How to Disagree Well
How Christians Can Disagree
A lack of love toward one another is one of the biggest ways the Christian witness to the watching world is marred. Furthermore, it is the reason many Christians find it hard to live among other Christians within the church.
In his book, The Mark of the Christian, Francis Schaeffer said, “In the midst of the world, in the midst of our present culture, Jesus is giving a right to the world. Upon his authority, he gives the world the right to judge whether you and I are born-again Christians on the basis of our observable love toward all Christians.” [1]
How many stories of church injuries have you heard? How have you been wounded yourself by the church? What is the solution?
“We love because we promised to and because it isn’t based on our feelings but on the promise that Christ gives.”
The solution cannot be to withdrawal or retreat. Leaving the church will not make your life or anyone else’s life better. Separating the believer from the family only increases the pain.
The only solution is a commitment to loving the way Christ loves—covenantally. That means we love even when we don’t feel it. We love even when we disagree. We love because we promised to and because it isn’t based on our feelings but on the promise that Christ gives.
Differences Among Christians
Schaeffer goes on to say, [1]
I have observed one thing among true Christians in their differences in many countries—what leaves a bitterness that can last for twenty, thirty or forty years (or for fifty or sixty years in a son’s memory)—is not the issue of doctrine or belief which caused the differences in the first place. Invariably it is lack of love—and the bitter things that are said by true Christians in the midst of differences… It is these things—these unloving attitudes and words—that cause the stench that the world can smell in the church of Jesus Christ among those who are really true Christians.
We live in an age of differences. With the rise of COVID-19 and the CDC guidelines, our current presidential election year, and our regular run-of-the-mill disagreements, we find ourselves always having to decide whom to follow and whom to leave. In our cancel culture, someone is always wrong and someone should always be shut out. Honestly, it’s hard to keep up with the outrage.
Little Differences vs. Big Differences
I often step back and ask myself, “Where is the love in this discussion? Where is the place for real disagreement with real unity in Christ? Must I choose one side in order to belong?” There will always be disagreements among us. Most of them will be small, and in in those, love must prevail.
“There will always be disagreements among us. Most of them will be small, and in in those, love must prevail. ”
For example, in our day, there is a debate about the necessity of wearing face masks and following other CDC guidelines to combat the spread of the Coronavirus. Christians disagree with one another about the appropriate measures to take. The Bible is silent about face masks, but it says a lot about bearing with one another.
There are cases, however, where Christians will have disagreements over larger issues. How can we move forward and display love without compromising orthodoxy? How can we be kind and tolerant, and yet still firm in our convictions?
This tension is not unique to our times. The Apostle Paul pastored churches through these kinds of trials. In 1 Corinthians 5:1-5 Paul admonishes the church for allowing a man to take part in church activities even though he’s fornicating with his father’s wife. The holiness of God demands that church leaders protect the holiness of the church.
Later in 2 Corinthians 2:6-8, Paul writes a follow-up. “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him.” Just because the man is in sin does not mean that man is not to be loved by the body.
In the little differences, love covers easily. In the big differences, love still covers, but not so easily. But it is possible, and even biblical, to love brothers and sisters in the midst of their sin and mistakes.
So how can we do that?
Five Ways to Love in Disagreement
Francis Schaeffer outlined five ways to love other Christians in the midst of disagreement. [1]
First, we should never come to such difference with true Christians without regret and without tears…The world must observe that when we must differ with each other as true Christians, we do it not because we love the smell of blood, the smell of the arena, the smell of the bullfight, but because we must for God’s sake. If there are tears when we must speak, then something beautiful can be observed.
Second, in proportion to the gravity of what is wrong between true Christians, it is important consciously to exhibit an observable love to the world. Not all differences among Christians are equally serious. There are some that are very minor. Others are overwhelmingly important [Know the difference.]...
Third, we must show a practical demonstration of love in the midst of the dilemma, even when it is costly. The word love should not be just a banner. In other words, we must do whatever must be done, at whatever cost, to show this love...
Fourth, approach the problem with a desire to solve it, rather than with a desire to win. We all love to win… But we should understand that what we are working for in the midst of our difference is a solution—a solution that will give God the glory, that will be true to the Bible, but will exhibit the love of God simultaneously with his holiness...
Fifth...be aware that it is easy to compromise and to call what is wrong right, but that is equally easy to forget to exhibit our oneness in Christ. This attitude must be constantly and consciously developed--talked about and written about in and among our groups and among ourselves as individuals.
In fact, this must be talked about and written about before differences arise between true Christians… to consider how true Christians can exhibit in practice a fidelity to the holiness of God and yet simultaneously exhibit in practice a fidelity to the love of God before the watching world.
Seek Peace
At the end of the day, do we sigh in exasperation or with love? What are we saying to the watching world? Is there unity among us? Is there a seeking of peace? If not, we need to listen to the Apostle Paul's words in Romans 13:8-10:
Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
We should owe no one anything, except love. Paul’s message is otherworldly. He’s actually telling us to go into debt, but only in one case. He tells us to rack up mountains of debt in the category of love.
“Paul tells us to rack up mountains of debt in the category of love.”
Love doesn't mean approving or accepting all views. It means, for the sake of Christ, loving others as you would love yourself and showing that love in a multitude of ways. One of those ways may be the correction of bad theology. Another may be in the hug after a hard conversation involving discipline. Yet another may be the reception and giving back of that hug to the one who disciplined you.
As you are frustrated, as you disagree, as you experience tension in the body of Christ, consider this: is your mountain of love-debt so high that only Christ can pay it?
[1] Schaeffer, F. (1982). The Complete Works of Francis A. Schaeffer: A Christian Worldview. In The Mark of the Christian (p. 195). Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway
David McLemore is an elder at Refuge Church in Franklin, Tennessee. He also works for a large healthcare corporation where he manages an application development department. He is married to Sarah, and they have three sons. Read more of David’s writing on his blog, Things of the Sort.