The Healing Power of Confessing Sins to One Another

I sat with her that Sunday morning, my dear mentor, with tears welling up in my eyes, heart pounding. She slipped her arm around me and whispered in my ear her guess of what was tormenting me. I nodded, relieved that she had verbalized the sin I wasn’t able to confess. And then she drew me close and began praying for me—and didn’t stop praying for me throughout the battle that followed.

From that initial moment, the shame of darkness was lifted. I was able to confide in a few other friends as well, and together the accountability—however painful—brought the relief of knowing I was not alone in this struggle.

Accountability is raw and real. There are things we don’t want to say out loud, but the naming of them brings cleansing. When we choose to be accountable, we let another person in, choosing to be vulnerable and releasing any pretense of perfection. This is good for our souls. In order to be fully known, we have to trust others with our stubborn sins and wandering love. And in so doing, our faith is built up stronger.

Therefore, we will explore two main reasons why we need to confess our sins to one another in the church. Because this process is vulnerable, we also need to keep a few guidelines in mind so that more believers may be set free from the power of secret sin.

Confessing Sins Helps to Avoid Shipwrecking Our Faith

Isolation and self-dependency will bring great ruin in a believer’s life. The tending of shame and guilt will result in storms of chaos if we don’t do something about it. But we’re afraid. Afraid of what people will think if we admit we fell prey to that sin—the sin we never thought we’d be capable of.

In 1 Corinthians 10:12–13, Paul warns us of this, though: “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

Our pride gets in the way of confessing seeds of sin in our hearts. We’re upstanding church members, Bible study leaders, and parents. How could we possibly have given in to that thought or secret habit? So we nod and smile in small group prayer times, asking for more patience and wisdom while skirting around the things we don’t want to admit.

But the more we convince ourselves that such a sin isn’t possible for us, the more we quietly give in to it, convincing ourselves it’s not that bad. And unfortunately, before too long, that sin will break forth into the open, causing scandal and more hurt than we could have dreamed of.

If we had only been honest with someone at the beginning, we could have sought help to fight that sin in its cloudy stages. We could have found counsel and not felt like we were drowning in a sea of darkness. 

Confessing Sins Helps the Gospel Shine Brighter

Several years ago, I listened to an interview with Mike Donehey, lead singer of the band Tenth Avenue North. He said that if we refuse to talk about some sins, we are not believing the gospel because those sins are the very ones Christ died to save us from. Those temptations are the ones his sacrifice gives us power to overcome.

This was life-changing for me. I had given in to the lie that there were some sins that were too “big” for believers—and believing that lie gave those temptations power over me. Yet Christ is more powerful. He’s canceled the debt of every sin through his atoning death and resurrection; therefore I don’t have to fear when temptation comes my way.

When I humble myself before fellow believers and confess where my heart has wandered to, grieving over my sin, I'm acknowledging that this is why I need a Savior. If I refuse to admit my guilt and try to solve it on my own, I'm saying I can be my own savior. But the gospel shines brighter when we acknowledge our need for it and put our trust in what Christ has done for us. And this gives hope to fellow strugglers to find relief from their secret shame.

How Can We Grow in This Practice?

Some may say that Christians should only confess their sins to God, since he’s the one who forgives and is ultimately the one we sinned against. Yet this isn’t what the Bible teaches. Some church traditions have taken confession to another person too far. But we read in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

We do need to confess our sins first to the Lord. But he also made us to walk in community with other believers, and part of that community is being open with one another about our sin struggles so we may have accountability and support to fight them.

Confessing sin is painful and vulnerable. We fear how others’ perception of us will change, and we also fear what they might do with that information. This is why all of us as a church must treat this process with the utmost care and humility.

I hesitate to speak up about my sin because it disgusts me. But when a patient shows up in the emergency room with a festering wound oozing blood, he needs a doctor who won’t flinch away from it or quickly put a bandage on it so it can’t be seen. He needs a doctor who calmly wades into the mess so he can bring full healing.

We need these kinds of doctors for our souls as well. The ones who look straight into the ugliness of our sin and patiently work through it with us so we can be healed. This is hard work. Bearing one another’s burdens is messy and anguishing. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I need my faithful people to walk beside me. And when we grow in vulnerability, it invites others to be vulnerable, too. Because I confessed my sin to a friend, she felt safe a year or so later to confess her sin to me, knowing I would not be put off by it. So how can we grow in this practice?

For those confessing, consider:

Find the right people. Some sins are not meant to be shared with the whole small group. Some are meant to be shared with one or two trusted people—mentors or friends who will walk by your side and pray with you. The mentor I mentioned earlier has been so gentle with me. I remember one time tearfully saying I didn’t want to disappoint God. She said, “He’s not disappointed with you. He loves you, and he’s giving you the strength to fight against this sin.” That’s the kind of person who you need on your side.

If you don’t have people like that in your life, find a Bible-believing church where you can start building those relationships. Seek out a biblical counseling ministry so that a counselor can walk you through your struggles. Pray that God might bring a friend or mentor like that into your life.

It might feel terrifying to admit your sin but remember that fear is a tactic of Satan. God is a God of light, not darkness. Bringing your sin into the light will bring healing; keeping it in the dark will only make it fester.

For those listening, consider:

Try not to act shocked when a sin is confessed to you. We may feel shocked to hear something we didn’t know about our friend, but our reactions could communicate unintended judgment that will push our friend away.

Extend grace and truth, praying for wisdom to know which one to communicate at which time. Wrap arms around your friend. Help him know he’s not alone. Weep and pray with her.

Share your own vulnerability, as appropriate, with this friend. Give examples of personal struggle and God’s faithfulness in it to help bring hope and encouragement.

Remind your friend of the gospel and that there is nothing so dark in their hearts that God can’t rescue them from it. We know this truth from the Bible, but it’s good to say it out loud.

Sometimes, in confessing our sins, we’ll find immediate freedom. Sometimes it will be an ongoing battle for which we’ll need to seek accountability. If we’ve confessed a sin once to a friend, ask them to keep checking in about it. If we’ve been the one confessed to, don’t be afraid to bring it up again.

In the end, God is the one who brings victory, and we can trust that “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). After about a year and a half battling my sin with prayer and Scripture, as well as taking my thoughts captive and talking it over with accountability partners, God released me from the bondage I had felt. I may still be tempted by it, but I no longer feel the oppressive hold it once had on me.

He’s never done working on you and me, friend. Even through the darkest nights of our souls. And when we whisper our confessions to one another, he uses the grace of his body to help bring us out of those dark nights. There is always the light of hope through the gospel and the church of Christ.