Obedience Over Sacrifice, Even in Motherhood

Over eight years ago, I gave birth to our first child. This month, I experienced a first in my years of motherhood—I kissed goodbye to all four of my children as they went off to school. One boarded the wheelchair lift and rose into the bus with a smile. One gathered around a gaggle of peers adorned with backpacks weighed down by lunch bags and water bottles. And two walked straight into the arms of a teacher, waiting to embrace them with a smile and a warm hug. I absorbed the crowd of emotions around me—a mom quickly turning so her son couldn’t see the tears puddling in her eyes and a dad waving excitedly through the big glass window. But how did I feel in this moment? 

The happy anticipation had been growing in our home for weeks. Backpacks of school supplies hung in the mudroom, and fresh first-day outfits were carefully selected. My youngest smiled every morning as  she tore a link from the paper chain that signaled it was almost “her turn”. But as I returned, alone, to my nine-passenger van this first-day morning, a swirl of emotions surprised me. A thick fog of confusion hovered. I had exactly two and a half hours of kid-free time. Is it okay to feel excited? Is it sin for me to feel a bit joyful? Am I being selfish? Should I lean into guilt or combat its mere presence? 

My mind took quick stock of friends  I used to meet at the park so our children could play. Many of these women are already weeks into homeschooling and toting children to co-op. They’re striving to provide and balance the educational needs within their household. Surely they’re not wrestling with how to steward any kid-free time. Are they making a more godly choice in their sacrifice? 

The sky was that shade of blue that must have named the crayon. The air felt a tad crispy. I decided to ditch my phone for an hour, leave the van parked in the lot, and walk the trail beside the school. I spent time talking to Jesus. I told him every thought that crossed my mind. I told him that I felt unsure of the proper response to having a little more time to myself. I asked him to help me use discernment and intentionality to enjoy, and not squander, this gift. I told him that even calling the time a “gift” brought a sense of guilt as I feared my children’s misinterpretation of these words. I laid it all before God’s feet, and I asked him to help me. I repented of any idols or lies that silently tightened their grip and displeased him. Though repentance is a turning of heart, I don’t believe that Godly repentance requires me to shift the entire structure of our home to ensure I don’t have a single free moment to myself. The Spirit, through reading the Word, illuminated a deeper question that went beyond my first-day reflections. It’s a question we should all ask: Am I walking in obedience to him?

A Call to Obedience

This week, we kicked off our fall women's Bible study. Our first assignment picked up in 1 Samuel as we continue our journey from last semester through the Old Testament. We were assigned to read the rise and fall of King Saul in 1 Samuel 8-15. It felt completely disconnected from my current circumstance. How could the story of a King who lived thousands of years ago help me now? I was not approaching the narrative seeking encouragement toward Godly decisions in my motherhood. But because his Word is living and active, even a verse that reads Samuel “…hacked Agag to pieces before the Lord” pierced my own soul. Earlier in the passage, God instructed King Saul to completely destroy the Amalekites and spare none. None. No man, woman, or child—and definitely no king. King Saul took matters into his own hands and determined that it would bring great honor to the Lord to spare King Agag and many of the choicest animals to present a great sacrifice. I wonder if Saul observed how other nations and Kings defined a holy sacrifice to their gods? I wonder if he played the same game of comparison? In his attempt to define what best pleased the Lord, he walked in direct disobedience to God’s command. Was the Lord pleased? Not at all! Saul’s disobedience angered the Lord greatly. We read in 1 Samuel 15:

“Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,

as in obeying the voice of the LORD?

Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,

and to listen than the fat of rams.

For rebellion is as the sin of divination,

and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry.” (1 Sam. 15:22-23a)

This call to obedience struck me. Was I, like Saul, tempted to define a holy sacrifice to the Lord while disobeying God’s direction for our family? The Lord desires obedience over sacrifice and labels disobedience as idolatry—the idolatry of self. He does not want a sacrifice of my time from a heart trying to earn grace. He delights in my obedience regardless of where he leads. When our medically complex daughter spends weeks in the hospital, obedience leads to places of suffering and trial. In this new season, however, obedience leads to a small margin of respite. A sliver of time to rest and seek him. There is freedom from the weight of guilt and comparison. I can find joy in obedience!

For other moms, obedience leads them to places of deeper sacrifice of their time—sacrificially educating their children within their own home. My best friend lives across the state, and our friendship in this season exists purely on text messages. She feels a deep conviction to homeschool her seven children. It often leaves her feeling overwhelmed, weak, and tired. Because of her desire to walk in obedience to the Lord, she chooses to give her time to meet the many educational needs within her home. The Lord delights in her heart's desire to obey him.

Have you ever been tempted to compare the ways someone else uses their time and view it as more holy or honoring to the Lord? Do you allow the schedules and actions of others to heavily influence how you determine what is wise and pleasing to the Lord? God is not pleased when comparison motivates our sacrifice. He desires our obedience. 

Unlike Saul, we are not always given clear guidelines of how obedience should look in our daily lives. My husband and I did not initially agree on what obedience looked like in school choice for our children. We prayed that God might bring clarity and unity of mind. We asked Him to direct us in what he desired. And he did. We saw him logistically answer prayers unique to our family in the way he opened doors for our severely disabled daughter to join our other children within the same school environment. He continues to bring us encouragement when our daughters shine the light of Jesus as they foster relationships with our many Hindu neighbors and read them stories in their Bible.

As my husband and I believe we are obeying the Lord with our school choices, we can trust that the Lord is pleased. When we pursue obedience and seek to walk in step with the Spirit—not resisting his call for what we might view as more holy through comparison—we can find freedom and joy trusting that the Lord is pleased. He will provide the grace and strength for us to press on whether in seasons of trial or in places of rest.