“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34–35
Courageous missionary, heroine of the faith, and critically acclaimed writer and speaker, Elisabeth Elliot, occasionally struggled with the command to “love one another,” as is evidenced by some of her own personal writing. For example, in a letter to her family, she shared a satirical, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, assessment of a recently attended Mother's Day event, remarking, "You can just picture the whole thing. Church basement, men in shirtsleeves waiting on the tables . . . farmer's wives and their bucktooth pigtailed daughters . . . diffident pastor's wife trying to be bright and clever as mistress of ceremonies . . . Remind me, somebody, not to accept any mothers and daughters' banquet invitations for next year please!" (Ellen Vaughn, Becoming Elisabeth Elliot, 66). Frequently chaffed by her mother, Elisabeth also wrote, "Mother is a hindrance to me psychologically" (72). And as for fellow missionary, Rachel Saint, who was known for being stubborn and resistant to compromise, they just could not get along. Their relationship was marked by continuous friction and conflict. One day, after reading 1 Corinthians 13, Elliot opened her journal and reflected on Paul's description of love. In herself, she did not find love but impatience, unkindness, pride, rudeness, and arrogance, and she sighed, "I was all of these today" (177).
Even Faithful Believers Struggle in Relationships
Over the years, Elisabeth Elliot has been significant and influential in my spiritual journey. As my first mother of faith, I have been drawing strength from her example for decades. Learning about her humanness made me admire her life even more. In Elliot's ordinariness, she was subject to the same struggles and temptations as others that torment us all: annoying people, unpolished speakers, little slights, rude children, helicopter parents, and spouses with whom we do not always agree. Circumstances we can bear, but people seem to be our problem. Still, though our fallen hearts are easily offended, annoyed, and quick to contend with others, God calls us, in Christ, to faithfully display his goodness to the world together.
We learn in Genesis that God desires a relationship with his people and also for his people to be in relationships with each other (Gen. 1, 2). We are designed for relationships. We are made for deep-rooted companionship with God and with one another. Unfortunately, after the fall, the Bible shows us the conflict, division, and struggle that entered human relationships. Miriam and Aaron opposed Moses (Num. 12). Joseph's brothers resented God's calling on his life (Gen. 37). Jacob and Esau disputed their birthright and blessing (Gen. 25, 27). Paul and Barnabas parted ways over John Mark (Acts 15:36–41). Paul and Peter had it out over Peter's treatment of Gentile believers (Gal. 2:11–14). It is also well worth remembering that shortly before our Lord's crucifixion, his twelve disciples were entangled in jealous bickering as they competed for greatness (Luke 22:24–27). These accounts remind us that disagreement within the body of Christ is not new. Even faithful believers tend to bite and devour one another (Gal. 5:15).
The Bible warns us of this temptation, noting that our fighting with one another is from our passions that war within us (James 4:1), causing envy and strife (1 Cor. 3:3). Grumbling and disputing arise as we seek our own personal honor or merely desire to cling to our personal preferences, judging other believers over matters of personal conscience (Mark 9:33–34, Luke 22:24). We cling to a system of self-justification, rewriting events and assigning blame, and, in doing so, we adopt the world's way of relating to people, viewing them as barriers to our happiness rather than as neighbors to love. But rather than attacking one another, Jesus calls his people to be gentle, compassionate, and humble.
We Are Like Stubborn Sheep
It is no surprise that God repeatedly refers to his people as sheep (John 10:27). In many ways, sheep remind us of our own neediness as we struggle with fear and timidity, but also with stubbornness, stupidity, perverse habits, and mob mentality. W. Philip Keller, in his classic book, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, describes his combative rams during mating season. Male sheep often vie for dominance in fierce head-butting contests to compete for mates with "the crash of heads and thud of colliding bodies" heard day and night (114). Keller's observation reminds us that even among God's people, rivalry and conflict can arise as we knock each other about. Many of us become badly bruised and wounded this way. "In fact," Keller states, "I found as a pastor that much of the grief, the wounds, the hurts, the ill will, the unforgiven things in people's lives could usually be traced back to old rivalries or jealousies or battles that had broken out between believers. Scores of skeptical souls will never enter a church simply because, way back in their experience, someone had battered them badly" (116).
On this side of heaven, we will most certainly face conflicts within the sheepfold, though they should never define Christ's flock. Rather, Jesus teaches that love should mark his people, "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35). When believers exhibit sacrificial love and humility to one another, we bear witness to the reality, beauty, and power of the gospel.
Following the Shepherd
As we consider Christ's life, we find that Jesus understood friction with people all too well. Christ was himself, as Isaiah foretold, "despised and rejected by men," yet when reviled, did not revile in return (Isa. 53:3; 1 Pet. 2:23). Jesus was “lowly and humble in heart” (Matt. 11:29), and as Pastor Skylar Spradlin observed, he was characterized by gentleness, patience, compassion, and meekness (“3 Truths About Jesus Calling His Followers ‘Sheep,’” Lifeway Research). Jesus taught his followers to place others before themselves (Mark 9:35), extend forgiveness to those who have wronged them (Matt. 6:14), meet the needs of others (John 13:14–15), pray for their enemies (Matt. 5:44), and love their neighbors (Mark 12:31)—because these characteristics embody the character of God. Jesus, our Good Shepherd, trusted his Father in every circumstance, and his life showed perfect obedience in both ordinary and extraordinary moments (John 5:30; 8:29).
The Good Shepherd never strayed from his Father's will, laying down his life for his sheep (John 10:11). Through his suffering and humble dependence, God's glory was revealed to the world. As sheep redeemed and loved by such a Shepherd, we are called to follow in his footsteps and magnify God through humble service, self-sacrificial love, and patient care for fellow sheep, making the beauty of the gospel visible.
Our Good Shepherd
Still, we clash. And it's only the shepherd's strict attention to the sheep's behavior that can curb the bashing of the horns during rutting season, reflecting the Shepherd's care in Psalm 23:3. At the earliest hint of conflict among the sheep, the shepherd foresees their need and applies a thick protective ointment on the sheep's nose and head, reapplying it many times throughout the season to guard them from harming one another. When a collision occurs in their great crashing battles, the lubricant causes them to deflect off each other. Keller notes that "After, and in such a ludicrous way, [the sheep] stood there feeling rather stupid and frustrated . . . much of the heat and tension was dissipated and little damage done" (W. Phillip Keller, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, 115). As soon as the oil is applied and the agitation, frenzy, irritability, and restlessness among the flock fade, the sheep grow quiet and settle down, resting in peaceful contentment. Time and time again, we need the Shepherd to "anoint" our heads with oil to protect us from repeated blows.
Christian living requires remaining ever aware of, and relying on, our Good Shepherd for his tender and gracious care in our lives and in the lives of our fellow sheep. This involves confidently calling upon God to act in accordance with his character. Every prick and every slight, every bout of self-pity, or shortness of temper must be quickly brought to the only One who can rub the soothing balm of grace on our weary and war-torn sheepy minds.
Not every believer is called to a distant mission field like Elisabeth Elliot, but every believer is called to love one another. Yet our Good Shepherd does not issue this calling while remaining unaware of our weakness. Battles, large or small, with others give us occasion to examine ourselves, adjust our priorities, reset our sights, confess our sins, and "shake our heads" in wonder at the goodness of God through the Holy Spirit that governs our mind, bringing us life and peace (Rom. 8:6). By his grace, loving others in the body becomes an opportunity to proclaim the goodness of God.