Supporting a Loved One Through Anxiety and Depression

It started with a simple question: “Do you think this is just because I ate that spicy burrito?” Andrea’s stomach pains started as a mild annoyance but had continued to get worse over the last two hours. She couldn’t seem to focus on the project she and John needed to finish at work. “I mean I’ve had this before, but it wasn’t this bad.” It was Friday afternoon, and Andrea had a public speaking event scheduled for Monday morning. Many hours stretched between now and then. But the thought of being in such discomfort while trying to educate a large group of people troubled her. She could work for chunks of fifteen to twenty minutes at a time but frequently needed to check in with her stomach and verbally express her fear. 

Of course, John felt terrible for her. This wasn’t the norm for Andrea. She was distracted and panicked. He knew Andrea struggled with anxiety but hadn’t seen her in a stretch this severe before. Of course, John had experienced anxiety. He often felt anxious about his work, his children, money, and a variety of other things every day. But his anxiety level was low enough that it didn’t interrupt his concentration or ability to function. He wanted to help Andrea but wasn’t sure how. 

Empathy goes a long way

“I’m so sorry; it seems like you’re struggling,” John said gently as Andrea repeated her worry about her Monday speech. He hadn’t wanted to say anything at first, but it was becoming harder to ignore her behavior. His statement was a kind word spoken by someone she’d worked with for years, so it felt good. Instead of moving away, he moved toward her pain. Suddenly she wasn’t alone with her anxious thoughts. She felt seen, though surprised her anxiety was so obvious. 

Those who struggle with anxiety and depression can feel like they’re at war with their own bodies and minds. They’re often trying to hide their struggle from others while managing multiple uncomfortable symptoms, feeling shame that they can’t just get over it or talk themselves out of it. Moving toward their pain and offering compassion allows them a small break from feeling like they need to hide this from others so as not to become a burden. Offering a small, empathetic word or phrase can be a lifeline of comfort. Suddenly they know someone else is there with them. They aren’t crazy. What they’re experiencing is real, and the struggle is valid. 

Think about how Jesus so often offered compassion as he moved toward hurting people in love. When he encountered the widow who had just lost her son in the town of Nain, his interactions with her were all initiated by him and were motivated by immense compassion. “And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, ‘Do not weep’” (Luke 7:13). Jesus walked for miles to reach those in need with the gospel and his healing hand, but his actions were always clothed in compassion. “And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd (Matt. 9:35–36). Jesus’s response to our pain is to enter into it. In his incarnation, he moved toward us in love and empathy. John 1:14 reads, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us . . .” When we move toward hurting people in kindness, we imitate Jesus.

Familiar but not the same

The familiarity we all have with feelings of worry and sadness is part of what makes anxiety and depression tricky. If you’re a human on this earth that’s been affected by sin, you’ve probably experienced anxiety or depression at some point. But no two people suffer in the exact same way. And while one person’s anxiety or depression is diagnosis-worthy because of its intensity and length, another’s is not. Each of these diagnoses comes with different symptoms that can show up in different ways in different people. For example, one person who lives through a bout of anxiety may feel a tightness in their chest, a dull ringing in their ears, and have trouble slowing down their thoughts. Another may have panic attacks. Still another may develop diarrhea or heartburn. 

Though most of us want to immediately tell the person we’re attempting to comfort that we’ve been there and understand, the truth is, we actually don’t. We’ve never had their panic attack or chest pain. We’ve never lived in their brain as thoughts race and spin. It’s not as if you should never tell them that you can relate on some level. But you don’t want to lead with your own similar experience when you’re trying to care for them. Instead of reassuring them you know what they’re feeling, the best way to help is to ask. Here are some helpful questions to get a clearer picture of what they’re feeling:

“What’s on your mind today? What’s weighing on you lately?” If they begin telling you about something hard, you can ask them: “How are you feeling about all of this?” or “What thought keeps going through your mind when you think about this situation?”

“What’s your fear about this situation?” or “Where do you feel God is in all of this?” Whatever kind of answer they give, validation is key. “Wow, that sounds hard” or “That makes a lot of sense” are ways to express kindness and love. These questions will help you learn more about what they are feeling, not just what you assume they’re feeling.

Think again of Jesus and his ministry. He had come to save the world. But while his interactions were sometimes with crowds, they were often one-on-one with specific hurting people. He stopped on the road to Jericho and asked a blind man what he wanted (Luke 18:35–43). He engaged with the heart of the sinful woman at Simon’s house as she washed his feet (Luke 7:36–50). He invited himself to dinner with Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1–10). Jesus pursued individuals individually, learning their stories and engaging with each of their hearts. He showed them each dignity as he looked into their faces and listened. We do the same when we dignify our brothers and sisters by learning more of their experience and stories, being curious and patient to listen as they answer.

Get your hands dirty

Sometimes the basic tasks of life are overwhelming for those struggling with anxiety or depression. Offer to do some for them. Don’t ask, “Are there any tasks I can help with?” They may not even be able to think clearly enough to give you an answer. Instead, offer to do specific things you know you can handle for them. “I’d love to take your dirty laundry and return it clean and folded. What day could I pick it up?” or “I’d like to drive your kids to baseball practice on Friday. What time should I be at your house to do that?” There are so many tasks we all do every day. Take one off their hands. Drive them to the psychiatrist’s office if they don’t like going alone or if they’re scared to go the first time. Go for a walk with them if movement feels good. 

If ever there was one willing to get his hands dirty, it was our Lord. He literally got his hands dirty when he spit into the dirt and made mud to heal the blind man (John 9:6). But there were so many other ways he “dirtied himself.” He made himself ceremonially unclean when he touched the bier of the dead boy in Luke 7, though his holiness overturned death for the young man, making him clean again. He lived in the poverty of his parents which would have included uncomfortable lodgings, hunger, and hard work. They were so poor that they could only afford the offering of a pair of turtledoves or two young pigeons (Luke 2:24 and Lev. 12:8), the lowest cost option for a sacrifice. We love like Jesus when we enter into the hard, mundane, or lowly tasks of the life of a suffering loved one.

You both might need a team

Depending on the severity of your loved one’s anxiety or depression, you may need extra help. Pay attention to yourself as you care for them. Are you able to maintain your responsibilities in other areas while you support them? Do you need to make time to talk to a friend, pastor, or counselor to process what has been hard about this situation for you? If you do, it doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means that like every other situation in your life, you need community and support. Your presence is extremely important in your loved one’s life. And you’re a finite human with limits. Check in with yourself every few days. Be willing to get the support you need as you care for this loved one and yourself. God didn’t just give you to this loved one who’s suffering; he gave the good gift of the body of Christ, full of different gifts and experiences.

You don’t have to be a trained counselor to be extremely helpful to someone who is struggling. Your compassion, check-ins, and even the fact that you notice their struggles are all helpful and dignifying to the sufferer. Support can look like listening well, asking good questions, taking on tasks, or helping them find more help. One of the most impactful ways they may feel the love and compassion they desperately need from God is through your words and tone, hands and gentleness. Move through the awkwardness toward their pain, knowing that you are showing them the tangible love of Christ in this season.