When a Pastor’s Wife Doesn’t Want to Go to Church
Several years ago, I contracted a sickness that required me to quarantine. This meant missing church for two Sundays in a row. I admit, the thought was exciting to me.
Two Sundays in a row where I could sit on my sofa, stay in my pajamas, and watch the livestream of my church’s service. Two Sundays in a row when I didn’t have to single-handedly get four children dressed, fed, and hustled out the door and come early, stay late, and feel on-display throughout the morning. Two glorious Sundays when I could be all by myself, unseen and unknown.
The idea was delightful. It was so delightful, in fact, that I began to be concerned. My simultaneous delight and concern got me thinking. What happens when the pastor’s wife doesn’t want to go to church? And what do I do when that pastor’s wife is me?
These questions guided me to three habits that I now seek to cultivate in my life when the delights of neglecting church seem to outweigh the delights of attending church.
Remember What Church Is All About. I often need to remind myself that church is not about me, nor is it about my husband—it’s about God. This is something I’ll readily admit without a second thought, and you will probably admit the same. But consider a scrutinizingly honest heart check: Who and what do you depend on for your church’s success? Do you feel pressure to be in church so that things don’t fall apart and people aren’t disappointed in you? Have you unwittingly made the church gathering all about you, even if it’s only in your mind? These are tough questions for the pastor’s wife to consider, as this is an easy pattern of wrong thinking to fall into. But one truth that helps me out of this faulty thinking is to remember that Jesus promises to build his church (Matt. 16:18). It is his masterful building project that has been in progress for thousands of years all across the globe, and it will continue until Christ returns. I am just one member of my small local church, which is just one of the many bodies that God is building all over the world. Zoom out, and you’ll see that God is the founder and finisher of it all (Phil. 1:6; Heb. 12:1–3).
I also have to remember that church is not about keeping up outward appearances. It’s about admitting the truth. Church of all places should be where we can admit the truth to and about one another. We are sinners who deserved hell (Rom. 6:23); the only reason we aren’t getting what we deserve is because of the incredible grace and mercy of God (Eph. 2:4–6). That’s a huge reason for joy!
Yet we all know that life is hard and full of trouble. Some Sundays I am overwhelmed by the greatness and mercy of God; other Sundays I’m annoyed because my children are fighting during the song service. But church isn’t a place where I’m making a public appearance. It’s a place where I get to gather with my fellow brothers and sisters in faith who are different from me in many ways but just like me in the most important way—a grace-saved sinner.
Pray to the One Who Knows. Every time I seek God through his Word and prayer, he convicts my heart and corrects my thinking. Each time he shows me where I’m making church about me instead of him, or focusing on negative things instead of the many good works he is doing through people all around me. His Word is sharp to cut through my excuses and reveal the true motives of my heart. Though conviction isn’t comfortable, it is a sign of God’s steadfast love for me. He’s my Father, and I’m his girl; his correction is for my flourishing (Heb. 12:7–11)!
God’s Word also meets me in my heartaches about church. God knows you and he knows your struggles. He is not surprised by them, but you may be surprised how much he cares for you in them (1 Peter 5:7). And that is why you can be honest with him, asking him for the wisdom he promises to provide from his generous hand (James 1:5), and asking his Spirit to comfort and guide you into all truth as you seek to love the church as Jesus loves it (Eph. 5:25).
Be Faithful to God & His Church. When a pastor’s wife doesn’t want to go to church anymore, she must remember what church is all about and pour her heart out to God in prayer. But she must also remember that she needs the church. She needs the regular week-in, week-out rhythm of gathering to pray, sing, hear the Word preached, encourage fellow saints, and be encouraged by them.
Sometimes the pastor’s wife needs to be reminded that she’s neither the savior of the church nor an unnecessary part of the church. She’s a fellow member who needs the saving of Jesus just as much as the next person—whether that’s her husband, child, fellow member, or an unbeliever. This is one of the many wonderful things about gathering regularly with the church. It happens on days you feel like praising God, and on days you can only cry to him. Church is not just for the weeks you feel like a winner; it’s for the weeks you feel like an unending failure. This is the beauty of God’s church.
When one member suffers, all the members suffer with them; when one member rejoices, all the members rejoice with them (1 Cor. 12:26). Because whether we are suffering or rejoicing, whether we’re in leadership or a first-time visitor, we all need the same good news—Jesus is the Savior. I’m so glad he’s mine!