How Not to Be a Grumpy Old Woman
My ninety-eight-year-old mother recently passed away after living with me for three years. When I spoke at her memorial service, I said, “You could not do what I did for an easier person. She was grateful, cheerful, and never complained.” Watching her made me wonder what sort of old person I will be. Churches hold parenting retreats, marriage conferences, and seminars on managing finances, but have you ever heard of a church that offered a seminar on how to grow old?
I’m sure you can probably name a few “grumpy old men” whom you have known, and I can too. But I have also had the privilege of watching many saints who are ahead of me move into old age with humility, kindness, and increasing Christlikeness. Of course, they didn’t just wake up on their seventieth birthdays and suddenly display these traits. A familiar verse, Psalm 90:12, says, “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” It is good to give sober thought to the fact that life is short, and if we hope to finish well, we must intend to finish well. What I offer here are a few wise habits we can embrace at any age that will set us on a trajectory to grow old with grace.
Practice Gratitude
The story of the ten lepers whom Jesus cleansed in Luke 17 is a compelling glimpse of one man with a grateful heart. The ten lepers cry out asking Jesus to have pity on them and Jesus tells them to go show themselves to the priests. As they are on their way, they are healed. One of the lepers, upon realizing that he has been healed of this terrible disease, goes back, throws himself at the feet of Jesus, and thanks him. Jesus responds (if I may paraphrase) by saying, “Only one?” I want to be like that guy. It is too easy to move through life without pausing to express thanks. The simple act of gratitude pushes back against my self-sufficiency and helps cultivate a humble heart.
I keep a running gratitude list in my journal where I regularly ask myself, “What am I thankful for today?” Sometimes I write down one thing. Sometimes the list is long. It includes a wide variety of items: a good night’s sleep, a meaningful conversation with a friend, or the fact that my pipes didn’t freeze! This practice keeps me on the lookout for the many ways my life is blessed. Even on difficult days, I can almost always find something for which to be grateful.
Another practice I began many years ago is writing thank-you notes on my birthday. I choose two or three people who have touched my life in some significant way either recently or years ago. I have tracked down the address of an old youth minister, and I have written neighbors I haven’t seen in twenty years. I write people in my church and tell them how they have inspired me as I’ve watched them face illness or other difficulties. I often write to a current friend, recounting some specific way she has encouraged me and spurred me on to know Jesus better. It always brings me so much joy to begin thinking about who I will write next year.
Curb Criticism
As I get older, I understand the temptation of the aged to become critical. If I am honest, I have always understood that temptation. There is one unforgettable conversation I recall in my late twenties. A ministry supervisor and friend sat me down and pointed out how I was often critical. He said he would like for me to pray and work on that. It was a painful conversation, but he was right—I decided I would memorize James 1:19 and ask the Lord to help me “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
Now, as I age, I feel the pull to criticism again. The world around us changes quickly and it’s hard to keep up. The music is too loud. I don’t want a self-checkout lane. The newest technology baffles me. I watched my poor mother (who was very intelligent) try to navigate her new remote in order to simply watch television, something she had done effortlessly for at least sixty years. I’m sure my elder years will present even more technological mysteries that will be easy to complain about and be frustrated by. By God’s grace I am determined to have the humility not to require the world to bend to my preferences.
Accept with Joy
Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is an allegory of the spiritual life. At one point in the story the main character, little Much-Afraid, is traveling through a desert where no plant or tree or flower seems to grow when suddenly she comes upon a small golden-yellow flower. It is growing beneath an old pipe with a small hole in it from which one tiny drop of water comes from time to time. When Much-Afraid asks the little flower its name, it responds, “Behold me, my name is Acceptance-with-Joy.” Every Christian comes to this place sooner or later: Will I trust him and accept what comes to me willingly as from his kind hand? Is it possible to find my joy in Christ alone no matter my circumstances? Our older years will present many new challenges as our health fails and our energy wanes. My brain already doesn’t quite work as sharply as it once did. I have a choice. I can succumb to self-pity and bitterness or I can, by faith, accept and trust.
Abide in Christ
Of course, our ability to do the things I have mentioned depends entirely on whether or not we are drawing our life and strength from Christ. Jesus says in John 15:5, “I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” I can’t guarantee what my disposition will be as I age, but I can tend my life in the vine by daily drawing near to Jesus through his word and through prayer. Then, I will trust him to produce good fruit, the kind I saw in my mother.