The Tension of Marriage and Mission
A World of Hope for Marriage
In the beginning God created the world and all living things, and it was good. He created everything to depend on and worship him, and it was good. The only thing God said was not good was for man to be alone. So he remedied that by making a woman out of man, and it too was good! The world started with great peace, love, worship, and joy. There was a connection to God and a connection to one another. Mankind cared for the planet, and life on Earth was healthy and satisfying. Today, the world is not like that. So what happened?
In Genesis 3, humanity turns away from its utter dependence on God and toward a dependence on self. Humans chose to serve themselves by trying to be God rather than to worship, obey and walk with God. Immediate brokenness and separation ensued. The husband and wife blamed each other, lied, hid from God, and were filled with shame and loneliness. Today, we live in a broken and isolated world that is still living under the curse of this Genesis 3 moment. What has been the solution to this curse? We continue to look to human wisdom to save us from our own mess. We have seen this from the humans building the tower of Babel back in Genesis. We also see this today in our culture’s drive to exalt ourselves by improving self-esteem and self-worth. This is also seen through this generation’s tireless fight to build an online self-monument via Twitter, About Me, Facebook, and other social networks. In our brokenness, we continue to look to ourselves to provide healing; all the while our addiction-to-self continues to grow. This is foolishness.
How is this self-centeredness proving itself today? According to the Center for Disease Control, 1 in 10 U.S. adults are clinically diagnosed with depression. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that 43% of American children today are being raised without their Fathers—this percentage doesn’t reflect the level of involvement of these fathers as abusive, distant, or loving and highly engaged. In the U.S. there is one divorce every 13 seconds which equates to 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorces per week. In addition, every second, 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography. I could go on and on with these statistics. However, as disciple makers these are more than statistics because we know the people, we know the stories.
In the midst of all of this there is a Creator-God that embodies community. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are in perfect everlasting relationship with one another, existing in an eternal state of harmony, peace and love. Stop and think about that. They love each other perfectly. Serve each other perfectly. Submit to each other perfectly. Honor each other perfectly –forever. God is love. And love is found in this relationship.
God the Son, Jesus Christ, came to this Earth to bring a people into this perfect relationship. In John 17, he prays to his Father that we would be one as they are one. This is one of the most scandalous, offensive prayers in history. Jesus asks the Father to make us—isolated, selfish, corrupt sinners—one with him and the Father. Blasphemy! But Jesus does not just pray; He sacrifices himself as the only way for this to happen. He takes the death that we deserve. Dying a humiliating, torturous, and lonely death on a filthy-Roman cross. He took the pain and separation of the curse, so that we might be one as he and the Father are one.
This is the gospel. This is good news—that sinful humans get to be family with God. Is this madness? Yes. Is this true? Yes. Does this change everything? Yes. Yes it does. We get to be with God and reflect this communal love. We also get to tell this broken world around us this true story of hope! Our loving God not only invites us into his loving family but into his loving mission. Jesus’ prayer in John 17 is a scandalous prayer to unite us with him in both family and in mission! This is the role of the church.
The reality of the gospel is the backdrop and foundation that should shape our marriages, families, and the church. I am writing this article address the tension of missional living and the health of our marriages and families. I want to urge us to not to seek balance between family and mission, but to lead our families out of balance via loving God, loving our families, and loving others! The goal is not balance, or finding the line between leading our church and leading our families; the goal is that leaders, families, the church, and the lost would be one with God the Father and God the Son, just as they are one. This is our goal. The question is how do we achieve this goal? The short answer is through the cross and by the power of the Holy Spirit. But how does that work?
The Mystery of Marriage
In the beginning, God created man and woman to be image bearers of the Trinity. This is a mystery. Humanity images God. Genesis gives us insight on how we are to image God. It was not good to try and image God alone. Why? As we have already established, our God is not alone, but a God in relationship –God is community. So God creates man and woman to image God together. He creates marriage to be a way to begin, reveal, and reflect the mystery of the Trinity. Wow, no pressure! Let me state this again. Human relationships, and specifically marriage, are meant to reveal and reflect the glorious submission, harmony, and love of the Trinity. This is a mystery, however, most of us have had the privilege of seeing a beautiful marriage and were drawn to it. Unified, gospel-centered marriages should draw us to worship the Trinity! This is why I argue that our goal is not to balance marriage and mission, because displaying a healthy marriage, in and of it-self, is mission! A healthy marriage is a God-ordained, God-created, mysterious way to proclaim the mystery of the Trinity, and this proclamation is mission.
Understanding Genesis should be more than enough to overwhelm us with the importance of a God-exalting marriage, but God’s story does not end in Genesis. In Ephesians 5, we are told that a marriage between one man and one woman displays the mystery of Jesus Christ’s love for the church. The mystery of Jesus’ John 17 prayer is on display in marriage. The fact that God became a man and died on a cross for the sins of the world can be exemplified through a Christ-centered marriage. A marriage where a man loves, serves, and sacrifices for his wife, and the wife submits and respects her husband shows off some of the mystery of Jesus and his bride the church. Unbelievable! Once again we see that a Christ-centered marriage put on display is, in and of itself, mission. God uses marriage to preach the gospel to the world. Is it any wonder that Satan wants so badly to attack marriages? The battle for gay-marriage, increasing divorce rates, and sexual addictions all make sense as a plan of attack for our enemy. Let us not be ignorant of the devil’s schemes. He wants to attack and destroy marriages.
Finally, it is not just marriage but parenting and family life. Two of the three members of the trinity are revealed to us as Father and as Son. God is revealed to us as a family. We are adopted by God the Father into a family and the church is described with many metaphors in scripture but none are more prevalent than family. The world looks to the church to understand that God is a family and the church looks to the family to understand that church is a family. Family is important. Loving fathers reflect to the world that our God is a loving father. Parents loving their children in front of the lost are conducting an act of mission. A healthy, God-centered family is missional because the world only has negative views of a father, and so when they hear that God is a Father they are hearing bad news. Earthly fathers get to display that this is good news! This is a weighty call, but it is a privilege. How we love, protect, nurture, and lead our children has a mighty impact on our mission!
What Does This All Mean?
What this means is that mission is good for our family and our family is good for mission. As we obey the Spirit on mission it will strengthen our family, and as we strengthen our family it will strengthen mission. The two are not mutually exclusive, but mutually fuel each other.
What this means is that families are on the frontlines of mission where there is spiritual warfare whether we want to admit it or not. It is easy to react to this by isolating and protecting the family in an anti-mission bubble, but this is actually more harmful because it ignores the call and joy of radical mission. It can propel families to believe a lie from the enemy. The opposite end of the spectrum is to force our families into sacrifices they are not ready or willing to make. The key is listening to the Holy Spirit through God’s word and community and letting that lead you and your family into mission.
What this means is that the home is a hub for mission. Part of displaying the mysteries of the Trinity and the gospel, and the love of God the Father is allowing people to witness it in the daily life of our homes. I know the home will get messy and even ruined, but we must remember what it cost our God to allow broken and messy people into his home. The gospel motivates us. Again there is a tension here. The home is a hub for mission but it is also to be a sanctuary. Our God does give us rest and we must be attentive to not make sacrifices in order to please man but to make the sacrifices God is calling us to. Listening to our wives, children and community can help us know what and when to say “yes” or “no” to opening the home.
What this means is that our goal for our children is not to fuel their self-worth or self-esteem but to point them to the joy of knowing and following Christ. We make it our aim to please God. We make it our aim to partner with our bride and Christ’s bride—the church—to model for our children and the lost the joy of giving up everything to follow Jesus into a life of love and adventure.
Remember this is not a balancing act or a chore. We get to be united with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. We get to join in God’s great rescue plan for the world. We get to do this with our family and we get to do this with his family the local church. Let us rejoice and be glad in this!
Getting Practical
Practically speaking we can see that there is a great weight with marriage and family life. We can see that we have a real enemy who is trying to attack the church, families, and marriages. Below are 11 practical things that I have learned from other men who are fighting to live a life of mission with their family. I pray that these serve as helpful and practical guides:
- Model repentance: We are the chief sinners in our families and need to be leading in confessing and turning from sin. If we cease to confess sin we will lose their trust or become a false god. Our role is to lead in pointing to a true God and reveal our need of Jesus and his work on the cross.
- Model dependence: We must model a dependence on Jesus and show that we are needy for Jesus—we need his forgiveness, his love, and his grace daily. We model a dependence on God’s word and prayer and prove that our desire to be a family on mission is from the Lord and not just our crazy idea. Living this life of mission with the local church goes a long way in building trust.
- Preach the gospel: If we are not preaching, teaching, and pleading with our household to believe the gospel daily, than how can we do this outside of our household? Remember that our wife and kids need to hear the good news of the gospel on a daily basis.
- Encourage and Protect: Encourage family to use and pursue their unique spiritual gifts and callings. Encourage and make sacrifices to allow wife to get time with the women who challenge and encourage her. Make sure family serves primarily in the role they would be serving even if you were not in leadership. Protect them from lies from the devil and wolves; protect them from what the world says they should pursue and instead point them to what God’s word says.
- Pursue: Never stop pursuing your bride. Work to win her love daily and work to prove your love daily.
- Pray: Pray with and for your wife daily. Ask her where she needs prayer and pray for her specific needs. We cannot make the mistake of praying for everyone in the church and not our wives. Do the same with your kids!
- Family Day: Take a day off weekly to hang out with the family and not do counseling, sermon prep, vision planning, etc. but just party with the family. This gives us a much-needed Sabbath and reminds you and the family that Christ is head of the church and it will all go on without you for a day. Show you really believe this by turning your cell phone off and not checking e-mail on these days.
- Date night: Date your bride weekly. Let your leaders, church, and friends know you are doing this and that date night is a priority. Give permission to your community to make sure you are doing date nights. This comforts her to know that everyone knows that date night with her is a priority and that men will be holding you accountable to making it a priority. Turn off cell phone on date night.
- Foster her identity: Call your bride a bride. Never use negative nicknames like ball and chain, old’ lady, etc. She will live out of the identity you help foster for her. Ensure that it is an identity of her being the bride of Christ and your bride too!
- Listening: We must develop ears to hear from God and from our family. Listen to your bride, as she is your God-given helper to help you know what to say yes to and what to say no to. Listen to her hesitations and passions. Listen to your children too. Is your family getting burnt out? Are they excited for mission? Are they scared? Do they miss their daddy? Does your bride feel loved or forgotten? Do they love the church and are they thankful their Daddy or husband leads in the church? Listen to God’s people, to your leaders, and your local church family. God has given us them to build us up, serve us, and to point out our blind spots. We must be dedicated listeners if we are to lead our family on mission.
- Do mission together: Finally, fuel each other’s missional ideas. It is not just the family sacrificing to follow you on mission but sometimes you sacrifice to follow what the Spirit is putting on your bride’s heart or your kid’s heart. Rally behind their ideas and do so as a family. This will build tremendous unity and make every dangerous gospel idea an idea that involves the whole family and not just one member of the family. While you are at it, do this with your local church. Mutually encourage each other’s faith and rally around each other’s missional ideas and dreams!
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Jake Chambers (@JakeJayChambers) is a member of Jesus’ bride - the church. He is the husband to his beautiful bride Lindsey, and a daddy to his boy Ezra, Roseanna and baby Jaya is on the way. Jake is passionate about seeing the gospel both transform lives and create communities that love Jesus, the city, and the lost. He currently serves Red Door Church through leading, preaching, equipping, and pastoring.
Other articles by Jake: Your Language Matters and Do Friends and Ministry Mix?
Can Marriage and Mission Mix?
“I can’t wait to be done with college; then life will slow down.” Over the last decade of working with college students, that’s one my favorite recurring comments. Every time I hear it I chuckle under my breath, trying to resist outright laughing. You likely know as well as I do: life never seems to slow down! Most of us find ourselves stressed, stretched, and spinning out of control. We can’t even seem to find time for a hobby, or to keep ourselves in shape – or if we’re married, at times even the time to connect deeply with our spouse! Add kids to the mix, with their added busyness, and the craziness increases exponentially! That seems to be the reality of today’s culture.
But there’s a greater reality, which has applied to every culture in which Christians have lived: God sends us into that culture, despite our busyness, as a “minister of reconciliation” (2Cor 5:18), to “seek its welfare” (Jer 29:7) and to “make disciples” (Matt 28:20). That call and command rests on all of us, no matter how busy, but the question for this article looks specifically at married people: how can God use my marriage for his mission?
DIVERGING STREAMS?
Many married people reading this are well versed in two streams of Christian thought: the first stream is that we are God’s people sent into God’s world to carry out God’s mission. From Abraham on, God sends his people into the world – not to be enveloped by the world, but to live – as St. Augustine put it – as the “city of God,” living among the “city of Man” and seeking its good. The other stream is that marriage is the best reflection of the Trinity, and of God’s love for and pursuit of his Bride. Orthodox theology for the past 2000 years has affirmed Paul’s words in Ephesians 5, that the blessed relationship between a husband and wife is the clearest picture of “the mystery” of “Christ and his church.” We’ve heard both those streams; we know both principles; we even believe and strive to live out those truths.
The problem is that we often hear, know, believe, and live those streams separately from each other, while God designed them to be one strong, flowing, unified river. We try to live as missionaries and as couples as two distinct compartments of life. As Paul Tripp has said: “But they’re not naturally divided. That’s why you don’t have a huge discussion in the New Testament of the tension between ministry and family. It’s just not there. We have set that up, because we naturally look at these two things as separate dimensions.” Here’s the truth for every Christian couple: marriage is the clearest picture of the gospel in the world today, and your marriage is one of the best forms of evangelism in the world today. We can no longer keep our marriage and our mission in separate, parallel streams – they must unite.
How can God use our marriage for his mission? We can learn much from the Bible’s brief glimpses of one couple, Aquila and Priscilla, in Acts 18.
After this Paul left Athens and went to Corinth. And he found a Jew named Aquila, a native of Pontus, recently come from Italy with his wife Priscilla, because Claudius had commanded all the Jews to leave Rome. And he went to see them, and because he was of the same trade he stayed with them and worked, for they were tentmakers by trade. -Acts 18:1-3
GOD’S MISSION THROUGH YOUR IDENTITY
Aquila and Priscilla were not pastors and they didn’t have seminary degrees. They made tents for a living, working a culturally-normative profession. Yet they saw themselves as ministers of the gospel by opening their lives to Paul. We see at the end of 1 Corinthians that they hosted the local church in their home. Later in Acts 18 they go with Paul on mission for the gospel. In some circles today, Christians refer to “tent-making” as the honorable use of a “secular” job for ministry. For this couple, tent-making carried no great honor; it was simply their job, and a means of God’s provisions, as they lived their lives for the gospel! They were a married couple with a normal life, who used their marriage and life for God’s ministry. Whoever you are, and regardless of your job, city, or profession – or marital status! – you are a minister of the gospel!
The God who saved you “by grace through faith” now has “good works, prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Eph 2:8-10). “God… through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Cor 5:18). If you're married, you're probably busy. Whether you’re paid by a church or by Starbucks, FedEx, an ISD, or the government, and whether we’ve been married one week or 50 years, and whether you have 10 kids running around the home or are empty-nesters, and whether you deal with the normal messiness of life or struggle with deeper issues, you’re still (primarily) God’s people sent on God’s mission to God’s world. That’s your identity in Christ: you’re a minister of his gospel.
GOD’S MISSION THROUGH YOUR HOSPITALITY
As part of Aquila and Priscilla’s gospel ministry, they opened their home to the Apostle Paul. He didn’t just crash on their couch for a few nights but moved in with them. Their home was also the meeting place for the local church. If you look at the normative life of the early church in Acts 2, you know that folks didn’t just wander into their home at 10am on a Sunday, stay for an hour, then go to Chili’s. Instead, “day by day, [they attended] the temple together and [broke] bread in their homes” (Acts 2,). They were likely in Aquila and Priscilla’s home a lot.
There’s an old episode of Everybody Loves Raymond in which Ray’s parents purchase a new couch, and won’t remove the plastic wrap for fear of getting it dirty – that’s a great picture of how many of us view our homes. Today we often view our homes as a “refuge” or “retreat” from the difficult world “out there.” That thinking misses part of the point: our homes, like everything God gives us, are gifts to steward for the sake of God's mission! Aquila and Priscilla had a home, and used that home as a generous blessing to others.
Aquila and Priscilla lived as God’s ministers, and in doing so, they used their home as a ministry. In the familial mess of opening your home, doors open for deep conversations. In denying the comfort and convenience a home can provide, others are blessed and cared for.
GOD’S MISSION THROUGH YOUR DECISIONS
Put yourself in Aquila and Priscilla’s shoes: you’re new to town, and you're only there because you got kicked out of your last town. If the local church needs a place to meet, would you volunteer your home? Paul shows up and asks to live with you. While your first impression today might be excitement: “The most famous Christian in the world, the guy who wrote two-thirds of the New Testament, the greatest missionary of all time, wants to live with ME?!” We must see the other side too: Paul was also one of the most persecuted, “most wanted,” most despised persons of his day. “Inviting him in” was a massive danger to yourself!
When we think of “hospitality,” we often mistake it for what the Bible calls “fellowship.” At times it’s easy–or at least, easier–to open your home to other followers of Jesus. But true, biblical hospitality is opening your home to strangers, caring for the hurting and the “least.” Biblical hospitality means blessing folks who could never bless you back. Hospitality is initiating with others and loving people because God first initiated and loved us.
The rubber meets the road in marriage and ministry through the decisions you make each day. Those decisions display what you and your spouse value, love, pursue, and fear. Your decisions display what you and your spouse worship. And those you’re ministering to will watch your marriage and learn from it. How you use your home as a couple is one of those daily decisions.
The Fears We Have
What are our biggest fears with using our marriages for mission? That we’ll be unsafe? That we won’t be successful? That our child will experience a tragedy or they won’t have the best opportunity to succeed themselves? None of these fears are inherently evil, but if they become a greater fear than “the fear of the LORD,” which “is the beginning of knowledge” (Prov 1:7), they have become evil. If they become the primary motivation behind our marital and familial decisions, above obedience to God, then we are listening to our culture over our God. In the decisions we make, we must discern whether we’re placing our hope in God or something else. Are we trusting a certain neighborhood for safety more than God? Are we placing hope in a certain job to provide better than God?
Here’s the point: in Romans 16:3, Paul literally says, “Priscilla and Aquila risked their necks for my life.” Why would they do that? This couple valued God’s mission and ministry over any cultural norm, distraction, or idol. There would be no other reason to risk their lives except that their values and goals were different than those of the world around them. Throughout Jesus’ own ministry, he called people to fight against their inward-focused, selfish, consumerist lives. He called them to battle the natural currents of culture and to fight Satan’s subtle temptations to convince you – among other things – that following God is too risky.
GOD’S MISSION THROUGH YOUR STEWARDSHIP
Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 15:9: “if in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.” If Jesus hadn’t risen, and there’s no hope for the future, then we should be more pitied than anyone in the world! The reason our lives should invite pity from people who don’t know Jesus is that our lives should look so strange, illogical, and even crazy. People should think we’ve lost our minds! Is that true of the decisions you and your spouse make? What values and priorities do your neighbors see in your marriage? What goals and pursuits does the world around you see in your life?
If God is using our marriages for his mission, it looks completely illogical. For example you might be able to afford the best private school in town, yet send your kids to the less-esteemed, local public one because your family places obedience in mission above an educational reputation. It makes no sense to deny a higher paying job, for one with better hours – but you pursue mission by dwelling with your family and mission field longer. Might we give up a club, hobby, organization, Xbox, or even one of our many Bible Studies, to free up time, money, and energy for those God sent us to? Might we even “cold-call” our neighbors and invite them over for dinner? Would we let them see our imperfections, and bless them without expecting a return? This is the call to display the weird life of gospel implications in marriage.
The key to each of these– living as a minister, opening your home and marriage, and living a counter-cultural lifestyle – is seeing yourself as a steward of your life, possessions, and even family, rather than an owner. Here’s what Aquila and Priscilla understood: everything we have is a gift from God. Everything we have is his; everything is given to us to use and cultivate and use on his behalf. We are the servants in Matthew 25, and one day our Master will look at all he entrusted us with. Will our master be pleased or disappointed in our stewardship?
GOD’S MISSION THROUGH YOUR PROCLAMATION
Our marriages, like everything else God gives us, are gifts from God to steward well for his purposes. Do we take his gift and make it about ourselves? Do we trade his purpose and mission for our selfishness and safety? Do we take marriage – the best display of the gospel to the world – and hide it away rather than using it to proclaim the glory, grace, and goodness of God? Aquila and Priscilla were so sold out on God’s mission that they later moved to Ephesus with Paul. They stayed there when Paul continued on, and as a “husband-wife team,” directed their ministry into a young convert named Apollos.
After this, Paul stayed many days longer and then took leave of the brothers and set sail for Syria, and with him Priscilla and Aquila… And they came to Ephesus, and he left them there, but he himself went into the synagogue and reasoned with the Jews. When they asked him to stay for a longer period, he declined. But on taking leave of them he said, “I will return to you if God wills,” and he set sail from Ephesus… Now a Jew named Apollos, a native of Alexandria, came to Ephesus. He was an eloquent man, competent in the Scriptures. He had been instructed in the way of the Lord. And being fervent in spirit, he spoke and taught accurately the things concerning Jesus, though he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue, but when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately. -Acts 18:18-26
The scriptures that speak to this point in history show that that, as a couple, Aquila and Priscilla “discipled” this young man for a season just as they had opened their lives to Paul and the church at Corinth. And like Paul, God used Apollos to produce great fruit and bring himself great glory through the known world.
A CONVERGENCE FOR SAKE OF THE GOSPEL
By their actions, decisions, lifestyle, and their words, Aquila and Priscilla were a couple who proclaimed the gospel. What your city be like if it was filled with couples devoting their lives and marriages to helping others understand the good news of Jesus? What would your church be like if it was filled with families who opened their homes to literal life-on-life discipleship? What would it look like to see our marriages as gifts from God, for the sake of his mission, rather than our own selfish desires?
It is difficult! It battles everything in us that wants comfort, convenience, privacy, and silence. If we deny ourselves for his mission, we should be pitied if Jesus didn’t raise from the dead. But he did! In doing so, he transforms both our marriages and our mission; he gives us the only reason for living this way; he becomes the only reason for “intentionally illogical” decisions. In Jesus’ death, resurrection, and call on our lives, his mission and our marriages converge into a story that’s bigger than our own – the writing of which took a greater sacrifice than we’ll ever be asked to give.
In our marriages, we have the opportunity to put that story on display every day. Will we continue to live as married people, who separately, occasionally in our busyness, pursue ministry? Or will the gospel transform our time, priorities, and relationship, and unite those diverging streams into one, as we live out our new identity and God’s mission through our marriages?
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Special thanks to Ross Appleton for the foundational concept this article is built on.
Ben Connelly lives in Fort Worth with his wife and daughters. He started The City Church in 2010 and lives on mission by teaching public speaking at TCU. Ben sits on the board of a few city-focused organizations, trains occasionally across the country, and writes in spurts at benconnelly.net. Twitter: @connellyben
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Read more about the implications of the resurrection in the free e-book Raised? by Jonathan Dodson and Brad Watson.
How Kids Learn to Follow Jesus
One of the questions we get many times at the GCM Collective is, “What about kids? How do you have time to disciple your children during all this mission stuff, and what does it look like?” I have three kids, a 10 year old, a 7 year old, and an 16 month old. I own a business, elder in the church, preach, and participate as an executive team member of the GCM Collective. Not to mention I coach leaders around the world and travel for speaking and training events. How do I have time? I learned early on, from my brothers at Soma Communities, that I only have one life, and mission has to be part of my everyday life, not some other life that I need to live. I don’t have time to get into all of that teaching, but it transformed how I see mission and discipleship. (To see an illustration of this look here: We Have Been Given One Life). Needless to say, I've decided to serve and leverage my life as much as I can. I'm busy and you are probably busy, too. How can we disciple kids in the midst of such hectic community and mission filled lives?
Holistic Discipleship
What is the goal of children's discipleship? Are we just trying to teach them stuff? See, the goal is not that our children will merely know the right answers on their Bible College theological entry exam, also know as Sunday School. We certainly want them to know God and understand the gospel in their minds. But, discipleship cannot stop at intellectual assent of biblical truths in their heads alone but must penetrate their hearts, too. In the same way, the goal is not for children discipleship cannot stop at their hearts, but must be evidenced in their lives. Certainly our children's discipleship is not only about getting them to behave and use proper manners. The Bible speaks to parenting and disciple making more holistically than this:
You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. - Deuteronomy 11:18-20
This passage tells us two fundamental principles in parenting. One, discipleship is for the head, heart, and hand. We are to teach our children to know the gospel, believe the gospel, and obey the gospel. Two, the discipleship process is happening all the time, in everyday life. Every moment of the day is a chance to speak, teach, and demonstrate the gospel. My aim with this article is to offer some easy handles and ideas for parents to obediently live Deuteronomy 11 with their kids.
Head
We want our kids to know theology. We want them to know who God is, what God has done, who we are and how we should live. The issue is our kids get bored with the many ways we have tried to do teach this in the past. Memorize this verse, sit here for Sunday school, or listen to mommy and daddy read from the Bible. None of those things are bad, but what if we could do all those things in ways that they’d actually love and look forward to and ask to do?
- What TV show does your kid love to watch? Watch it with them and tell them that at the end we are going to discuss questions in which we see ways the characters are living out their identity, how are their lives looking like Jesus, how are their lives showing who/what they are trusting, etc. For my kids, it’s Phineas and Ferb. We sit down and watch it, then discuss. The night before I wrote this article, we spoke about servanthood, identity, idols, fears, anxiety, the Imago Dei, etc. After we discussed, we prayed as a family for very specific things that we discussed. Guess what the kids are always asking to do? “Daddy, can we do Phineas and Ferb and theology?” They desire to learn because it is something they enjoy.
- Teach them from material they will enjoy and let them teach and dialogue through it. I personally use two resources: The Jesus Story Book Bible and the Story of God for Kids. When we go through these resources, I am always asking questions to get their insight. These resources are great because there are pictures and questions and really gets the kids involved, instead of just sitting there and listening. I also allow my 10 year old to lead through this so he can learn what it looks like to lead and create discussion. In this I am able to disciple him in what it looks like to lead by allowing him to do it himself.
Heart
Not only do we want our children to learn theology and mission through teaching, but we want them to believe it and know it in their hearts. We want it to go from information, to transformation. Know this: you have to be faithful in this and there will be many times we try this with our kids and it will sail over their head. We will articulate the gospel in eloquent ways and they will have no reaction. We have to be faithful. Find out how to affect their heart by seeking the Spirit and continue to do it, even if you don’t get the reaction you were hoping for.
- Discipline like you believe the gospel. I learned this from John Piper some years ago. He simply asked, “Does your discipline mirror grace and the gospel or legalism?” My kids never know when they are going to be punished for a sin. I try to sit them down after they have sinned and walk through grace and mercy and the effects of sin. We get to the heart of the issue of their sin, instead of saying, “stop it!” There are times when they are not punished for their sin, and we speak a lot about grace. There are also times when their sin causes natural consequences. For example, they might leave a favorite toy outside when they were supposed to bring it inside and it gets ruined. When this happens, we merely point out the consequence and pray together for forgiveness and reconciliation. When you spend time demonstrating in discipline what grace, the gospel and reconciliation looks like, it hits the heart.
- Demonstrate. I got this idea from my buddy Caesar. One of the discipleship issues we had with our older child had to do with his behavior while he was playing outside. We decided that if he was having issues playing outside, he would have to come inside or face punishment. The punishment was to sit on the wall for 20 minutes. Lots of fun. Instead, when the time came for him to receive his punishment, I told him I’d take it for him. We talked about Jesus and the good news and how he has done this for us. This sounded great, but he listened, and then ran back outside like nothing happened. I still do this, because I think at some point, it will sink in. But you have to know: they are kids and they won’t always react in the ways you were hoping.
- When you see your child do something that reminds you of Jesus, tell them and praise them for it. Not to the point where they get all the credit, but as a pointer. When they see how their actions depict God’s character, it really freaks them out. My 7 year old last night asked, “God works through me to show who he is?” It really hit him. Our kids need to hear about God, not only when they are doing things that are disappointing, but also when they are showing the fruit of the Spirit. Recently, my 10 year old came up and told me that his little brother made him lunch for school. He was stoked! I told him, “Caleb, where do you think he learned that?” He replied, “God?” I said, “He learned it from you as you have been serving him. And you learned it from God as Jesus served and serves you. You have been showing your brother Jesus. Isn’t it amazing that he does those things he sees in you as you show him Jesus?”
- Continue to remind them they are loved by God and you, no matter what. We do this in both their sin and their praise. We want them to continually know that God loves regardless of their actions. Their identity and acceptance is not wrapped up in what they do but in who God is and what he does. I do this when they do something that requires discipline and I do this when they show off who God is.
Hands
Not only do our kids need to know about God in their head, and know what he’s done in their heart, but they also need to work this out as disciples and missionaries. We have to know that our children are not missionaries only when they get older. They are missionaries now.
- Involve your kids in the mission. Rarely do we do things that don’t involve our kids. When we do events, most of the time it is with families. The reason is I want my kids to see that it is totally normal to be around those that don’t believe like us and what it looks like to hang out with them. I don’t want them to ever think that our job is to do things so we’ll get something in return. We merely show others what God is like, we plant, we water, but God causes the growth. The best way to do this is to model it for them in life on life. So, at neighborhood BBQs or neighborhood breakfasts, they have jobs before and after. We talk about why we are doing these, what their thoughts are, and their struggles with it. They get to walk this out and deal with the consequences of following Jesus: when their toys get broken, when they have to clean up after others, etc. When all this happens, we get to talk about what it means to serve and show off Jesus without expecting anything in return.
- Make your house the “hang-out-house.” Our kids know that they can always have friends over and invite them in for dinner, etc. Because of this, they are actively sharing their lives with those around us. They see what it means to have an open home, to be hospitable, to believe that our possessions are God’s and not ours. They also know that to open our home means there will sometimes be kids they don’t want to play with, but we open our home anyway. We love our enemies, we don’t hate them or shun them. The more you allow your kids to have people over and just hang out and play, the more they will be able to understand mission in the everyday.
- Invite their friends and parents out to your activities. Recently, I took my boys to a movie and dinner, so I asked them who they wanted to bring. I then invited their friends and their family to go out with us. Again, this is simple. Their friends and families came and hung out. We were already going to do it, why not do it with others? This doesn’t mean we eat dinner and ask the other Dad, “You see the bread on your kid’s plate? That reminds of when Jesus said he was the bread of life.” Be a good human and hang out with others, be friends, show your kids what it looks like to be hospitable in all areas of life.
- Ask your children what charity they’d like to help on their birthday. We have done this with both our older kids. We tell them, “Mom and Dad will buy you a gift, and so will your grandparents, but what if we had your friends bring something for a charity?” We have had food drives, blanket drives, and more for one of our missional communities that helps the homeless in our town. Our kids actually love doing this! They get to help others and participate in serving.
Normal Life with Intentionality
I know these things aren’t earth shattering ideas. They are simple everyday life type of activities. That’s the point. We don’t need some program to raise our children for us, we can do this in normal, everyday life. That way our kids will understand what following Jesus looks like and will desire to do it, too. Some days are better than others, some things work better than others. You know your family. A simple way to start is just to look at your schedule with your family and start asking, “How can we be more intentional with these things we are already doing so our children can better understand who God is, what he has done, who he has made us?” What can we do to holistically disciple our children, their head, heart, and hands?
Just think if your parents taught you about God while watching cartoons? Pretty cool parents, pretty fun way to learn theology.
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Seth McBee is the adopted son of God, husband of one wife, and father of three. He’s a graduate of Seattle Pacific University with a finance degree. By trade Seth is an Investment Portfolio Manager, serving as president of McBee Advisors, Inc as well as a missional community leader, preaching elder with Soma Communities in Renton, Washington, and executive team member of the GCM Collective. Twitter @sdmcbee.
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Get the excellent resource: A Beginner's Guide to Family Worship by Winfield Bevins
Read these free resources: How Parental Authority is Good News by Tim Chester and Raising Gospel Centered Children by Luma Simms.
Parenting According to the Minor Prophets
But here I am sharing a few thoughts on parenting gleaned from a minor prophet. Weird. Though I am not an Old Testament scholar who spends combing the original language for various insights that others fail to notice, I am a dad who reads the scriptures hoping for any glimpse of Jesus. As I read Micah I am not only finding Jesus, but also our Father who is the example for parents. What if I fathered like our heavenly Father?
Acting Contradictory to the Character of God
One quick way to get me angry as a dad is when our children willingly and boldly talk or act in a manner that is contradictory to how we—my wife and I—have instructed them and attempted to model before them. When we have placed a particular focus in an area over a long period of time—including a conscious modeling before our children—and then our children act in defiant opposition of what our family stands for...it is frustrating to say the least.
At the core of that frustration is the strong, DNA-level desire for our children to act in a manner that is congruent with and reflective of the DNA of our family. Now, I’m well aware that often our children’s misbehavior is merely an image-bearing reflection of me and my sin. But still, it’s frustrating. It’s maddening. It’s aggravating. I mean, we’re talking about core values, attitudes, or actions that we’ve worked on over and over. When those not only get ignored, but rebuffed, that’s a sure-fire way to incite anger.
Now, I believe that anger can be a righteous reflection of the kind of anger God had over Israel throughout their history. He makes in known through prophets like Micah. In Micah 2:2, we see a description of how God’s family is behaving.
They covet fields and seize them, and houses, and take them away;
they oppress a man and his house, a man and his inheritance. - Micah 2:2
At first blush, I was tempted to roll right past this description and assume, as is often the case in the minor prophets, that God was talking about some foreign nation under some foreign god. Then, the Spirit reminded me that this description is a description of God’s covenant family, Israel. That gave me reason to pause. His family, his treasured possession, was acting lik this.
God is a gracious, perfect provider for his people’s needs. And yet, here is his own family wasn't satisfied and coveted more. Here they are, not only wanting more toys, but forcefully ripping them from the hands of their brothers and sisters. Do you see the thought process? “I want it. They have it. I will use whatever power I have and take it. I will use my bigness, and sit on you, and rip that toy right out of your hand.”
In contrast, God gives graciously to his people. They have received more than enough. In fact, God has intentionally blessed them for the express purpose of being a blessing. Instead, they demand “It’s not enough." God is a ‘gladdener of hearts’ not an oppressor. I feel like I need to say that again, because the reality is, I often don’t believe it: God is a gladdener of hearts. He seeks to make our hearts and lives happy. When God shows up, life gets ‘gladder’, not sadder.
When God looks at his family, Israel, and sees coveting and oppressing, this rightly angers him because his family is acting in direct contradiction to his character; rather than reflecting it.
Providing Gracious, Consistent Discipline
Therefore thus says the LORD: behold, against this family I am devising disaster, from which you cannot remove your necks, and you shall not walk haughtily, for it will be a time of disaster. - Micah 2:3
With God as an alert and active Father/parent, the result is, you cannot avoid him as a disciplinarian. There’s no hiding. His people cannot sweep this under the rug. There’s no loophole. There’s no secret tunnels or passageways to get around him. I picture many a ‘hallway’ football games with my big brother. Growing up, we’d often play football in the narrow hallway of our home. And there he would stand, looming a few feet away. And there was no getting around him. He was unavoidable. Now, I’m not so sure my brother’s unavoidable-ness was born out of love for me. I’m guessing it had another root. But God’s unavoidable-ness is born out of love.
You see, God hates covetousness and bullying. He will not stand for it. He will not allow his family to treat each other that way. Why?
- Because of his own nature and character. He created this covenant community to be a new kind of people/family, one that would show the world what it looks like to live in God’s ways. Coveting does not accomplish this purpose.
- He cares about each member of his family and he will not put up with coveting (I want what you have, that I’m convinced I deserve) or oppression/bullying (I’ll use my power or bigness to take advantage of your powerlessness or smallness). We often find ourselves saying this to our older kids in regards to their younger siblings, “How did Jesus use his power and bigness towards us? Did he use it to hurt us and harm us, or did he use it to serve us and love us?”
- He cares about those outside of his family who are looking in and making judgment calls about who God is based the behavior of his family.
Now, those are three great reasons we should regularly share with our kids. “Why do mom and dad care about your behavior and the heart behind it? The same reason God cares about his family’s behavior and the heart behind it."
The Challenge
First, am I actively, lovingly, graciously, consistently unavoidable in my discipline when my children act in a manner contradictory to our Father? Have I communicated why this is important and worth discipline—not simply because it’s important to dad, but because it’s important to God!
Too often, I’m inconsistent, too tired, or too lazy to step in to correct and to explain. In addition, I also think somehow that grace competes with consistency, as if I must choose between the two. But our Father doesn’t. He is graciously consistent because the most unloving, ungracious thing he could do would be to passively ignore our destructive behavior.
Second, am I aware and moved by the incongruence of my kids behavior and the character of the Father? Do I care enough about his reputation, his DNA, his life-giving character to step in?
Or do I even know enough? Better yet, have I experienced enough of his gracious, beautiful character to be moved to intercede when my children fail to act in line with who he is?
The Good News
The answer to the above is a resounding NO. No, I don’t step in consistently and graciously. And no, I don’t have a heart-level compulsion based on my own experience of his Fatherhood that moves me to act. So now what, Micah?
I will surely assemble all of you, O Jacob; I will gather the remnant of Israel;
I will set them together like sheep in a fold,
like a flock in its pasture, a noisy multitude of men.
He who opens the breach goes up before them; they break through and pass the gate, going out by it.
Their king passes on before them, the LORD at their head. - Micah 2:12-13
Well, now our Father calls an assembly, which he himself assembles. Who’s invited? Myself, along with all of the other parents who have failed. So, what can we expect at this assembly? A guilt-soaked lecture? A lashing? No. A gathering like sheep, into the fold of a gracious shepherd. A flock of noisy, but satisfied sheep in a green pasture. King Jesus leads the way, the Good Shepherd who willingly lays his life down for his sheep. Jesus provides a way of salvation. The Father cares so much about his own reputation, about how his family treats one another, and about how outsiders view him, that he breaches the gate by sending his Son for our failure. Now, that’s a great dad. That’s a Great Savior, and King, and older brother. He has gone on before us and made a way.
It’s only when I believe and taste and experience what truly makes God a perfect Father, that I’ll be motivated to step in when my kids fail to act in accordance with his character.
May the love of the Father compel us, the sacrifice of the Son free us, and the power of the Spirit move us to graciously, consistently, and lovingly parent our children to reflect him.
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Robby Fowler is a Pastor & Elder on a great team at Fellowship Jonesboro in northeast Arkansas—part of the Soma North America family and a member of the Acts 29 network. He is a husband to Kelly for 18 years, and father of three: Colby Grace, Cade Robert and Carson James. He is not a particularly great parent, but his hope rests in Jesus for his kids.
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Read A Beginners Guide to Family Worship by Winfield Bevins
Other related articles: How Parental Authority is Good News by Tim Chester and Gospel Centered Parenting by Will Walker.
How Parental Authority is Good News
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Karen slumped onto the sofa.
“It’s just the terrible twos,” her friend had told her this morning. But there was no “just” about it. This was war! She loved Jack so much, but he was driving her mad. Refusing to eat. Throwing food on the floor. Pulling books off the shelves. Hitting his baby sister. Screaming on the supermarket floor. She’s tried reasoning with him. She’s tried negotiation. She’s tried bribery. Truth was she wasn’t even sure what she was trying to achieve. It just felt like crisis management.
Then the baby monitor crackled into life. Here we go again. “Is there more to parenting than survival?” she asked herself.
What is expected from children and parents?
Why should children obey their parents?
What does it mean for parents to “exasperate” their children? Can you think of examples?
Why does the writer point out that this commandment is the first with a promise?
What does this passage suggest is the purpose of families?
- Gospel Centered Family by Ed Moll and Tim Chester
Show that God’s Rule is Good
Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. ‘The time has come,’ he said. ‘The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!’ - Mark 1 v 14-15
Jesus began his ministry by proclaiming the good news – or “gospel” – that the kingdom of God was near. God’s kingdom was coming because God’s King was coming. Good news. Gospel.
Except that the rule of God doesn’t sound much like good news in our culture. No kind of rule sounds like good news. We want to be free. We don’t want someone else ruling over us. How can the rule of God be good news? Surely God’s rule is bad news.
This was the lie of Satan way back in the Garden of Eden when the “serpent” portrayed God as a tyrant holding Adam and Eve back. But God isn’t a tyrant. His rule is a rule of blessing, freedom, love, life, justice and peace. Good news. Gospel.
But isn’t this an article on parenting? What does this have to do with parenting? Everything!
Look at Ephesians 6:1-4. What does obeying parents have to do with living long in the land? Verses 2-3 are a quote from Deuteronomy 5:16, where Moses is recounting the Ten Commandments. He ends by saying: “So be careful to do what the LORD your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left. Walk in all the way that the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess.” (Deuteronomy 5:32-33) God’s people would live a life of blessing in God’s land if they obeyed God. Anything else would lead to chaos, conflict and destruction. Ultimately, if they rejected God, they would not live long in the land – they’s be exiled (as it turned out they were). Welcoming God’s rule = blessing. Rejecting God’s rule = judgment.
That’s true in families. When people in families live for themselves, the result is chaos, conflict and destruction. In families we learn to live alongside others, negotiate differences and express our views while tolerating other opinions. The Puritan Thomas Manton said: “The family is the seminary of church and state ... A failure in the first area will not be mended in the second.”
But it’s not just about having a happy family or a happy community.
The family is the place where you learn to submit to authority instead of living for yourself. In this section of Ephesians, Paul says our different roles in life are all to reflect God’s role in our lives. Marriage is an illustration of Christ’s relationship with his people (5:22-33), while working relationships are to be shaped by the fact that we are slaves of a Master in heaven (6:5-9). It’s the same with families. Parents are God’s gift to children to teach us how to live under authority. We learn to submit to authority instead of living for ourselves by learning to submit to our parents.
That’s why this is the first commandment with a promise. Learning to enjoy your parents’ authority is the first step towards welcoming God’s authority.
Don’t tell children off for being children. Children break things and drop things. They get giddy and raise their voices. But ensure they obey you. Teach them to submit to your authority. Discipline disobedience. Don’t let your child rule the home. If you do, you’ll be teaching them that they are king in their lives. They’re not. It won’t prepare them for wider social interaction. And it won’t prepare them to meet the true King.
Let your child realize they’re not the center of the world. It’s very easy, especially in early years, for children to be all-consuming. So invest in your relationship as a husband and wife. Not only does healthy parenting require a healthy marriage, it will also reinforce for your child that they’re not the center of the world, not even of your world!
Parents are to model God’s good, liberating, just rule in the way they bring up their children. We’re to show that it is good to live under authority. We’re to show that authority can be good.
Show that God’s rule is gracious
But hang on a moment. Is God’s kingdom really good news? Not if you’re a rebel! “Where is the God of justice?” people asked the prophet Malachi. He’s on his way, said Malachi. “But who can endure the day of his coming?” (Malachi 2:17 – 3:2) For God’s people his rule is good news, but for his enemies his rule means judgment and defeat. And we are all God’s enemies. We’ve all opted to live our life our way without God.
The good news is that the coming of Jesus as God’s King defied most people’s expectations. It wasn’t all about glory and conquest. That’s coming when Jesus returns at the end of history. But when Jesus came first time around, judgment didn’t fall. Or rather, it fell on the King himself! The King died on the cross in the place of His enemies. God’s rule is not only good, it’s also gracious. God makes it possible for his enemies to become his friends.
Jesus told the story of a family in which the younger son rejected the authority of his father (Luke 15). He went off and squandered his part of the family’s inheritance. But rejecting his father’s authority didn’t make him free or happy. He ended up wishing he could eat the food he was serving to pigs. So he decided to return to his father and ask if he could become a servant. But his father ran in a most undignified way to greet his returning son. He honored his son with a robe and ring. He threw an extravagant party to welcome him home. God is a gracious Father who welcomes wayward children.
Often parenting can feel like a battle. And the “enemy” is your two-year-old who’s just thrown their dinner on the floor (again); or your fifteen-year-old, who’s just slammed the door on you (again). But still your job is to show them what our Father in heaven is like. Yes, they need to learn to live under authority. But they also need to learn of a God who welcomes his enemies, loves his enemies and gives his life for His enemies.
Your number one aim as a parent is to show how great it is to live under God’s reign of love.
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Tim Chester (PhD, University of Wales) is pastor of the Crowded House in Sheffield, United Kingdom, and director of the Porterbrook Institute, which provides integrated theological and missional training for church leaders. Chester also coauthored Total Church (Re:Lit), Everyday Church (Re:Lit), and has written more than a dozen books.
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Read A Beginner's Guide to Family Worship by Winfield Bevins
Read more free articles: Gospel Saturated Family Discipleship and Raising Gospel Centered Children
What to Do with Halloween?
For all the saints who from their labors rest,Who Thee by faith before the world confess, Thy name, O Jesus, be forever blest. Alleluia!
I am the proud dad of three little girls and recently they have been invited to several Halloween parties, not to mention their schools’ annual Halloween bash. So what are we as Christians to do with Halloween? I am not alone, many Christians are baffled.
Halloween's Roots
A good place to start is to take a look at the history of the holiday we commonly call Halloween. The modern celebration called Halloween is a yearly holiday observed by people around the world on October 31st. The origins of the holiday has a complex history that is rooted in paganism and Christianity. Its pre-Christian origins incorporated traditions from the pagan harvest festivals and festivals honoring the dead in Scotland and Ireland.
Halloween is also thought to have been heavily influenced by the Christian holy days called All Saints’ Day and All Souls Day. These holy days were a time for the church to honor the saints and pray for departed loved ones who had not yet reached Heaven. The earliest record of this holiday is in 837 when Pope Gregory IV ordered its church-wide observance. By the 12th century, it had become widely observed by Christians throughout Europe.
Over time, strange ideas and practices began to be connected with the holiday, such as ringing bells for souls in purgatory and wearing masks and costumes to disguise oneself. These practices eventually evolved into the modern-day Halloween activities that include trick-or-treating, wearing costumes, and attending costume parties.
Christian Responses
Not all Christians embraced this holiday. During the time of the Reformation, Halloween came under attack by Protestants who denounced purgatory as a “popish” doctrine. Puritans in New England were strongly opposed to the holiday and banned its practice in the new colonies. However, Halloween gradually made its way to North America through the mass Irish and Scottish immigration of the 19th century. It quickly took hold. By the 20th century it was celebrated across the United States by people from all backgrounds.
It is important to say that Christians' attitudes towards Halloween are very diverse and that we can and do disagree over what to do with Halloween. In some traditions such as the Anglican Church, Christians celebrate the All Hallow's Eve through special worship services that include prayer and fasting.
Many Protestant churches celebrate the holiday as Reformation Day, to remember the Protestant Reformation. Others celebrate with Harvest Festivals or Reformation Festivals, in which children dress up as Bible characters. Still other churches embrace the holiday by providing events such as Trunk-or-Treat where families can come and get candy in a safe, Christian atmosphere. Many Evangelical Christians reject the holiday because they feel it celebrates or embraces the occult and paganism.
What to Do with Halloween?
I may have explained a little bit about the history of Halloween, but you’re probably still wondering, "What should I do with Halloween?" Here are a few things to take into consideration as you discern how you, your family, and your church should handle Halloween.
- Don’t be a Freak So many Christians are just downright freaks when it comes to Halloween. What I mean is they retreat from the world, lock their doors, turn off their lights, and get under the covers on Halloween night. Worse yet, they judge other people by whether or not they celebrate Halloween. I think some Christians can and do turn nonbelievers off by their attitudes about Halloween.
- Be Missional I think Halloween is one of the best opportunities to be missional in the year? My family and I get together with some other families for a meal. Then we go through a small kid-friendly neighborhood together to collect candy. It is very innocent. Every year I have a chance to talk about Christ as we walk through the neighborhood. Don’t miss the moments and opportunities the Lord may be giving you to share and live out your faith.
- Set Boundaries I am not advocating a wholesale celebration of Halloween. Much of it is dark and can introduce your children to the occult. I encourage you to use discernment, prayer, and set boundaries as needed. There are times when we can and should say no if it is going to compromise our faith in Christ. I can’t tell you what to do in every situation; how that plays out depends entirely on you and your context.
- Talk to Your Children Tell your children about the history behind Halloween, and warn them about the dark side that can and does so often get associated with the holiday. Children are smart, and Halloween can be a teaching time to share with them and others the gospel of Christ.
- Don’t Judge Others Lastly, don’t judge others when it comes to celebrating Halloween. Good Christians can and do disagree on this issue. Some Christians feel very strongly about not celebrating Halloween while others have no problem with it at all. I believe that it is an open-handed issue, that each Christian must seek the Lord and obey his or her conscience. You have to decide what is right for you and your family when it comes to celebrating Halloween.
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Winfield Bevins serves as lead pastor of Church of the Outer Banks , which he founded in 2005. He has a doctorate from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, North Carolina. He lives in the beautiful beach community of the Outer Banks with his wife Kay and two daughters.
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For more free articles about missional living, see Mission: Suburbs by Casey Cease, and Satan in the Suburbs by Seth McBee.
Psalm 127 & 3 ways to live
Last week I got our bicycle pump out of the shed to fill the tires on our baby stroller, and our four-year-old Samuel wanted to help. He commandeered the bicycle pump, and when I tried to teach him how to use it, he said, ‘No Daddy, I don’t need your help!’ It struck me as insanely irrational of my son to refuse the help of someone who is nine times his age and knows much better than he how to do the job. And then I realized I have often acted just this way toward God.
God does nothing & we do everything
Professing belief in God, I have often lived as a practical atheist. Functionally, I have adopted the motto of the convinced atheist: ‘God does nothing and we do everything.’ In fact, not long ago, I suddenly realized I had not prayed once about the thorny problem I had spent hours fretting and stewing over. Ouch. Faced with a challenge, I had instinctively turned to myself rather than to God.
Solomon seeks to undercut this way of living in Psalm 127:1. ‘Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.’ The key word there is ‘vain.’ (It’s used three times in verses 1-2.) Life without God is fruitless. You might be able to build the house or guard the city - there are, after all, excellent atheist architects - but if you have a big house and a safe city and no God, it’s ultimately in vain.
God does everything & we do nothing
Practical atheism is a big mistake. But so is an opposite error into which we sometimes fall. The motto for this way of living is: ‘God does everything and we do nothing.’ There came a point last week (as Samuel struggled manfully but ineffectually with the bicycle pump) when I finally stepped in and began helping. After a few moments Samuel skipped off to do something more interesting. He figured I was doing everything, so he could do nothing.
We live this way, too, don’t we? Sometimes we wrap our laziness in spiritual garb. We say, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ instead of offering practical help that will cost us something. We might even be tempted to see justification for passivity and inactivity in Psalms 127. After all, Solomon says, ‘It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil…’ (verse 2).
But of course, Solomon isn’t minimizing the importance of healthy work (as we see clearly in Psalm 128:2). Instead, he’s speaking of the fruitlessness of painful, anxious, godless labor. Psalm 127 is no advocate for passivity or laziness. As John Calvin says, ‘It is not the will of the Lord that we should be like blocks of wood, or that we should keep our arms folded without doing anything; but that we should apply to use all the talents and advantages which [God] has conferred upon us.’
God does everything & we do something
Here’s a more biblical way to express the role God plays and the role we play: God does everything and we do something. The key to seeing this is noticing the two remarkable verbal parallels in Psalm 127.1: God ‘builds’ the house and laborers ‘build’ the house. The LORD ‘guards’ the city and those ‘guarding’ watch over the city. Does God build or do we build? Yes! Does God guard or do we guard? Yes!
After my son Samuel ran off to do something more interesting, I allowed our two-year old daughter Annie to take a turn with the bicycle pump. She placed her little hand on the pump handle, and I placed my big hand over her little hand, and we pumped together. She was pumping and I was pumping at the same time.
But although we were both pumping, it was clear our contributions were not equal. If Annie had stopped pumping, I would have continued pumping. If I had stopped pumping, Annie couldn’t have continued on her own. Here’s a crucial truth to realize: we do not contribute equally with God. Our relationship with God is assymetrical. It is true to say that, ‘Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.’ But it is never true to say, ‘Unless those who labor build the house, the Lord builds in vain.’ That is heresy. God graciously uses us to accomplish his purposes in the world, but he never needs us. William Carey, the 19th century Baptist missionary to India and father of the modern missionary movement, got it just right when he said, ‘Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God.’ The order of those two sentences is crucial. The asymmetry of God’s contribution and ours is the reason we give God all the glory when things we’ve worked hard to accomplish go well. As Solomon says elsewhere, ‘The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but victory belongs to the LORD’ (Proverbs 21:31).
God does everything, and we do something. Solomon concludes Psalm 127 by illustrating this truth in vv 3-5. Where do children come from? Well, of course the readers of Psalm 127 know that mommy and daddy play a part in the procreation of the children. (There’s been only one virgin birth in history.) But there’s a deeper answer to the question. Children are given to parents by God (verse 3). Parents who have tried unsuccessfully month after month to conceive children know they cannot simply decide to have children. God must open the womb, as he is often said to do in the Scriptures. Where do children come from? God does everything and we do something.
As Christians, we’re called to be more active and full of good works than the world. But we’re also called to be more reliant, more humble, and more aware of our need for help than the world. We are therefore to give all the glory to God when he causes our efforts to succeed. Let’s not live like practical atheists (‘God does nothing and we do everything’) or passive slackers (‘God does everything and we do nothing’). Instead, let’s live like prayerful activists. God does everything and we do something.
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Stephen Witmer (PhD, University of Cambridge) is the pastor of Pepperell Christian Fellowship in Pepperell, Massachusetts and an Adjunct Professor of New Testament at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. He has written for Themelios, Reformation 21, Bible Study Magazine and the Gospel Coalition website, and is the author of The Good Book Guide to Jonah and Restlessly Patient: How to Live in Light of Your Future (forthcoming).
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For more on living in Christ, check-out the free edition of Winfield Bevin's book Grow: Reproducing Through Organic Discipleship available at Exponential.
For more resources on how the gospel changes our relationships & responsibilities, see: Relationships First: Reasons it's Difficult to Share Our Faith by Jonathan Dodson & Messy Discipleship by Jake Chambers.
The Love of Our Father
And I do love him. I adore him. I am crazy about him and love being his daddy. And he adores me. He loves to wrestle, play, and tell me about the “capuchin” monkeys at the zoo. And he loves to cheer on his daddy. One day I was beating my friend Dustin at backyard soccer, and Ezra was on the trampoline jumping and watching. After I scored an epic goal, Ezra ran to the edge of the trampoline and put out his arms. I ran over to him thinking he wanted down. Instead he just wanted to give me a hug and yell, “Go Daddy!” It was awesome.
I remember the first night I brought Ezra home and it felt like my heart had exploded. I wept with joy and love. Lindsey and I both felt like Will Ferrell in Elf after his first date with Zoey Deschanel. All we could say was, “I am in love, I am in love, and I don’t care who knows it.”
ABBA FATHER – DADDY GOD
Ezra and I have a real relationship. I am his daddy, and he is my boy. That means something. It is a gift, and it is a blessing. Some will read this and be sad they don’t have kids, and some might read this and be sad they had a crappy dad or no dad at all. That is sad and is part of the curse of the fall. We were created to love and be loved. Sin has come into the world and separated us from God and one another. Sin is a relationship destroyer. But God is love. Christ proves his love for us through his death on the cross, and brings us back into perfect relationship back with our heavenly Father.
Our God is a Daddy. He reveals himself as Abba Father. One whose arms we can rest in. One whom we can watch, adore and, cheer on. And he loves us too. We are his beloved children. His kids. His girl. His boy.
GOD’S COVENANTAL LOVE
One of the things I told Ezra when he was born was that he never has to work for my love. That I love him with a covenantal love. I choose to love him forever. It is a love that is not based on his performance. This is the love our Father loves us with. It is an everlasting covenant.
He chooses us, adopts us, creates the way for us to be in his family forever, and loves us in spite of our performance and rebellion. This is a love we do not deserve, and it is a powerful and perfect love. He is not ashamed to love us as he loves us and doesn’t care who knows it!
It can be so easy to forget this covenantal love when you feel the weight of trying to perform — trying to prove yourself to the world and to others and ultimately to God. I remember feeling this way not to long ago. I can often slip into this feeling, and it is heavy and exhausting. One day, I was feeling this weight and some friends prayed over me. One of them had a vision of God looking at me and saying – “I love you. You are my boy. Rest, Jake. The Father loves you. You don’t have to perform, as I am already here with you.” I wept under the freedom of these powerful and loving words. My God is a relational God. He is a Daddy that loves me. And I get to run to him, hug him, and cheer him on – “Go Daddy!”
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
Knowing our Father helps us know who we are. As Christians we are sons and daughters of a holy and perfect Father. We are not alone. We belong to a heavenly family and will live together for eternity. We don’t have to take on life’s pain and struggles like a cowboy in a Clint Eastwood movie, but instead we get to share our triumphs and trials as a church praying together to “our Father who art in heaven.”
If you are feeling the weight of loneliness or the pressure to prove yourself, I want to encourage you to confess it to God and to your church family. I want to encourage you to run to your Father’s arms and let him embrace you and tell you the truth of his love for you. Praise and thank him that you are not alone and that you don’t have to perform for his love. Tell some of your church friends to remind you of these truths — that you have a perfect daddy. Rest in this beautiful truth and when the world asks you why you have such peace and rest in a chaotic world, point them to your loving Father!
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Jake Chambers is a member of Jesus’ bride - the church, husband to his beautiful bride Lindsey, and a daddy to his boy Ezra. Jake is passionate about seeing the gospel both transform lives and create communities that love Jesus, the city, and the lost. He currently serves Red Door Church through leading, preaching, equipping, and pastoring. You can read more of his writing at reddoorlife.tv.
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For more in-depth reading about family discipleship, see Family Worship, by Winfield Bevins.
For more free articles about loving our children with the love of the Father, check out Ways to Love Your Children, by Patrick Morley, and Kids in the Family of God – Part One and Kids in the Family of God – Part Two, by Ben Connelly.
Gospel Discipline
My oldest daughter is made in her father’s image. She has my personality — good and bad. Maybe that’s why I get frustrated so easily with her. My knee jerk reaction is to respond swiftly and often in anger. So much of what frustrates me is more about my own hurt pride than anything else. We’ve all been in the store where the child is screaming - whether it’s your child or not. It’s easy as a parent to grit your teeth and smile and say something like “When we get home, you’re gonna get it!” and rush out of the store.
However, it’s much harder but much more beneficial for parents and children to patiently and loving discipline while using that as opportunity to share the gospel with our children. What’s even more important is what we do in the days and weeks and months leading up to these incidents. Those moments will impact our response and the discipline we give out.
I don’t have all the answers for disciplining children, but the gospel empowers us to patiently and loving use those moments and informs how we must disciple our children.
Foundational: The Gospel for All of Life
The gospel must inform all of our family life. Being Christian in name only must not be tolerated in our churches, families, and communities. We must not compartmentalize our lives. The death and resurrection of Christ is a dramatic climax in the one Story and that singular event should reverberate through out our own story. Moses understood something about this. God had just dramatically displayed his power and glory by delivering his people out of their slavery in Egypt. He then commanded them:
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. - Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Your knee jerk reaction may be that’s Old Testament. But the story of Israel’s redemption out of Egypt is meant as a type of our own redemption (for more development on this theme read Mike Wilkerson’s Redemption or Tom Holland’s Contours of Pauline Theology). More importantly Deuteronomy is a packed full of gospel truth. Darrel Bock in his Deuteronomy NIVAC calls the book "the gospel according to Moses." Through Moses, God commands parents to rehearse his covenant faithfulness in redeeming his people from Egypt to their children. Likewise, we must rehearse the covenant faithfulness of God in redeeming the church by the blood of Christ.
This habit must be foundational for our family. The gospel story should saturate our family’s interactions - when we’re walking, hiking, eating, driving, helping with homework, and disciplining. It’s this foundational gospeling which allows us to weave our children’s story - both before their salvation and after - into the one Story.
Before their salvation we speak of the covenant faithfulness of God in Christ. We share our stories and give testimony of the power of God to save. We speak boldly about our former condition as those dead in our sins and the new life and power we have in Christ. We share that we are united with him - adopted as sons and daughter. We do not strive for peace and right-standing with God. He has justified us. We now live out of gratitude and joy by the power of the Spirit pursuing the holiness, which is ours in Christ.
We can also echo the one Story in the way we interact with our children in other ways. For instance, my older daughter’s birthday just passed, and we promised her we would go to the aquarium. She asked us many times in the days leading up to our trip if we were really going to the aquarium.
I'd ask her, “Did daddy promise we would go to the aquarium?”
“Yes,” she'd reply.
I then explained that when I promise her something I work as hard as I can to keep that promise. But guess who never breaks a promise? God. Even when daddy tries his best sometimes unexpected things happen. But nothing catches God off guard. He’s planned everything out in advance and is in control. And he’s promised that anyone who comes to him in the name of Jesus will not be turned away. He’s also promised that if you ask him to forgive your sins and place your trust in Christ that you will be adopted into his family.
We share these gospel truths and confidently tell our children these promises are their promises if they place their trust in Christ.
After their salvation, we remind them of the mind of Christ, which is theirs already (Philippians 2). We rehearse the promise of God in Christ and encourage them to lay hold of those promises in faith daily for encouragement as they struggle to walk worthy of their calling in Christ. Especially with children who may profess Christ early this is important. We do not point them back to a moment of time or the sincerity of their profession. We point them back to the promises of God. “God has said he would do this. Do you believe that promise? It’s yours then.”
What about Discipline?
At this point you may be asking. OK that’s well and good but what does this have to do with discipline? Paul admonishes the Ephesians:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. - Ephesians 6:1-4
First, Paul tells the children to obey the parents. This command is not a bare command. He’s not just saying kids obey because I said so. These household codes are connected with the gospel foundation he’s laid at the beginning of the book (Ephesians 1-3). Second, Paul tells the parents not to provoke the children to anger. Both commands are rooted in the gospel.
The instruction is what I’ve already laid out. It’s the daily gospeling. It’s the faithful living in light of that truth. Christian parenting should look like the faithful stewarding of our Lord’s children. We sacrificially serve him by disciplining them. They are first and foremost people created in his image, and if they are saved they are especially his bride. We should not lose sight of either of these truths.
What’s more. We do this particularly by not provoking them to anger. If the gospel doesn’t inform our parenting, it will be hard to love our children and discipline them with out expressing our frustration and anger. The gospel reminds us that our sins were serious enough to send Christ to the cross - preventing our anger from seeping out. But it also reminds us that our children’s sins are serious enough to require a Savior which informs the way we discipline.
If you do not rehearse the gospel story faithfully like Moses in Deuteronomy commands then when these volatile situations arise, sinner(s) (parents) plus sinner (children) will equal anger and frustration for both parties. However, if the gospel informs all of our family life then those truths will inevitably transform the way in which we discipline our children. It will prevent us from provoking them to anger and on the occasions where we do let our anger and frustration out, it allows us to ask for forgiveness admitting humbly it was a sin against God and them.
Practically, you might say something like “The way you treated your sister was very unkind. This is the type of sinfulness that Jesus died to save us from.” Insert appropriate discipline. “Now come sit with daddy and let me give you a hug and a kiss. I want to tell you that I love you even when you disobey and if you’ll place all your trust in Jesus he will take your dirty heart and give you a new heart so you no longer have to sin.”
Or for children who are saved, “The way you acted in the store was sinful. You acted selfishly. Jesus covered your sins on the cross and put your old dirty heart to death and gave you new life. Let’s pray that the Spirit would continue to transform your heart making you more like Christ.”
Gospel Discipline
By God's grace, we can make discipline less about us and more about God. We must create an atmosphere in our homes where the gospel informs all of life - allowing the covenant love and faithfulness of God to impact the way we love our children. When that moment comes when our children disobey, the gospel is in the forefront of our mind and our children’s. We’ve already established our love for them which empowers us to approach them calmly and places our discipline in the context of all the gospeling we’ve already done.
It turns a potential powder keg for resentment and anger into a discipleship opportunity. An opportunity to share the gospel with our children instructing them through the discipline. And hopefully as they grow older, mature, and place their faith in Christ (if they haven’t already). These times will be a positive experience--which provides you leverage to speak the gospel into their lives as they have more difficult circumstances and life choices to make.
If we fail to disciple our children through gospel-centered discipline. If we do provoke them to anger, they will look back at these times of discipline with resentment and anger. They will distrust us and we may not have the opportunity or leverage to speak into their lives later. Don’t lose hope - it’s never too late. You can start discipling them now by asking for their forgiveness and then demonstrating how the gospel has and will impact your relationship with them moving forward. Don’t miss out on the joy of sharing the gospel with your children. The great commission starts in our homes.
Mathew B. Sims is the Editor-in-Chief at Exercise.com and has authored, edited, and contributed to several books including A Household Gospel, We Believe: Creeds, Confessions, & Catechisms for Worship, A Guide for Advent, Make, Mature, Multiply, and A Guide for Holy Week. Mathew, LeAnn (his wife), and his daughters Claire, Maddy, and Adele live in Taylors, SC at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains with their Airdale Terrier. They attend Downtown Presbyterian Church (PCA). Visit MathewBryanSims.com!
Date Your Wife - Excerpt
(Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from Justin Buzzard's Date Your Wife.) Men are always measuring themselves. You can’t hang out with a group of three or more men for more than three minutes without hearing them take measurement of themselves. Listen to what men talk about—their accomplishments, successes, and unique experiences that separate them from others. It doesn’t matter if the man is a banker, a plumber, a pastor, a CEO, an artist, an athlete, or unemployed—all men craft a standard of accomplishment by which they measure themselves and measure other men.
Men get this from Genesis 2:15. This behavior stems from a misunderstanding of the mandate God gave men back in the garden of Eden. God gave Adam and God gave us a mission to accomplish. But God never told Adam and never told us to measure ourselves by the mission. God gave us a different standard of measurement. The measure of a man is not how successful or unsuccessful a man is at carrying out his mission.
The measure of a man is not what he says about himself or what other people say about him. The true measure of a man comes from what God says about him.
Adam didn’t believe this. And we don’t believe it either.
Adam failed at his mission. He didn’t keep Genesis 2:15. He didn’t guard his garden and his marriage. That’s why Adam hid from God and hid from his wife behind the cover of fig leaves and excuses. Adam found his identity in his ability to perform Genesis 2:15, to successfully cultivate and guard. Having royally failed in his performance, Adam’s whole identity was at stake. The measurement didn’t look good, so Adam hid, excused, and blamed.
Sound familiar?
Before God gave Adam a wife, he gave him a job—to cultivate and guard the garden. But here’s the really good news: before God gave Adam a job, he gave him an identity. Before God gave Adam a job to do or a mission to accomplish, he gave Adam an identity to embrace. Before God told Adam to do anything, he told Adam who he was—he gave Adam the true way to measure and define himself.
And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. - Genesis 1:31
Very good! After creating Adam, God looks down upon Adam and declares him very good. This is the living God speaking. This is God declaring what he thinks about Adam. This is Adam’s identity. What God says goes. If God says Adam is very good, then this is the voice that defines Adam.
Adam = A man created in the image of God and declared “very good” by God.
Adam’s Genesis 2:15 calling was meant to flow out of Adam’s Genesis 1:31 identity. God told Adam what he thought about him; he gave Adam his approval—before Adam lifted a finger in the garden. Adam received his God-approved identity before he had a chance to do anything to prove himself. This is what we call grace, or the gospel—the good news of receiving favor from God that we don’t deserve or earn. But Adam gets it backward. He didn’t listen. Instead of believing, accepting, and living consistently with this God-given identity based on grace, Adam settled for an identity based on works. Adam hid, excused, and blamed in the attempt to reestablish his identity, in the attempt to prove that he was not as guilty and unsuccessful as he looked. Adam settled for a life powered by religion instead of a life powered by the gospel.
This has been the biggest problem of my life. I base my identity on my performance. When I perform well at marriage, fatherhood, my job, cultivating and guarding the garden God has given me, and meeting my goals, I feel good about myself.
I’m happy with my measurements. But when I perform poorly in these spheres, I don’t feel good about myself. I don’t like what the measurements say about me, so I hide, make excuses, and play the blame game.
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Justin Buzzard is the lead pastor of Garden City Church, a new church plant in Silicon Valley. His preaching is featured on Preaching Today. You can also buy his books, Date Your Wife, Why Cities Matter, and Consider Jesus. Click here to view a list of favorite posts from JustinBuzzard.net. Twitter @JustinBuzzard or Facebook
To the Anxious Parent
All kinds of things contribute to this anxiety. Our culture encourages us to work ourselves to death and work our children to death so we can be successful. But this drive to succeed and consume more and more stuff can make us spiritually sick inside. Some have called it “affluenza”.
We’re so focused on earning money and spending money, meeting deadlines and reaching goals, that we drive ourselves crazy.
Anxious Toil
God has a word for us anxious parents. Psalm 127:3 says, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.”
Have you ever wondered why God made us in such a way that we have to sleep away a third of our lives? Isn’t that crazy? Think of how many hours we could be doing other things. Why did he make us that way? Why do we need sleep? Sleep is a gift from God. It reminds us that we are not God. God wants us to rest in him.
Rest in God
We are dependent little children. Isn’t that humbling? Our most important identity as parents is that we are children. We are children first and parents second. Let that sink in.
You are the Father's beloved child. And he is your gracious parent. He loves you, and because he loves you, he has given you the gift of sleep. He has given you rest. We need rest as parents, don’t we?
A couple weeks ago, my oldest daughter was having trouble sleeping. She was hot and needed to change into something cooler. Then she needed a drink of water. Then she needed to go to the bathroom. Then she needed me to tuck her in—again! I wanted to sit down and talk with my wife. I was done parenting for the day! But she kept whining and saying, “My blanket doesn’t feel right, and there’s birds chirping outside.” I finally yelled up at her, “It’s not going to be perfect until heaven! Get to sleep for crying out loud!” I reacted in anger because I wanted to rest. I deserved that, right?!
God knows what we need. He knows that we need sleep and rest to remind us that in the day-to-day struggles of parenting. He’s God, and we’re not. And he’s at work even as we sleep to parent us as we parent our kids. So, in times of anger, in times of anxiety, he’s helping us to depend on him as broken and beloved children.
Depend on God
We are dependent children. That’s our identity. Seems humbling, I know. But we’re just following after Jesus. Paul Miller, in his book, A Praying Life, says, “Jesus is without question the most dependent human being who ever lived” (p. 45).
We know that because he said things like, “I can do nothing on my own” (John 5:30). He depended on his Father and the Holy Spirit for everything. And he prayed, and he prayed, and he prayed - even going away to desolate places to be alone with his Father in prayer.
As parents, Jesus calls us to follow his example and pray and come to him for rest. I love his invitation in Matthew 11:28: “Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Remember the Son
Jesus offers a different kind of rest. Rest in the finished work of Christ on our behalf. On the cross, Jesus, the perfect King, took our unrighteousness and gave us his perfect righteousness so that by faith we are his beloved children (2 Cor. 5:21).
That truth changes how we parent. When Christian parents build their lives on who they are in Christ – it changes everything. Instead of “eating the bread of anxious toil,” we can rest.
- We rest because we are declared to be right with God on the basis of Christ’s righteousness, not ours
- We rest because he has called us his holy and beloved children
- We rest because we are forgiven and he has covered our many failures and will remember our sins no more
- And we rest because He has accepted us and looks on us as perfect parents because of our bond with His perfect Son
Feel that. Rest in that. Stop eating the bread of anxious toil. You’re a child first and a parent second. Depend on him, meditate on Christ's work, and find real rest.
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Doug Wolter served for eight years as family pastor at LaGrange Baptist Church in Kentucky. He is now senior pastor at Oak Hill Baptist Church in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an amazing wife and three incredible kids who continue to humble him and fill him with joy. He enjoys drinking coffee, reading, exercising, and blogging at life2getherblog.com.
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For more resources on gospel-centered family life, check out Winfield Bevin's A Beginner's Guide to Family Worship.
For more free articles on parenting, read: A Child's Gospel by Ben Connelly, Finding Christ in the Family Room by Luma Simms, and Becoming a Parent and Discipling Children by Jonathan Dodson.
A Child's Gospel
(Editor’s Note: This is the third article of a three part series entitled Kids in the Family of God. Here is Part One and Part Two.) I don’t think it’s biased to say my 23-1/2 month-old daughter is the cutest child God ever created. (Though she may be rivaled in two weeks when our second kiddo is born.) But coupling that statement with biblical truth, I should rightly say, “She’s the cutest little ball of depravity ever created!” From as early as three months, we knew our daughter was selfish, self-serving, and self-focused. Honestly, how could she be anything else!?
As she’s grown, and as we lovingly discipline her, we’re learning to speak not of good or bad - of “trying hard” and succeeding and failing. Instead, we speak of obedience and authority and discipline. As parents, we try (though we often fail) to reflect the loving-parent-ness of God when we explain to her – whether she can understand or not – that we know what’s best for her, and even if it hurts her feelings, she needs to obey because God put us in her life to reflect him.
By engaging kids, we see brokenness restored, over and over and over.
When we see her move from disobedience to obedience, we see an echo of the gospel. Humanity was created to obey. Our fallen nature pulls us to disobey. Her obedience is common grace as God turns her heart to listen and act.
When we lovingly have those corrective conversations in our community, two things occur: first, we display gospel-focused discipline for other parents and for those who will be parents one day. We learn from other parents in their loving discipline as well. Second, no matter what someone’s family history is, or how they were raised and disciplined, our community experiences together what it means to address the heart in our own disobedience. While we encourage our community not to carry out discipline in front of others, we do have these corrective conversations, and doing so has led to great discussions on our own tendencies, and our need for God to change our own hearts.
Corrective discipline is just one example of seeing brokenness restored in our children. When one child hurts another (intentionally or otherwise), we see forgiveness asked and granted, and a relationship restored. Even thinking on physical restoration, kids seem to get sick, bloody, stubbed, and bonked far more and far easier than grown-ups. But they also seem to bounce back with far more ease than our aged bodies do!
In seeing health restored after sickness, in seeing black and blue toes return to normal, even in seeing teary eyes turn into joyful squeals, we see brokenness restored. In the same way that Jesus’ physical healing pointed toward his spiritual work, all of these little restorations are echoes of the objective reality of God’s restorative work in his creation. Paul explains this in his letter to the Colossians: “For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.” (Colossians 1:19-20).
Raising kids in the family of God allows you to see these things often - in your own children and in others.
Kids’ Need for You - Your Need for God
Most of us are familiar with verses like “I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Luke 18:17) and “Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4). But when we really stop to think of what these verses mean, we see the gospel echoed in the life of a child.
Think of what a baby is able to do. Nothing. Young children are completely reliant on something outside of themselves: to provide for them, to nourish them, to care for them, to teach them, to do everything for them. Think of an elementary child. They’ve figured out how to walk and feed themselves, but they’re full of questions. They don’t know “this” or “that,” and they turn to someone “greater than themselves” (to use overly-obvious language for the metaphor I’m getting at) for answers. Even the rebellious teenager still needs Mom and Dad far more than they let on, and if the relationship is healthy, even adult children ask their parents for advice.
“Receiving the kingdom… like a little child” speaks of our great need - our inability to receive the kingdom by attaining it, by self-reliance, by our own work, action, and volition. We need something outside ourselves and greater than ourselves to deliver the kingdom to us. The only position we’re able to take before our heavenly Father is “humble… like a child” – full of nothing but a desperate need for God the Spirit to convict us of sin, enact his salvation, and continually apply the truth of our inability to areas of sin, selfishness, and evil. In objective salvation and in ongoing discipleship, children remind us of our need for God. Because whatever it is, without his work in and through us, we can’t do it.
Parents have the blessing of seeing this day in and day out. But as our entire church participates with our children, in communities and during gatherings, everyone can see reflections of our own position before God. Whether providing snacks, rocking to sleep, drying tears, opening a jar, cleaning up a spill, leading a song, saying a prayer, changing a diaper, picking up a toy, protecting against allergies, praying for, or otherwise serving our kids, we’re reminded of our great childlike need as we meet the needs of children.
Breaking idols
This has been alluded to already in this series of posts, but a third way we see the gospel is to realize that raising kids in the family of God reveals our hearts, and reveals our idols. Here are just a few examples:
- Embarrassment by a kid running, or making a noise, in a gathering of the church, might display a “fear of man” idol – you care more than you should, about what “they” think of you and your parenting.
- Annoyance with a child’s comment during a community meeting might display a lack of patience, which might be a control issue and/or selfishness over (in your mind) the “wasted time.”
- Stifling your child’s comments, for fear of what they might say, might be another control issue, as you distrust that God’s sovereign goodness extends even to your child – even if that means God uses your kid’s comment to humble you!
- Many parents don’t want other parents to speak into their family. While some advice-giving is ill-placed, self-sufficiency and pride is revealed in disregarding, or disallowing, godly counsel and wisdom from folks who are removed from your family’s daily patterns and rhythms. (One of the greatest parenting rebukes we’ve received was from a college guy – I despised him for a moment “what right do you have…” but he was removed enough to see objectively what I couldn’t!)
- Harsh words that slip out toward your child might reveal your lacking understanding of grace or at least your lack of displaying that grace.
What is revealed about how you treat your kids and the kids in your community?
I close this posts with wise words from Tim Chester:
"In You Can Change [Crossway, 2010] I identify four truths about God (the four Gs as some have characterized them):
- God is great – so we don’t have to be in control
- God is glorious – so we don’t have to fear others
- God is good – so we don’t have to look elsewhere
- God is gracious – so we don’t have to prove ourselves
“All our sinful behavioural and negative emotions stem from a failure at a functional level to believe one of these truths. So they’re a great diagnostic tool – both for ourselves and when pastoring others. But more importantly, they offer hope. Learning to have faith in these areas offers the real prospect of change through faith. It means we are speaking good news to people and that’s what we’re after – gospel-centred change. Legalism says, ‘You must not . . .’ The gospel says, ‘You need not . . . because God is bigger and better than sin.’"
Beyond biblical principles to follow and beyond experiential practice, the heart of raising kids in the family of God is that – in parents, in community members, in attendees of the church gathering, and in anyone else who participates in the corporate life – God uses children as one very-easy-to-see-way to reveal our idols. Through children, he shines a light on our selfishness. Through children, he shows our need for grace when we fail our children and other parents. And through children, he consistently points us toward the unquenchable need to “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:12-13).
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Ben Connelly lives in Fort Worth, TX, with his wife and daughter (with another on the way this fall). He started The City Church in 2010 and lives on mission by teaching public speaking at TCU. Ben sits on the board of a few city-focused organizations, trains occasionally across the country, and writes at benconnelly.net. Twitter: @connellyben
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Parents, for more resources on discipling your children at home, check out Winfield Bevin's Beginner's Guide to Family Worship.
Gospel Love & Arranged Marriage
Before we moved to Dubai four years ago to plant a church the only information I had about arranged marriages was what I saw in movies. As I’ve come to minister alongside and disciple some wonderful, Spirit-filled women in arranged marriages, the gospel has shaped my ministry in this context.
Obstacles & Opportunities
While marriages that are arranged present some unique obstacles, unique opportunities have also surfaced. Said another way, the gospel is for everyone, and followers of Christ are called to set aside cultural presuppositions as we make disciples. Examples of this abound in the Book of Acts and in Paul's letters. Our calling is no different now.
It is my hope that in sharing the lessons I've learned about discipleship and arranged marriages that some principles and examples of grace will speak to the ability of the gospel to transcend geo-political and cultural boundaries with the message of hope and renewal and salvation found only in Christ Jesus.
Gospel Hope for Arranged Marriages
I know we may be tempted to think that perhaps some relationships are outside the realm of gospel application. Some issues and situations are just too different, we reason. But the gospel is thoroughly relevant to any and all relationships. God, in his all-powerful sovereignty, governs our relationships—even the relationships that seem from the outset to be entirely orchestrated by us.
The gospel even informs and shapes arranged marriages.
There are many varieties of arranged marriages, but not a single one of them is planned outside of the providential will of our sovereign God.
Some arranged marriages are brilliant testimonies to God’s manifold wisdom as thoughtful parents and young adults are guided by the Holy Spirit. Some arranged marriages speak of God’s common grace and his merciful redemption in spite of our faithlessness and reckless planning. And sadly, some arranged marriages are cause for mourning as families and couples’ lives intersect with each other in the midst unrighteous deeds that will bring God’s judgment if they don’t escape through trusting the Son. One such example of this would be the arranged marriages of “child brides,” in which case legal authorities ought to intervene to protect the rights of children to not be given in marriage.
It goes to follow that some “love marriages” (as they are commonly called) are testimonies to God’s manifold wisdom. Some are beautiful pictures of his redeeming love despite our failures. And some desperately need to be introduced to Christ Jesus, the one who epitomizes, initiates, and sustains love.
In our consideration of how the gospel is thoroughly relevant to arranged marriages, it is evident that arranged marriages are not dissimilar to love marriages in their dependence on Jesus Christ for all things pertaining to life and godliness.
The Opportunities of Differences - Vested Interest
As similar as arranged marriages and love marriages are in their dependence on the gospel, there are some practical differences to note. I’ll mention two of these unique qualities of arranged marriages and their relationship to gospel-centered discipleship.
A first note of difference is that in an arranged marriage the community and family have a greater degree of collective input in match-making and the perseverance of the marriage. This vested interest in a marriage often results in a greater degree of accountability for the new couple. The new couple is expected to fall in line with the expectations of the community and family in almost every arena of married life. This vested interest on the part of the community can mean increased support for the new couple. For the sake of the community, families and neighbors are more likely to come alongside new couples with practical helps and counsel.
The gospel sustains arranged marriages in communities that are reborn through imperishable seed. The gospel is also thoroughly relevant to arranged marriages in non-Christian contexts as well. In these cases, the couples must remain intentionally and deeply committed to fellowship in their local church where gospel-centered discipleship can happen. As the couple receives encouragement and edification from the gospel-centered community, they shine as lights in a dark world.
The Opportunities of Differences - Working Knowledge
A second note of difference is that in many arranged marriages the new couple does not enter marriage with a “working knowledge” of their spouse. Their families may have been friends since they were children, but often in cultures that practice arranged marriages the young men and young women do not socially intermix. In these cases, the practical discussions that occur in premarital counseling are territory that is likely covered after the covenant of marriage has already been made.
In this instance the foundation of the gospel is even more obvious. When encouraging a friend to stay faithful to their arranged marriage you do not have the surface-level motive of “Remember why you got married” as a motivator from which to draw. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19) becomes manifestly important! We must choose to love one another with the strength that Christ provides to the praise of God the Father. This strength comes from being rooted and grounded in the love of Christ as it is displayed in the gospel of grace.
Don’t be reluctant to counsel your friend in an arranged marriage toward their dependence on Jesus Christ as the author of their faith. The trunk of their family tree may look different, but the roots of the gospel are the same and the fruits of the Spirit are universally sweet.
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Gloria Furman is a member of Redeemer Church of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates where her husband Dave is the pastor. They have three children - Aliza, Norah, and Judson. Gloria blogs regularly at Domestic Kingdom.
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For more on living the mission of Christ, check-out Winfield's book Grow: Reproducing Through Organic Discipleship.
For more free mission resources, see: A Gospel for the Muslim by JD Greear, Raising Gospel Centered Children by Luma Simms, and Discipleship 101: How to Disciple a New Believer by Justin Buzzard.
Finding Christ in the Family Room
Scripture does not give us an imperative for family worship. This is important to say at the outset so that we are not laying down “sanctification” markers for each other. Having said that, however, we still need to acknowledge that God's Word does command us to teach our children how to love the Lord (Deut. 6) and train them in his discipline and instruction (Ephesians 6:4).
Principles & Methods
Before looking at family worship, it is important to discuss how the Bible gives us principles that we are to take and wisely apply in our particular situation. We should not do this just to go along with the more “sanctified” crowd. No, we are to be realistic about ourselves, our children, our own family culture, our strengths and weaknesses, and then prayerfully and wisely make household decisions. So whether in education, entertainment, clothing styles, family activities, and so on, we look to Scripture for liberties and boundaries and make thoughtful, prayerful choices.
Sometimes, we may find that the choice we made doesn't fit with our individual family, and we should adjust. Either way, when Scripture gives us principles, we should not use our particular application as a measuring rod for other people's devotion to Christ, nor are we to hold it up as the only godly way of living out a particular Biblical principle. This is not relativism. This is called grace. We need to give each other grace to execute these principles differently in the context of our individual families. This is one of the differences between principles and methods.
"Family Worship"
I've prayed for my children throughout pregnancy, during delivery, and over them as babies. Even when we were nominal Christians, we prayed with our children before bed. But I remember distinctly the first time I saw what is known as “family worship.” We had just moved into a new neighborhood and began attending a small Reformed church when a dear family took us under their wings and began mentoring us. They invited us into their home, where we got to see a family living the life of faithful Christians.
I was a green-behind-the-ears stay-at-home mom, desiring to learn what this new role—which I had been kicking against and hoping to avoid—really looked like day in and day out. Even though I had just delivered our third child we felt “new” in our roles because we had at that same time decided to eschew feminism, careerism, and egalitarianism for “the traditional biblical model,” if such a thing was possible.
This family at the time was going through Starr Meade's Training Hearts, Teaching Minds. Their love for each other and the responsiveness of the children to the parents was evident. And so we promptly bought the same book, which is a family devotional based on the Westminster Shorter Catechism. After a few months, our mentor family moved away, but we kept on going with our family worship. We did different books through different seasons. But things kept escalating until we arrived at the point where my husband wrote a family liturgy that we would recite—a liturgy that might be beautiful if done correctly in a church but not fit for family worship. In our zeal for “godliness,” we crushed our children with "family worship."
Tools of Discipleship
Family worship is a tool, and if the parents are tethered to the gospel, it can be a wonderful discipleship tool in the home. However, if this tool is not used wisely it can become a joyless burden to the children. Discernment is required. We should probably think through a few guiding principles as we seek to use the tool of family worship in our homes.
1. A Merciful Perspective
First, we need to remember to be merciful to our children in the area of family worship. Many Christian parents love their children and desire them to grow into Christ followers. This is as it should be, and I praise God for it. But with this comes a temptation that we should be aware of and work to keep in check. We can be so driven by our desires to see our kids saved and sanctified we forget how God deals with us as his children. I think it is helpful to not only think of ourselves as parents but as children—Children of our heavenly Father. If we keep this thought at the forefront of our parenting, it will drive us to be more mindful of their perspective or frame.
As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. - Psalm 103:13–14
In this Psalm, God is compared to a father who shows compassion on his children. If we are not characterized by compassion to our children, this should cause us to do a 180 degree turn! Scrolling up to verse 8, we are told, “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.”
Do we give our children this kind of bountiful grace or do we call them on the carpet for every sin? Do we spend our time chiding them for their wriggly bottoms during family worship or do we adjust our expectations of these little souls remembering our own wriggly bottoms when the Lord is trying to teach us something? Psalm 130:3 says, “If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.”
2. Acts of Gentleness
Let us take our parenting cues from our heavenly Father. Does your family have a two year old? Well, maybe he gets his own bedtime prayer and you wait until that little person is asleep instead of forcing a tired toddler to sit still in the lap to “participate” in family worship. A time of day when everyone is excited to be together and involved would be a good time to harness to use for building your children in the Lord (e.g. meal time, prayer time right before bed when most children tend to be more open and willing to be gently shepherded).
Think back to how longsuffering your heavenly Father has been with you. How many of your sins has he forgiven? How long has it taken you to get to where you are right now and how much more time will it take to be formed into the image of Christ? This should correct our expectations of our children and help us enact gentle kindness and longsuffering patience toward them as we use the tool of family worship in our home.
3. Relentless Prayer
Next, we must remember that family worship is only one tool, not the only tool that the Lord can and will use in the life of your child. Don't let it be the end all and be all, which was my temptation and stumbling block. Our heavenly Father is so creative. Every day I am surprised at the manifold ways he works on my children's hearts.
The most potent tool for discipling and reaching the heart of your children is actually prayer. No “family this” or “family that” will ever have the power to transform the lives of the members of the family—only prayer in the name of Jesus. Let us be like the widow who was relentless and persistent, who wouldn't stop going to the judge. (Luke 18:1–8) Let us day and night bombard heaven with prayers for, and often with, our children.
Putting the Worship Back in Family Worship
Having said all this, I do want to note that the Lord does indeed use the methods of family worship. I certainly don't want to discount that, I just want to put it in its proper place. Family worship should not occupy the center. Jesus does. Family worship is a tool that I personally love and believe can bring depth to the spiritual life of a family, when used wisely.
In our case, we now use three different gospel-centered books for family worship. We have five children, and their ages range from 1 to 18. For us, we needed gospel-focused books that would work in a family that has kids of all ages. So we rotate between using The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally-Lloyd Jones, The Gospel Story Bible by Marty Machowski, and Long Story Short also by Marty Machowski.
We are not perfectionists about these books. Sometimes we do one lesson or story. Other times we do more. We give the kids who can read the Bible readings to read to the family. We put the baby to bed first so he isn't a distraction and so we're not spending all our time trying to keep him still.
We also allow the children to choose what they want to pray for. Usually the older ones will pray for global saints and churches, the middle prays for church family members on the church prayer calendar, and our 4 ½ year old just loves to pray for his baby brother.
Now, this is just an example of our method. Don't feel compelled to go follow it. Pray and consider the frame of your children. Maybe what is best for right now is a short prayer in the morning with a verse or something from The Jesus Storybook Bible. There was a time when teaching and reciting the Children's Catechism was fruitful for us, and a time when it was good for us to look elsewhere. Explore different options and don't get caught in that harsh place where the perfect becomes the enemy of the good. Don't be too disappointed if something doesn't work out, keep trying.
Above all, remember that the goal of any of these discipleship tools is to draw that little person's (or big person's) soul to Jesus Christ. We don't need to prove our theological prowess to our children, we just need to show them the same kind of love Jesus shows us.
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Luma Simms (@lumasimms) is a wife and mother of five delightful children between the ages of 1 and 18. She studied physics and law before Christ led her to become a writer, blogger, and Bible study teacher. Her book Gospel Amnesia is forthcoming on GCD Press. She blogs regularly at Gospel Grace.
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For more resources on family worship check-out Winfield Bevin's A Beginner's Guide to Family Worship.
Kids in the Family of God - Part Two
(Editor’s Note: This is the second part of a three part series entitled Kids in the Family of God. Here is Part One and Part Three.) Kids Ministry: Equipping Parents
The focus of a kids ministry shouldn’t actually be kids. The focus of a kids ministry should be parents. Whether kids are in preschool or high school, the same principle applies. Churches and leaders who put time, effort, money, resources, and intentionality into equipping parents instead of putting on a show for children accomplish two significant things: they work toward developing the whole-life spiritual maturity of the children, and they put parents back in the place the Bible places them. Let me explain both concepts.
Developing a Child’s Whole Life
Generally, churches with Sunday-focused kids ministries spend 50-100 hours per year (of the 8,760 hours in the year) with kids. Minus vacations, sickness, and other reasons to miss, trained workers teach kids biblical concepts for an hour or two on Sundays, and very intentional churches might host a second age-specific gathering sometime during the week. In those few hours, trained leaders must cram in entertainment (crafts or games depending on kids’ ages), sometimes music, sometimes a snack, and according to nearly every curriculum we surveyed over 18 months, a Bible story that immediately transfers into a life lesson. “Discipleship and growth” become limited to a few hours a month, and generally become limited to one “style”: in a group, with lots of energy, listening to a teacher teach a broad lesson.
But what happens in the rest of a child’s week when the teacher isn’t there? Who hears about getting made fun of on the playground? Who’s there to encourage the student in the midst of a specific high school struggle? At minimum, if a child is in school until 4pm and goes to bed at 8pm, parents interact with their kids 1460 hours a year! Parents see the daily struggles. Parents have conversations in the car. Parents are asked the hard questions. Parents deal with the specifics, the scenarios, the struggles, the sins. Parents meet their child - every single day - where the real-life rubber hits the road.
Those are the moments where faith is tested and proven. Those are the instances where stories and concepts break down. Those are the times where reality is faced and decisions are made. Why wouldn’t we pour all effort into the people who are there in those moments? That’s the idea of developing a child’s whole-life – kid ministry leaders and missional community facilitators don’t see a kid’s whole-life, so they can’t develop a kid’s whole-life.
Putting Parents in Their Place
The fact that parents are with their kids more than church leaders isn’t a scary concept, and the fact that church leaders can’t develop a child’s whole-life isn’t a bad reality: it’s biblical! Throughout the Bible, God says that parents are the primary disciplers of their children. This concept is most clearly seen in Deuteronomy 6, as God gives one of the most well-known and beloved commands in the entire Hebrew scriptures:
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. - Deuteronomy 6:4-7
It’s generally understood that the first half of this command is the primary belief in Hebrew theology. It’s a big one: “God is one, and you must love him with your entire being.” The rest of the Bible shows how to do that, and indeed, the rest of Deuteronomy contains many of the 613 commandments that make up the Old Testament Law. But notice the second half of this passage: God doesn’t tell his people to farm spiritual instruction out to “experts.”
And he doesn’t command them to limit it to a few hours, in a controlled setting, like parents often do today. “YOU shall teach them diligently to your children…” Who should? “YOU! Any reader of this passage. Every parent is instructed to teach God’s Law to your children!” And the venue for this spiritual instruction is in the midst of everyday life and activity: when you sit, when you travel, when you go to bed, when you get up. In the midst of normal activity, a child’s whole-life spiritual development occurs.
Parents, this principle isn’t isolated in the OT; it’s echoed throughout the Bible: you are the primary disciple-maker of your children. Giving that responsibility to “the church” is to abdicate your biblical role. That’s a dangerous place to be.
Church leaders, when you focus on entertaining children instead of training their parents, you potentially prevent parents from fulfilling their biblical command, and you unintentionally limit children’s spiritual development. That’s a dangerous place to be.
Churches, Equip Parents to Train Their Children
The best kids ministry is the one that equips parents to disciple their children well. Train parents in the gospel and the Bible, resource them to overcome their fears and inadequacies, equip them to teach their kids in both objective and situational circumstances, then come alongside them as a family and support them in their biblical role. That’s a biblical, healthy kids ministry.
How’s this look practically? My church has tried different ideas for the past two years, but here’s some of what’s happening now, and what’s in development:
- Our youngest kids follow the weekly rhythm of “parents – church gathering – missional communities” for objective biblical training: every week our kid ministry leader sends a Bible story, memory verse, and questions to parents. Parents read and discuss the stories, verses, and questions with their kids before Sunday, so that parents are the first to introduce biblical stories and concepts to their children. Then at church gathering, kids have the passages reiterated by kid ministry leaders, allowing them to see that other adults believe the same thing as their parents. In this way, the church comes alongside parents to support the material parents have taught their kids. Finally, the missional community comes alongside parents in reinforcing the same scriptures - with new questions and activities - as young kids have their own discussion in community meetings. Every concept is taught three times, and the church first resources parents to be the primary disciplers of these foundational truths, then comes alongside the parents to reinforce and support the teaching.
- Older kids experience whole-life spiritual development alongside the rest of the church: with kid-specific mentions in sermons and encouragement from small groups, kids first grade and older walk through scripture and regularly hear the gospel and biblical truth address real-life issues, everyday problems, sin struggles, and prayer concerns, alongside the rest of the church family. Many families continue to use the parent and small group resources mentioned above in various settings and discussions as their kids grow through their elementary years.
- Quarterlies: In our church’s decentralized model of “communities on mission,” we see great benefit in regularly bringing families and kids together based on age. Rather than a programmed, weekly event which is the focus of that age’s ministry, these “quarterlies” are more focused on our “family identity” – we’re simply connecting as a unified church, and meeting other families by age. For kids, these events are starting points for relationships and intentionality; for parents, there’s training, discussion, or the beginning of their own relationships and intentionality. The relationships then overflow into everyday life as families live as “THE family” of God together.
- Classes and discipleship plans: In addition to the weekly rhythm above, we are beginning to pour resources into equipping parents well, in intentional areas of need. However this looks in your setting, on top of objective Bible knowledge, parents need to be trained in everyday things like…
- Living their biblical role as a parent in today’s culture
- Speaking the gospel on their kids’ level
- Gospel-centered discipline, which plays out differently by age
- Answering needs and situations with the gospel
- How and when to talk to their kids about tough issues well (like faith, sex, puberty, school, college, driving, and many more)
- Dealing with tough parenting decisions well (sin, schedule, schooling, budget, saving for college, etc.)
We’re compiling resources to intentionally train parents on these issues and more, or to eventually develop resources in areas where resources are lacking. We’re also developing a resource to help parents think intentionally through their child’s spiritual development. This “discipleship plan” simply asks parents to take time at least once a year, to consider different areas of their child’s life, faith, patterns, identities - and ask how they hope to see their child grow the following year. Our leaders and the parents’ missional community then comes alongside to help in the child’s discipleship.
God’s Instruction Regarding Kids
My church hasn’t developed and carried out these principles of kids ministry simply because they’re “different” or “cool” – and we certainly don’t do kids ministry like we do because it’s easy! Instead, every idea we have regarding kids in the family of God is found deeply rooted in the picture of God’s family seen in the Bible. All we do is carry out the same principles, as closely as possible, in today’s context.
A Summary of Children in the Family of God
Here are four principles we see in the Bible, with a few verses (among others) in which the principle is seen clearly. All verses ESV; italics added throughout:
1. Parents are the primary disciplers of their children
- Deuteronomy 6:4-7: “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
- Proverbs 1:8-9: “Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.”
- Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
- Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (echoed in Colossians 3:21)
2. Children are specifically addressed, and are found in the gatherings of God’s people, throughout the Bible
- Deuteronomy 31:12-13: “Assemble the people, men, women, and little ones, and the sojourner within your towns, that they may hear and learn to fear the LORD your God, and be careful to do all the words of this law, and that their children, who have not known it, may hear and learn to fear the LORD your God, as long as you live in the land that you are going over the Jordan to possess.”
- Nehemiah 8:1-2: “And all the people gathered as one man into the square before the Water Gate. And they told Ezra the scribe to bring the Book of the Law of Moses that the LORD had commanded Israel. So Ezra the priest brought the Law before the assembly, both men and women and all who could understand what they heard, on the first day of the seventh month…”
- Psalm 78:4, speaking of the Law: “We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done…”
- 1 John 2:13: “I am writing to you, fathers, because you know him who is from the beginning. I am writing to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I write to you, children, because you know the Father.”
3. Jesus valued children, even – or especially! – when they were distracting/unwanted
- Mark 10:13-16: “And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.’ And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them…”
- Matthew 18:2-7, 10: “And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, ‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!’ …See that you do not despise one of these little ones.”
- John 6:8-9, as Jesus prepared to feed the 5000: “One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, said to him, “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?”
4. There are things about God’s kingdom that only children can teach us
- Matthew 11:16-17, 25: “But to what shall I compare this generation? It is like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling to their playmates, ‘We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn’…At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children…”
- Matthew 18:2-4: “And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven…”
- Matthew 21:16: “…and they said to him, ‘Do you hear what these are saying?’ And Jesus said to them, ‘Yes; have you never read, “Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise’?”
- Mark 10:15: “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
What do these passage lead to?
When we add to these principles the “family” imagery that runs throughout the Bible – especially the New Testament (it’s in nearly every book), and when we add the fact that, for the first 1900+ years of church, there was no separate “kids ministry,” we get the principles our church follows, as we try to raise kids in the family of God:
1. We believe that children, as young as is logical, should be included in the normative activity of the church family
2. We believe that as often as possible, families should worship together
3. We believe in setting high expectations for our children
4. We believe in equipping parents and the church to minister well to children
Thanks for learning with us how, by following the examples of scripture and history, all believers can try to raise kids in the family of God.
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Ben Connelly lives in Fort Worth, TX, with his wife and daughter (with another on the way this fall). He started The City Church in 2010 and lives on mission by teaching public speaking at TCU. Ben sits on the board of a few city-focused organizations, trains occasionally across the country, and writes at benconnelly.net. Twitter: @connellyben
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Parents, for more resources on discipling your children at home, check out Winfield Bevin's Beginner's Guide to Family Worship.
Ways to Love Your Children - Excerpt
(Editor's Note: The following selections come from Patrick Morley's Man Alive, Multnomah Publishers, 2012. They appear here with the author and publisher's permission. More information and a free download at Man in the Mirror.) Men, let's kick-off Father's Day with some practical ideas to be a great father. Nothing is more precious to a man than his children. If your children are doing well, all your other problems will fit into a thimble.
Raising godly kids today takes intentionality - the right amount of structure, time, prayers, encouragement, and affection. My own children are grown now. I did a lot of things wrong, but here are ten practical love-in-action things I did right for you to consider. Remember, love is what love does.
Lead Your Children in Family Devotions
Three or four days a week during the school year, we had a 15-minute family devotion. I usually started with a life situation - something in the neighborhood, from the newspaper, or a school situation. Then I read a Scripture passage that applied. We finished with each of us saying a short prayer. To make the prayers more than "Let us have a good day," we also prayed for someone in need each time.
Establish Work Boundaries
To make family my priority, I set up some rules: leave work no later than 6:00 p.m., don't take work home, and don't work weekends. During my evening commute, I'd let my mind process what I'd been doing during the workday - until I drove over a creek about a mile from our home. Then I would put everything into a mental briefcase and toss it into the creek. That gave me a couple of minutes to prepare to greet my family.
If you want to lead a balanced life, decide how many hours you want to work and stick to your guns. Put work appointments on your calendar in pencil, but put your family commitments in pen. Love is time, and time is love.
Spend Time with and Date Your Children
When our kids were young, we played board games after dinner. I endured endless, mind-numbing repetitions of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders - games that require the IQ of a goldfish. I drove them to school during the week and stayed home with them every Saturday morning while Patsy ran errands. I cherished this time with them. Once they became teenagers, I started taking one child out every Tuesday for a dinner date and something fun, like ice cream, go-carts, or the mall. Looking back, those were the best, and almost only, one-on-one times we had. If you're not intentional about this, a whole year can go by without you sharing a single deep conversation with your kids.
Pray for and Encourage Your Children with Words Every Day
I realized that my wife and I were probably the only ones who would intentionally be praying for our kids every day. So I made up a list of things to pray over - their salvation, growth, integrity, work ethic, protection, future mates, and so on. I don't think it's a coincidence that all the specifics we prayed for are today a reality.
I also made it a goal to tell each of my children daily, "I love you and I'm proud of you" - words I didn't hear growing up, which still affects me today. There's biblical precedent for this: At both the baptism of Jesus and the transfiguration, God spoke and said, "You are my dearly loved Son, and you bring me great joy." In other words, "I love you and I'm proud of you."
Attend as Many of Your Children's Activities as Possible
Perhaps because of my own experience with my parents not attending my games, I decided from the start that I would never miss a recital or a game. And I never did. Fortunately, my work allowed that flexibility. One of my greatest joys came the day my son said, "Dad, I don't know what I want to do, but whatever it is, I want a career that lets me attend my kids' games like you attended mine."
Eat Dinner Together
The dinner table can be the medium that allows families to transfer spiritual and moral values from one generation to the next. So we made eating dinner together a priority. We worked around school activities and didn't answer the phone during dinner. That's not likely to happen every night without fail, but at least don't make choices that preclude it.
Expose Your Children to Ministry
We participated as a family in many of the ministry opportunities offered by our church. In fact, we selected ministries precisely because we could include our children, such as housing visiting missionaries and delivering Thanksgiving meals. When they were older, our kids went without us to youth camps and on mission trips, which helped them build confidence in their own faith.
Make Your Children Responsible to Attend Church
Just as it's foolish to let your kids skip school, it's foolish to let them skip church. When kids are young, they will freely go to church if you go. Once our kids were teens, though, we experienced resistance. They were "too tired to go to church" after being out on Saturday night. So rather than do battle every Sunday morning, we transferred responsibility for attending church to them. If they were too tired to attend church, they could sleep in and skip church, but then the following Saturday night they needed to stay home so they wouldn't be so tired. Guess how many times that happened again?
Remember: You Hold an Awesome Power
Right now, your kids desperately need to know that someone loves them as they are. They yearn for someone who will overlook their faults, forgive their sins, and love them without reserve. They hunger for someone who delights in and believes in them. They thirst for someone who thinks they're great - who thinks the best of their motives. Whether they can articulate it or not, they long for someone who will make them feel safe.
You are God's designated solution. Are you willing to make the first move... and keep on making it?
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Patrick Morley graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida, which selected him to receive its Distinguished Alumnus Award in 1984. He has earned a Ph.D. in Management and completed post-graduate studies at the Harvard Business School and Oxford University, and graduated from Reformed Theological Seminary. Author of the best-selling book The Man in the Mirror, Patrick has written 18 books and founded Man in the Mirror - a ministry for men. He lives in Winter Park, FL with his wife, Patsy. They have two married children and four grandchildren. Twitter: @patrickmorley
Discipleship is for Young Parents Too
(Editor's Note: This article is reposted from a series at Domestic Kingdom and appears here with the author's permission.) As a mom of young children, I feel like I’m going, going, going all the time.
On a typical day, I have devotions to be done, breakfast to make, chores to supervise, reading to do, games to play, school to teach, lunch to make, diapers to change, dishes to clean, training to do, gospel conversations to have, naps to enforce, peace to keep, dinner to prepare, family bonding to facilitate, laundry to fold, and so on and so on.
Where in that long list of important activities can I find time or energy to disciple younger women? How much should helping other Christians grow factor into my daily plans? What could this discipleship look like?
Discipleship looks different in different seasons, and as a Christian parent who desires to see the gospel magnified, being a part of the growth of other Christians is a privilege and a necessity. When Christ came, he died for broken people. At the end of time, Christ will present his bride, the church, radiant and blameless to himself (Ephesians 5). There is no such thing as Lone Ranger Christianity!
Especially in a season of parenthood with young children (which itself can tend to be isolating and lonely) involvement in another believer’s life can refreshingly lift our gaze from the mundane tasks of the day to the bigger reality of what the Lord is doing to make a people for himself.
What do young parents have to offer to younger believers?
Because stay-at-home parents get the privilege of serving little ones day in and day out, often with little self-initiated appreciation, we get the opportunity to live out the gospel before watching eyes. As Christ came not to be served but to serve (Matthew 20:28), our dying to self to serve our children displays Christlikeness. As believers we are all being made more and more into the image of Christ by the grace of God.
Parenthood in the young years lends a unique crucible into which our selfish natures are refined to be more holy. That should be shared with others!
In the area of biblical womanhood, the "younger me" would have benefited hugely from a true picture of what young motherhood looked like. I loved children and wanted a family. But I think a realistic idea of the work involved in raising children and keeping the home would have informed some of the choices I made. I had an inflated view of what I could accomplish in my waking hours. I thought I could be a doctor, a pastor’s wife, and mom-extraordinaire all-in-one.
I spent a great deal of time shadowing doctors, but I didn’t initiate much to spend time with a mom. I think if I had, her life would have offered much wisdom to me as I considered what kind of degree I achieved, what career I pursued, or how much I financially invested in my education. Seeing a real-life picture of biblical womanhood and having realistic role models would have challenged my proud thoughts of being able to do all and have all and be all.
Discipleship should be happening in all seasons of life: dating, beginning a marriage, parenting young children, parenting teenagers, growing old, retiring. Each season brings its own freedoms and limitations. Because of the unique needs of young motherhood, discipleship will probably not look like formally sitting down with a younger woman and digging into the depths of Scripture for hours.
More likely this discipleship will happen in intentional conversations and pictures of gospel application facilitated by opportunities to correct children or pick up toys. You can pray for one another and lift each other before the Lord even with your two-year old wiggling in your lap. Being a young parent is not an excuse to not disciple younger believers, it is a reason to do so.
What are some reasons we don’t disciple as young parents? How does the gospel challenge these objections?
Objection #1: I don’t have the time or energy. Discipling younger believers is not convenient.
The other day I was trying to figure out how to make something. And my son said to me, “Just use your computer and search for it.” Ta-da. Instant information with the push of a button. No need go to the library to find a book or call an expert for advice. All I had to do was push a button.
We live in a culture of convenience. Things come easily and often instantly. In some ways, this ease of life cuts against the very grain of Christianity, which calls us to deny ourselves and live for Someone greater.
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1-2
Christ loved sinners to the point of death on a cross! If we have received that sacrifice, how can we not also sacrifice to love others by investing in their lives? If we are in Christ how can we not also be energized by his strength?
Christ has redeemed that young believer in your church. He means to sanctify us all and make us more like Christ.
If our lives can be used by God in his work of sanctification, we would be wise to consider whether this objection of inconvenience and lack of energy is legitimate or not.
It’s true: life only gets busier with children.
As young parents, we are responsible to train up our children in the fear of the Lord, and they should be one of our main priorities. It does require much of our best time and energy. But are we making the best use of the time because the days are evil (Ephesians 5:16)?
If I examine my own life truthfully, I admit that I find myself checking email or browsing Facebook more than necessary. That’s just one example of how I waste time. Sometimes I want to selfishly get away from my kids for a moment. Sometimes it’s to legitimately relax or do work.
But for all those times where I am wasting my time, how much more fruitful would it be to read a good book, a gospel-centered article, or meditate on some truth of Scripture? How much more fruitful would it be if I gathered those wasted minutes and do that with another believer? The truth is that I am lazy and selfish. I want to do what is easy. And it is pathetically easier for me to be temporarily satisfied knowing the latest status of all my friends, rather than in thinking about how I might access grace through the powerful Word or thinking about how I might benefit another spiritually.
Nothing about Christ dying on the cross was convenient for him.
It wasn’t an easy task that took no effort. Likewise, we shouldn’t expect imitating Christ to be easy. He suffered and gave his life for His people. Why should we expect to do any less?
As we look forward to the privilege of being God’s instruments for sanctification in the lives of other believers, we should embrace the price associated with it and rejoice in Jesus’ provision of everything we need.
Objection #2: I’m not one to be emulated. My children aren’t obedient enough. I’m not fill-in-the-blank enough.
It’s true. I’m not. They’re not. And I’ll never be. But praise God that we “can boast all the more gladly of [our] weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon [us]” (2 Corinthians 12:9). To disciple a young believer doesn’t mean you have to be the perfect parent and your children have to be perfect.
As one author put it:
I love my fellow-Christians not simply because of the gospel, but I love them best when I am loving them with the gospel! And I do this not merely by speaking gospel words to them, but also by living before them and generously relating to them in a gospel manner. Imparting my life to them in this way, I thereby contribute to their experience of the power, the Spirit, and the full assurance of the gospel. - Milton Vincent, A Gospel Primer for Christians, page 22
When I invite a young woman into my life and she sees my failings and my sin, I have the opportunity to show what kind of people Christ came to die for: sinful, blemished people.
I have the occasion to communicate that apart from Christ’s gracious work in my life I would be a much meaner, more selfish mom. I can show this younger woman how to rejoice in the fact that Christ came to heal the sick and needy, not the healthy and perfect.
I also have the gospel reapplied to me when I realize that my example may actually benefit the younger woman by showing them what NOT to do or be. Ouch! What a humbling reality! As my pride balks at this idea I am made aware of my need for even more grace!
Yet I can rejoice as even my insufficiencies are helping this younger believer know Christ more and grow in him. I can thank God for the opportunity to know my own limitations and boast in Christ! As I seize the sufficiency of Christ for my motherhood on any day– smoothly-running or Twilight Zone– this younger believer gets to experience a dose of reality.
Objection #3: My children are my priority. I can’t divide my time.
Precisely because they are learning about life by watching, don’t we want our children to see us caring for and investing in other people? We want them to know that our relationship with our spouse is a priority because God prioritizes marriage in his Word.
Likewise, when I have a younger lady into my home – when my children see us discussing a book, opening Scripture or praying together or talking about Jesus while we cut veggies - what a marvelous opportunity it is to show them that the body of Christ is intimately involved in each other’s life.
This is another priority God places on the church: the fellowship of believers. My children get to learn that Mommy talks to lots of people about Jesus. She talks to me and she talks to Auntie Jessica. And Auntie Kate. Lord willing, in their minds, it is a normal and important thing for Jesus to be a part of every day conversations. It is a normal and important thing for people from church to be coming to their home and involved in Mommy’s life.
My bubble-loving two-year-old has surprised me on more than one occasion. As I get ready to pray with a lady, I will ask the kids to play quietly so we can pray. More than once, she has toddled over to me and said, “I pay too.” And she’ll climb up in my lap and ceremonially cover her eyes, sit still, and wait quietly while we pray.
Our children are watching and learning more than we know. Modeling discipleship to your children in this way is not forsaking them as your priority.
Father God, I pray You would use these moments to show my children the implications of the gospel lived out. I pray that my kids will catch a vision for how following Christ involves my giving my attention to other people for the sake of gospel growth. I pray they will see the body of Christ building itself up in love (Ephesians 4:16).
Wisdom in all things
There is no doubt that young parenthood is a tiring, if not exhausting, season of life. We need God’s wisdom to decide how to spend our waking moments.
And sometimes wisdom requires us to say “No” to an extra relationship at this time. But let us also not excuse ourselves from ministering to the saints because of the busyness of this season. Let us rather run this race with others and rejoice that we can fall into bed exhausted each night because we have given ourselves for others, emulating our Savior in how he has given himself for us.
Kids in the Family of God - Part One
(Editor’s Note: This is the first part of a three part series entitled Kids in the Family of God. Here is Part Two and Part Three.) Kids Can Serve Others - Even if They Don't Fully "Get It"
Yesterday, about 80 folks from The City Church and the Fort Worth community banded together in three locations for a tri-annual “SERVE” day. For all involved, it’s a day of giving back, serving others, and “seeking the welfare of our city.” For those involved who follow Jesus, it’s reflecting the idea that “the son of man came to serve, not to be served,” and is a physical reflection of the restoring work God has done in our hearts.
Among the folks at each SERVE site were many kids: as young as 18 months; as “old” as 4th grade. Amidst the painting, cleaning, planting, constructing, chopping, fixing, and other –ing’s, we had wondered what to do with our kids. To be fair, one site did have childcare for the youngest of the young: one of the practical realities is that the best place kids under 18 months or so, is in a specific environment where they can play and have fun together, while freeing up their parents to SERVE.
Honestly, we didn’t know how this would work: we brought balls and frisbees; we wondered if every site would need designated “childcare.” We also wondered if we’d only be able to simulate serving for our kids: we brought tiny plastic shovels and rakes and watering cans, in case we needed to make a spot for the kids to go plant flowers, or dig a garden, or something specific, but “less real” than the tasks at hand. But we didn’t need the toys or distractions. From much younger than we thought, our kids got involved, and every site had activities that enabled them to actually participate in serving others!
Kids picked up branches that had been cut.
Kids planted flowers, and loved getting dirty as they made the flowerbeds.
Kids got supplies for grown-up’s – they’re great little “runners.”
Kids helped paint. Yes, we went back and painted over it, and yes a few had to be deep-cleaned afterward. But they got to be actively involved in the colors that went on the ground or the walls, depending on the site.
Kids chalked an outline of the world – this was my favorite element to see: at one of our sites, we painted both global and US maps on the playground of an impoverished school. After we taped the template to the concrete, we had to chalk the outline of each country/state (see below for final product). Guess who did nearly all the chalking? Our 18-month-old through nine-year-old SERVE participants!
And more: kids were involved, on some level, with nearly every activity that we did yesterday.
And along the way, parents and other grown-up’s would ask our kids why we were doing what we were doing. We would pray with our kids, and would pray together for the kids at the school we were serving. We would remind them that we’re serving because Jesus first served us; we bless others because Jesus first blessed us. And while there’s no way that some were old enough to “get it,” others did. Maybe for the first time, kids got to actually participate in “the reconciliation of all things” – not just with their heads or hearts, but with their dirty, paint-covered little hands.
Bottom line, three concepts stood out:
- Kids can serve, from a much younger age than we expect: they’re part of the family; they’re part of the family activity. This is a truth that we’ve affirmed as a church for months – but SERVE tested our functional belief and practice of that concept. My kid surprised me. But as I washed her chalk-covered face (and maybe mouth?!), I thanked God for the chance he gave her, and prayed that one day she would fully understand why we did what we did.
- Kids can serve, in nearly any project: we simply need to be intentional about creating space for it, and putting aside our over-protection and over-efficiency and actually letting them participate. They might get a little cut, or soil a shirt, and it might take a bit more work or “fixes” on our part – but those minor inconveniences fade in comparison to the chance to hands-on teach our kids about serving others.
- Kids can serve, even if they don’t fully get what’s going on: older kids at our SERVE sites understood that we were blessing folks who didn’t have as much as we did. I want them to “get” that! They grasped the fact that Jesus restores our hearts, and reconciles the world, and so we display that in any way we can. I want them to “get” that! On the other hand, my 20-month-old had no idea what she was doing. But as we continue to invest in the school where she chalked a map, we can take her to the playground one day and let her know that, even before she knew it, she was serving and blessing others. I want her to “get,” and God willing, one day she will.
Kids in the Family of God
One of the biggest questions in the broader “missional communities” conversation is how to engage kids well. The City Church has been working out this concept for over two years, and certainly don’t have everything figured out. But there are a few things that have become clear over these years that seem to be worth sharing, as we raise kids in the family of God.
Kids in the Church Gathering
“They’re distracting.” “It’s over their head.” “He can’t sit still for that long.” “She doesn’t know what that word means.”
These are among the tons of reasons for not involving kids in the gathering of God’s people. Some excuses are legitimate; some are logical. Others aren’t. But as The City Church has played out the idea of kids being involved in the family of God for the past two years, one of the most valuable lessons we’ve learned is that while it might be a little less convenient for parents at times, the opportunity to involve our kids in the all-church gathering, from as early an age as logical, far outweighs adults' desire to be comfortable.
Here’s what one mom posted last month, after sitting next to her daughter on a typical Sunday morning:
Daughter: Mama the weeds are getting really tall in (our elderly neighbor's) yard. Me: Yep, they are. Daughter: We're supposed to be on the lookout for brokenness, right? Me: Yes, we are. Do you think those weeds represent brokenness? Daughter: Yeah. Me: What should we do when we find brokenness in the world? Daughter: Try to help. Maybe we should go over and pull those weeds for them. Me: Maybe we should So grateful for kids joining us in worship on Sunday AM. We haven't said a word to her about what's been discussed...this is all from listening while coloring during the sermon.
This is from a first-grader, from a sermon on Leviticus! If she can get that conversation, from that text, surely we see one example of not giving our kids enough credit, in assuming our teaching is too far “above them”!
Here's the point: children can understand the gospel - and many deep concepts - from a much younger age than we give them credit for.
Keeping children with adults is not a new concept. “Sunday School” and age-level ministry only became the norm in the 1950’s. For the first 1900+ years of the Christian faith, the church was one body, one family. And throughout the Bible, children are always present in the gathering of God’s people. 1 John, Ephesians, and Colossians all contain exhortations directly to children, alongside adults. And in Deuteronomy 31, "little ones" are specifically mentioned and were expected to participate in readings of the Hebrew Law - the same is seen in Psalms, Joshua, the Old Testament Prophets, and beyond. And of course in Mark 10, Jesus' famous words instructed his disciples to involve children in the ministry that was happening, despite their disruption and 'inconvenience.'
Did the kids “get” all of what was going on? Did they understand every nuance? Could they carry out everything to the extent that adults could? In the Bible and in most of history, probably not. But in both history and in our own corporate experience, the common experience of a gathering gives parents a shared basis, unified teaching, and common language for discipling their kids.
The most common image of the church in the New Testament is one of “family” – so in our church, our gatherings reflect a large gathering of an extended family, as parents, students, and children older than preschool gather together. We all celebrate God through singing and creed; as we celebrate God’s word through preaching and reading scripture; as we celebrate Jesus through giving and receiving communion; as we celebrate God’s work as we share stories of grace in our lives and our cities.
Bottom line, we aim for a "well-balanced" approach, but as a principle, we believe children should join the gathering of God’s people at as young as is logical:
- Parents carry out biblical training of their children by modeling behavior with them. Research provides a glimpse into post-high-school church dropout rates, at least partially based on the transition from the high-energy kid and student experience to “big church.” But if that’s the “church gathering experience” from much younger, we can help turn this trend around. In the all-church gathering, kids get to see dad praying, mom singing, the community of believers sharing faith, scripture, and communion together. I'll go into this more later, but the Bible is clear: parents are the primary disciples of your kids. Parents don’t just “tell their kids about God and church”; they model for their kids; they lead their kids; they participate with their kids. They experience gathered worship together: this picture of “the church coming together” will be normative for the rest of their lives.
- We do create a separate space for kids younger than kindergarten – but only for part of the gathering time. We include children from as early an age as logical. We do consider the fact that at their youngest age, kids can’t/won’t pick up on the elements we try to teach and model in our gathering. And for those families, one of the greatest ways to bless parents is to think of KidCity like the "kids table" at your family’s Thanksgiving meal: youngsters sit there for the meal but otherwise engage with the rest of the family. So newborns through kindergarteners start the gathering in KidCity, which is by volunteers from a different missional community each week, who lead kids in stories and activities. Kids remain there until after the sermon each week, so parents and older kids can engage well. But even these youngest folks in the church family are brought in for closing songs, communion, giving, and announcements. These are sometimes carried out in competition with crying babies, but it’s worth it so that children’s earliest memories include the meaningful activity of the gathered church family.
- It takes intentionality to engage children in the gathering, but it’s biblical and worth it. For full disclosure, there are some weeks where the biblical concept would be inappropriate for elementary kids, so we warn parents ahead of time, and like a “grown-up conversation” in actual families, we occasionally excuse kids from those gatherings to a different room. But most weeks, we go out of our way to make sure kids can engage: we provide activity sheets for children, which some parents use and which others don’t. The sheets help kids bring kids into the different activities of the gathering, with instructions like "Stand and sing when everyone else does: sing loud and have fun as we worship God!" and "During the sermon, draw a picture of something you hear." Whichever pastor-elder preaches does our best to include a kid-level story, or ask a question to kids, or at least include kids in the examples we give as we teach biblical truths to our church family.
Kids in the Community Meeting
“What do we do with the kids?!”
This is the single most-asked question in the world of missional communities. It’s asked at every conference I’ve been to, whether speaking or attending. Every pastor I know who leads a church in this structure, and every parent I know who seeks to live this lifestyle, wants to know the answer.
I don’t think there’s one magic bullet practice. But I do think there’s one vital principle to follow, when considering kids in the community meeting:
Kids are part of the family.
If Jesus hasn’t saved them yet, they’re like every other not-yet-believer in your community. If Jesus has saved them, then they’re likely not much different from the believer who Paul “fed…with milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it…” (1 Corinthians 3:2) – their “milk” might just look a little different from an adult who isn’t mature in their faith. But very simply, both need a little extra attention; both need a little extra consideration; both need a little extra unconditional love and understanding. But since they’re part of your family, you don’t reject, ignore, or push aside the less-mature adult – why would you do the same for the less-mature child?
Having children involved in most of our community’s activity has produced great fruit for our communities.
First, it battles idols like comfort and convenience. Would it be easier, less messy, and more efficient, to have adults-only discussion, dinner, or service? Yes. And we love things to be easier, less messy, and more efficient – if we’re honest, most of us would even like our faith to be that way. But God uses kids’ involvement as a practical display the real messiness of living in relationship with him. Kids break down idols, and God has used them to grow folks in patience and service.
Second, as Jesus himself said, “out of the mouth of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise” and “I thank you, Father… that you have hidden these things form the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children” (Matthew 21:16; 11:25). To realize kids’ joy, to see them relate to parents and other “grown-ups,” to watch them grow, learn, and share, and even to hear their comments, questions, and take on faith has taught our adults, in a few directions: at times it’s reminded us of the simplicity of faith, which many of us have lost. Sometimes it challenges our own faith, as we have to take a few minutes (or days) and find answers to questions they ask. These are just a few examples; there are literally dozens of things our kids have taught us.
Third, it places value on kids’ faith, and shows them that their relationship with God and community is just as real, growing, and vital as their parents’ is. To engage a child’s question, to have someone close to them who isn’t their parent validate their struggle and speak gospel truth into it, and to see adults listen to and engage their own opinion are a few of the most encouraging ways adults can come alongside parents in encouraging kids’ growth. It’s difficult to be challenged by a child, and humbling to be rebuked – biblically! – by a teenager. But engaging them in conversation emboldens their faith and encourages their growth.
Fourth, it’s a massive blessing to parents, to have godly counsel and help! The African proverb is dead-on: “It takes a Village to raise a child.” On many levels, your own child “has to” listen to you. But as your community lives life together, kids learn to respect, obey, do life with, and bless other adults. Other adults help you see patterns in your kids or in your parenting that you don’t. They give you advice on situations you don’t know how to deal with. They practically help by watching your kid for a last-minute date night or emergency. They bolster, exhort, encourage, or challenge your decisions and discipline. This isn’t always easy – and if I’m honest, it’s not always fun. But these things and more will push you and your child toward God. Raising a child in community allows others to speak into your kids, and to come alongside you in raising them.
Finally, kids in community provide practical discipleship for those who don’t yet have ‘em! Parents-to-be, newly-weds, and even college-aged men – many of whom had no idea what to do with children of any age – are now miles ahead when God blesses them with their own kids, because they’ve learned how to interact with, lead, get a laugh from – and even change diapers, and discipline! – the kids in our missional community. This provides much laughter for the rest of us, and has provided a mess or two as well. But on a deeper level, they’re being discipled in what it means to be a parent, or a parent of “the next age,” through hands-on practice instead of a parenting book or class. That’s life-on-life discipleship!
Bottom line, we see kids as part of the family, so we engage them in as much of the community’s activity as is logical.
While this varies a bit by small group, here are some “best practices” we encourage leaders to develop, as we engage kids in community well:
- From about first grade up, kids should be involved in all the activity of the community. You may remember from the previous post of this series, this is the same age we bring kids into the Sunday gatherings of the church. So it makes sense that at this age, kids participate in the life of the community – with the obvious exceptions of things like wine nights, conversations on more risqué topics, events after bedtime, etc. But in serving, in biblical discussion, in prayer and requests, in giving, in loving neighbors, in dinners and hanging out, in mission, and in most everything else, we involve kids, age elementary and older, into everything that the rest of the community does. They understand, interact with, and have great thoughts on far more than we often give them credit for.
- We only separate kids younger than first grade for periods of actual discussion. Our communities see each other many times a month. But in the times they meet to discuss scripture or other deeper things, older kids stay involved, but we do send babies and preschoolers into another room. But it’s just for that period of the meeting: we eat together, we pray together, we talk about life together, we plan mission and activities together. So in reality, youngsters are only separate for 30-45 minutes during those meetings. We find it best to simply rotate through the adults in the community, where one (or maybe two) at a time spend time with the kids. That way, it’s not always on the parents, and each adult is likely with the kids every six to 16 weeks. And in our community, we simply remind adults that every activity our Village does is worship: biblical discussion is no more godly than caring well for each others’ children. Leading kids in both playtime and spiritual conversation is a blessing and a service, on many levels.
- It takes intentionality to engage kids well, no matter what age they are.This is honestly why most folks don’t include kids in their communities: it takes time and effort in advance, and patience and flexibility in the moment.
- We intentionally engage kids in conversation – this is especially easy before and during our meals together: if we all share a glimpse of grace we saw that week, so do the kids. If we’re discussing our day, they jump in too. And so on.
- We intentionally engage kids in prayers and personal encouragement: they have real issues, struggles, fears, and concerns. It takes time, and it takes seeing others – and even seeing dad and mom – be honest about their imperfections, but eventually they’ll start sharing their own.
- For older kids who are involved in biblical discussion, leaders intentionally draw them out: “what do you think?” or “what would you do?,” followed by an affirming comment, does wonders to a kid’s spiritual thinking. At times, we’ll ask them to read the passage. And at times, we’ll ask them to comment on someone else’s issue: “what do you think [your mom’s friend] should do in that situation?”
- For younger kids, who aren’t involved in the discussion, we provide intentional activities: Every week, Nicole our KidCity Deacon, resources each missional community with a few simple but meaningful questions and an activity, song, story, etc, to assist the adult in engaging the children well during the community meeting.
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Ben Connelly lives in Fort Worth, TX, with his wife and daughter (with another on the way this fall). He started The City Church in 2010, which exists across the Fort Worth area as "a family of communities on mission, for the glory of God and the good of our cities," and lives on mission by teaching in the communications department at TCU. Ben sits on the board of a few city-focused organizations, equips folks in life, faith, and mission across the country, and writes at benconnelly.net. Twitter @connellyben
Raising Gospel Centered Children
When Jesus instructs us to go out and make disciples of all nations, that includes our children—our closest disciples. Of course, discipleship should not end in the home, but our families are our most naturally-authentic relationships. Everyday, the gospel compels us to ask: How are we discipling our children? More importantly, how should we be discipling them? There is a tendency (sometimes unknowingly) for parents to fall into child-centered discipleship. This could happen for many reasons, even from a well-meaning desire to see our children become Christians. However, what we may fail to grasp is that we should be applying the gospel daily even to the relationships with our children. They don't need something else; they need the same thing we all need—they need Jesus. If we stop to consider the motivations of our hearts—what is driving us as parents—we can gain important insight into the discipleship of our children. The driver behind gospel-centered discipleship is the glory of Christ. The driver behind child-centered discipleship is the glory of our children, and by extension, our own glory. In order to understand my own motives, I've learned to ask myself: Do I want my children to know God, to rest in the person and work of Christ, to have their many, many sins washed in the blood of the Lamb, and to eternally glorify Him? Or rather do I want my children to be “good,” to scrupulously avoid sin and follow biblical injunctions, to avoid bad consequences in this life? Obviously, these are not mutually exclusive, but where does Christ ask us to put our emphasis? My answers to these questions revealed some very selfish desires. I have lived with fear and anxiety over my children's sins, and I've come to realize what was in my heart. I was not offended by their sins for the sake of God's reputation, nor was I offended because sin is rebellion and an affront to the person of Christ himself. No, I feared sin in my children's lives because I cared more about all the earthly consequences of sin. For example, a little over eight years ago, I grabbed hold of Deuteronomy 6 and started rattling it like a sword in a battle cry for homeschooling. I had convinced myself that this was the only type of schooling capable of producing godly children. At the heart of my child-centered thinking, was the belief that I, as a parent—not Christ, as our Lord—must do everything to protect my children from the world and sin.
By pure grace, almost two years ago, I was convicted that I had valued my children's well-being more than I had valued Jesus. I trembled at the realization that the comfort and safety (even the spiritual safety) of my children, had become more important to me than the person of Christ. Their “godliness” was a higher priority in my own life than was Christ’s glory. For all my talk about holy living, I was unwilling to follow Abraham’s spiritual example. I had denied Christ’s call to forsake all else and follow Him. Instead, I had attempted to supplant the Holy Spirt, to save and sanctify my children by my good works. This is the sad truth of child-centered discipleship—at its core it is self-centered legalism, even rebellion.
Because we are our children's parents and earthly authority (while they are young) we can slip into the mindset that their salvation and sanctification depends on us. This slip then leads to mentoring and training that is child-centered. This is false. The Holy Spirit is responsible for conviction of sin and bringing people to salvation. That includes the little people in our homes. When we search out the Spirit, when we talk about Him and hold Him up before our children, we are modeling a life of Spirit-dependence for our children. This is training them to walk in step with the Sprit.
However, when we put our children, their needs (physical, spiritual or otherwise), their goals (or ours) before Christ, when we lead them without relying on the Spirit (by relying on ourselves to fulfill our children), we are being false teachers at worst and poor disciple-makers at best. It can't be all about them; it has to be all about Jesus. This is hard and can be a real blind spot for parents because we are instructed in Scriptures to bring up our children in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). But our wayward hearts can pervert even a verse like that by setting our efforts to secure our children's spiritual well being above all else. Make no mistake, our efforts are very important, but our efforts do not have power to save and transform. Nothing that we do will ever eclipse the power and grace of Jesus.
How do we set a good example of a disciple before the eyes of our children so they can emulate us? It's not just about making Jesus our priority. It's about showing our children that our identity is in Christ. From our identity in Christ, our identity as parents will naturally flow. Along with this we must model a life of reliance on the Holy Spirit. Our children need to hear us say: “I prayed for the Lord to fill you with his Holy Spirit today.” Or, “I prayed for the Spirit to give you wisdom when you met with your teacher.”
How can we get there? The Holy Spirit often prompts us to take a hard look at the things that excite us. Our children pick up on our excitement and our passions. If getting through today's installment from the church family worship book takes precedence over having compassion on a red-eyed child who is up past his or her bedtime, our children will begin to sense that checking off a box on our godly to-do list is more important than loving our neighbor.
D.A. Carson says this extraordinarily well in the context of the student/teacher relationship:
Recognize that students do not learn everything you teach them. They certainly do not learn everything I teach them! What do they learn? They learn what I am excited about; they learn what I emphasize, what I return to again and again; they learn what organizes the rest of my thoughts. So if I happily presuppose the gospel but rarely articulate it and am never excited about it, while effervescing frequently about, say, ecclesiology or textual criticism, my students may conclude that the most important thing to me is ecclesiology or textual criticism. They may pick up my assumption of the gospel; alternatively, they may even distance themselves from the gospel; but what they will almost certainly do is place at the center of their thought ecclesiology or textual criticism, thereby wittingly or unwittingly marginalizing the gospel.
My husband and I saw this same mistranslation happen with our children when we were not deliberate about the gospel. Even worse than merely de-emphasizing the gospel, we started realizing that our children had become judgmental little scoffers. Why? Because we were so busy comparing and contrasting our education, parenting, and worship style choices with those of other parents that we had marginalized the gospel before our kids. We were way more excited about high church liturgy, classical education, “courtship,” family worship times, you name it. We actually believed they were signs of spiritual maturity. The only problem was, we had neglected the one and only thing that could ever give our children and us the power and strength for real spiritual maturity—the gospel.
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Luma Simms (@lumasimms) is a wife and mother of five delightful children between the ages of 1 and 18. She studied physics and law before Christ led her to become a writer, blogger, and Bible study teacher. Her book Gospel Amnesia is forthcoming on GCD Press. She blogs regularly at Gospel Grace.
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For more resources on family worship check-out Winfield Bevin's A Beginner's Guide to Family Worship.
Over-Parenting Vs. Missional Parenting
Over-Parenting Okay, I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m an overprotective parent. I have a tendency to overdo it and obsess over the little things that don’t really matter. I guess that’s why I was intrigued by TIME magazine’s cover story a couple of years ago, "The Case Against Over-Parenting: Why Mom and Dad Need to Cut the Strings."
Nancy Gibbs begins her article with these provocative words: "The insanity crept up on us slowly: we just wanted the best for our kids."
Ironically, a good desire has led many parents to become obsessed with their kids’ safety and success. Gibbs calls them “helicopter parents” as they hover over their children’s lives from the classroom to the ball field protecting them and pushing them to succeed.
The result? By worrying about the wrong things, Gibbs says, “we do actual damage to our children, raising them to be anxious and unadventurous.” (Pediatricians have also found that this hurried lifestyle of constant pressure and stress can contribute to health problems like childhood obesity and depression).
So what’s the solution? Well, if the problem was simply hovering over our children’s lives, the solution would be to simply back off and lighten up. And there’s some truth to that! But the problem goes much deeper.
The problem is that we are afraid. If our greatest aim as parents is to protect our children and prepare them to receive some kind of academic or athletic recognition, than most likely we are parenting out of fear. Why? Because deep down we’re scared if they don’t succeed. We feel like we’ve failed as parents. So we work hard to prepare our children to make the grade or make the team so we would look good. It’s like our children are little trophies that we, as Paul Tripp says, “secretly want to display on the mantels of our lives as visible testimonies to a job well done” (Age of Opportunity, p.35).
If we were honest, we would admit that much of our parenting is motivated by fear. That’s what keeps us from lightening up and letting go of the reins. And what’s more, as Christians we spend so much time protecting our children from the world that we fail to prepare them to make a difference in this world. Biblical parenting, however, pictures parents as courageous warriors getting ready to release their children into battle. Psalm 127:4 says:
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior so are the children of one’s youth.
Arrows were made to fly. They can’t sit safely in the quiver or rest on the bow forever. They must be released! That’s what our preparation is ultimately for–to release our children into this world equipped with the gospel of Jesus Christ to serve people for the glory of Christ.
So lighten up all you helicopter parents! (me included). Let go of the reins. Parent your children as God parents you. Protect them, yes. But all the while prepare them … so you can release them … to fly into the battle with the glory of the gospel.
Missional Parenting
Much of our parenting is motivated by fear. Consequently, we’re more concerned with protecting our children from the world than preparing them to make a difference in this world. Gospel-centered, missional parenting is much different. It pictures parents as courageous warriors getting ready to release their children into battle. Psalm 127:4 says,
I see missional parenting happening in 3 stages. Of course these stages are fairly fluid with some overlap to be expected.
Gregg Harris says that in the time Psalm 127 was written, there were no arrow factories. Consequently, it took time for each arrow to be crafted with care and precision. The arrow had to have a good sharp tip on one end–that might deal with academic training and biblical instruction; and it had to have a good set of the fletching on the other end–which might apply to discipline. This would provide the arrow with a guidance system. So as parents, we must see ourselves as warriors shaping our young children during their formative years with doctrine and discipline driven by the gospel.
As children grow and mature we must give them opportunities to see the sinful reality of the world around them. Under our guidance and supervision we must expose our children to fallen creation and the crying need for restoration. Instead of an “us vs. them” mentality, we must teach our children to see and serve our culture through the lens of the gospel. We could picture this stage as the arrow being pulled out of the quiver and onto the bow.
Arrows were made to fly. They can’t sit in the quiver or rest on the bow forever. They must be released! Yet the point of release is often the most difficult time in parenting. As Gregg Harris says:
When you aim the arrow and release the arrow, beware–the greatest tension in your relationship with your children will often be just before you release them. Because it feels to the arrow like it’s going backwards when it wants to go forward. The tension is building in the bow, the warrior is aiming, and then there’s the release. From that point on, the guidance system that is in the arrow itself is what keeps it on track.
There comes a time when we must release our children into the battle. This is the purpose of the arrow as well as the purpose of parenting. We cannot be scared of this sinful world. Indeed, this is the world Jesus entered into and told us, “As the Father sent me, so I send you” (John 17:18). So let us follow our Savior with the attitude of a warrior as we prepare our children for the battle.
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Doug Wolter served for eight years as family pastor at LaGrange Baptist Church in Kentucky. He is now senior pastor at Oak Hill Baptist Church in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an amazing wife and three incredible kids who continue to humble him and fill him with joy. He enjoys drinking coffee, reading, exercising, and blogging at life2getherblog.com.