Christian Displays of Affection
Back in the ninth century Lang Darma was a violently corrupt Tibetan king who slaughtered many of his enemies. He was long feared in Tibetan culture, both for his actions and for his appearance. Enhancing his evil aura was a rare condition that some took to symbolize his cruel reign: a severely discolored, nearly black tongue. His darkened tongue came to represent his dark and evil heart.
Fear of King Darma extended beyond his death since many Tibetans believed in reincarnation and worried that he might return in another life as an ongoing cruel threat. So in order to calm each other’s fears, Tibetans began to stick out their light-colored tongues when greeting each other. By this they reassured each other that they were not of Lang Darma’s ilk or reincarnated versions of Darma himself. Interestingly, tongue-greeting lives on in traditional Tibetan culture today, although it has evolved into a more positive expression of peace, respect, and agreement.
A Christian Alternative
Most of us wouldn’t choose to stick out our tongues as a greeting. Although, on further thought, perhaps a good many might, albeit not in the peaceful Tibetan sense. The way people disrespect, despise, suspect, pre-judge, accuse, slander, and cancel each other feels very much like many are sticking out their tongues nastily toward anybody who doesn’t look like or agree with them. In fact, an out-stuck tongue could arguably be a fitting symbol for our current cultural climate.
The Bible calls us to greet each other very differently than this by exhorting us to practice public displays of holy Christian affection to mark our fellowship with mutual, all-inclusive welcome and love.
Christian gatherings and greetings are to include a “kiss of love” (Luke 15:20; 1 Pet. 5:14), which is to be offered without discrimination or exclusion (Phil. 4:21; 1 Thess. 5:26). These Christian public displays of affection (PDA) can sometimes be accompanied by tears of affection and care (Luke 7:45; Acts 20:37) and should always and emphatically be “holy” and without any hint of impropriety or sin (Rom. 16:16; 1 Cor. 16:20; 2 Cor. 13:12; 1 Pet. 5:14; see also Gen. 27:27; 33:4; 45:15; Ex. 4:27; 18:7; 1 Sam. 10:1; 20:41; 2 Sam. 19:39).
Historically, some have called this “the kiss of peace” because kisses and other expressions of welcoming touch have often been coupled with a simple prayer or blessing of peace bestowed upon a person, gathering, church, or house. Intentional and heart-felt Christian displays of love have long demonstrated all-inclusive familial affection.
In our times, such PDA can show that whether we are male or female, rich or poor, powerful or weak, black, white or brown, blue or white collar, Democrat or Republican, conservative or progressive, well-educated or illiterate, and old or young, we all are connected to one another by a bond of love—and we’re willing to show it through reciprocal displays of affection, with no one left out.
Needed Caveats and Clarification
I’m aware that discussions of “touch” in the church will conjure up fears in some who’ve been traumatized by past experiences of inappropriate touch from others, and in others whose health and immunity are compromised. (I do have stage four cancer after all, so these thoughts often cross my mind.) Parents certainly have legitimate concerns about guarding their children from predators. Each of these requires careful pastoral thought and application.
I’m also aware that many would debate how literally Paul intends for us to “kiss” one another in our greetings. Is he commanding an actual kiss or merely a meaningful physical expression of affection? Would a handshake suffice, or a pat on the shoulder, or a bow of the head? Is the “kiss” essential to the greeting, or may we express our Christian welcome and familial affection in other ways that are consistent with our cultural definitions of modesty and propriety? These are valid questions, although, in my judgment, the need for displays of affection is not.
While open questions remain, I do believe that holy displays of affection mattered greatly to New Testament believers and should for us as well. We would do well to rescue such PDA from misuse by the world and reclaim and sanctify the kiss (or some equivalent expressions of affection). At the very least, Christian “PDA” can become a precious bonding aspect of Christian community and family life.
I might even argue that we would do well to give the practice of touching affection almost liturgical significance by its place in our gatherings. Like the Communion meal, the spoken congregational “Amen,” a shared confession of sin, the responsive (or unisonal) reading of Scripture, and reciting of creeds, Christian PDA remind us that church life is horizontal as well as vertical. As such, displays of affection can become sincere expressions of community love and unity—no matter what our differences may be.
Conclusion and Application
The church would do well to recover a more intentional practice of Christian public displays of affection; for in truth, no one can thrive fully without them. However practiced, Christian PDA should be exchanged with sincere love, not merely as a formality, or perfunctory peck on the cheek. But then, that should be the case in all that we do in life and worship. External symbols should always reflect an internal authentic reality.
Naturally, a renewal of this biblical custom will require pastoral teaching, wisdom, and care since many are uncomfortable with touch due to past negative experiences, a concern no less real in New Testament days than in our own. Much effort should be made to offer the uncomfortable the freedom to participate in keeping with their faith and, over time, to instill greater courage to exchange loving and holy affection with others.
In my cancer-compromised condition I have had to leave the church that I pastored, which has meant a long absence from people (including young children) that I have loved dearly. Not long ago, I received a comforting note from a young eleven-year-old, which included the following surprising words: “Pastor Tim, your face always made me smile. I’m sure it was the same for so many. And your fist-bumps and words of encouragement often changed my day and my life.”
Note the holy fist-bumps. I never explained my fist-bumps to him. Neither did I make a big verbal deal of them. But I made sure to give them. And I made them last—often several seconds long, long enough for me to make sufficient eye contact to communicate affection and care. And I was thrilled to learn that my young eleven-year-old brother in Jesus felt the affection and respect behind our personal exchange. He felt noticed. He felt loved. He felt a part of us. He felt like he belonged. Because he did—and my fist-bumps told him so.
If the church is family, then everyone in the family should be greeted with tactile affection and welcome. I would commend the restoration of Christian PDA, along with other unifying expressions of worship and fellowship so that the color, class, culture, condition, and generational walls that Christ died to tear down and destroy (but we have so insistently rebuilt) might remain in ruins. The more expressions of genuine affection and peace that we practice, the more genuine affection and peace we will enjoy.
Tim Shorey is married to Gayline, his wife of 45 years, and has six grown children and 14 grandchildren. After over forty years of pastoral ministry, he recently retired from Risen Hope Church in Delaware County, Pennsylvania. Among his books are Respect the Image: Reflecting Human Worth in How We Listen and Talk; The Communion Truce: How Holy Communion Addresses Our Unholy Conflicts; 30/30 Hindsight: 30 Reflections on a 30-Year Headache; his award-winning An ABC Prayer to Jesus: Praise for Hearts Both Young and Old. To find out more, visit timothyshorey.com.