The Wisdom in Restraining Our Lips
While I’m the one who does the majority of the cooking in our home, my husband is the one who has the true patience of a cook. When he fries meat for us, he gradually simmers the onions and meat on low heat so they are not only thoroughly cooked, but also laden with flavor.
But when I fry vegetables or meat, I crank the stove burner to the highest setting. Sometimes my hurried method works, but in the process I usually get splattered by sizzling oil. Other times it results in a crispy outer layer and under-cooked food inside. Other times my food is burnt beyond edibility.
My husband has this same patience for starting a fire. He will slowly work to build the fire up, carefully adding one piece of kindling at a time to keep from smothering the flame. I, on the other hand, will throw all the wood I can on top of the smallest cinder in hopes that I can walk away and let the fire do its work of burning and warming our home.
Patience is a virtue I am continually chipping away at. In a similar way to these ordinary tasks, I’m learning to be slow and patient with my words as well. And I find these two pictures of patience from my husband to be a helpful reminder of what that patience looks like.
THE WISDOM OF LETTING OUR WORDS SLOWLY SIMMER
With social media, a quick response to someone else’s words is primed for us. There’s a box below their post for us to type out our comments and publish them immediately. There’s a retweet or share button with the option of including our own thoughts in tandem with theirs. Articles come with share buttons littered all around, followed by a comment section at the end.
We likewise have the ease to publish our own thoughts on a blog or a social media account. Within the same hour that we have a thought, it can be published for anyone to read and react to.
This kind of writing, responding, and reacting is similar to my hurried ways of cooking. It’s perhaps a quicker way to get the job done, and sometimes it may even work out in our favor. But sometimes it may go up in flames. Or, if we escape the flames, we and our readers may get burned by the splattering oil. As it says in Proverbs, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Prov. 10:19, emphasis mine).
Our first reaction may not be the best one; it’s often rash, perhaps even angry or hurt, and hasn’t taken into consideration the counsel of God. A quick word hasn’t taken the time to assume the best of others. In this way, our initial reaction is often only emotional, rather than emotions guided by truth. As the writer of Proverbs warned, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back,” (Prov. 29:11).
This is why there is wisdom in letting our words slowly bake and simmer in our hearts and minds before making them known. A person who wants to steward their words well takes time to turn their words over in their mind. Rather than trusting their own judgment, they might share their words with trusted friends before publishing them. If we wish to be wise (and not like the fool), we should hold our tongues and restrain our words when they first boil up in our hearts (Prov. 17:27).
THE WISDOM OF WORDS SLOWLY STOKED
There’s also wisdom in slowly expressing our thoughts. When we start to see the small embers of someone understanding us or seeing our point, we can be tempted to throw all our kindling on top of them. But in doing so, we risk smothering them rather than edifying them. We can overwhelm people when we give them too much information, so much so that they no longer want to hear from us. They may nod along, but they are actually waiting for us to finish our rant so they can move on.
All of our words may be truthful, but they might not be timely. Proverbs also notes, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances” (25:11 NASB).
Like my husband’s slow building of a fire, there’s wisdom in offering our words bit by bit so people are able to process them. As Matthew Henry wrote, “Many a good word comes short of doing the good it might have done, for lack of being well timed.”
If our words aren’t given in the right circumstances, they may do more harm than good. When suffering is fresh or emotions are high, our words may be truthful but not at all helpful in the moment.
But our words can bring joy to others when they are both truthful and well timed (Prov. 15:23). This kind of timing of our words takes wisdom, discernment, and patience—all of which comes with age and experience.
A FEW PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS
There are a few practical things I do to help slow down my speech and my writing. These are neither laws that you must apply nor fool-proof ways of protecting your speech. You may implement all of them and still say the wrong thing at the wrong time. These are simply guardrails and suggestions that may be of benefit to you.
Discuss the topic with a wise friend before writing on it. Even before sitting down to write, it’s helpful to discuss the topic with my husband or a friend. They can often see when I’m running on emotion rather than truth, or when I’m lacking understanding and nuance on a topic.
Consider the audience. For a word to be fitly spoken, it needs to consider it’s hearer or reader. How much information are they willing or able to receive? Am I speaking or writing in a way that’s too academic for them to make sense of? How can I communicate this in a way they will understand?
Consider the medium from which I’m sharing. Is this fit for a social media post or a blog post? Is this conversation one better had in person? Is this a topic that should be discussed among good friends or one that can be done well publicly online?
Refrain from commenting on social media posts immediately. Lately when I see something on social media that sparks frustration in me and tempts me to comment, I pull up a note on my phone and save the comment there. Then I return to it a few hours (or even days) later to re-read and consider if my words are loving, helpful, true, and necessary. Usually I delete the note entirely.
Write blog posts and social media posts in a word processor and leave them for a week (or more) before publishing. Not only does time open my eyes to more grammatical errors and ways to clarify my writing, it also gives my emotions around the piece a chance to settle so I’m able to think through the topic more clearly.
Share blog posts and social media posts with fellow believers for feedback before they are published. This practice has made me such a better writer and has prevented me from publishing words I would have surely regretted.
CHOOSE THE WAY OF THE WISE
These aren’t laws that we must always follow, but perhaps helpful speed bumps to help us slow down our words when our patience is running thin. I believe we will learn to be better stewards of our words as a whole if we heed the warnings and wise words from Proverbs. There’s much wisdom in letting our words slowly simmer in our hearts and patiently waiting for the best moment to express them.
As we speak and publish our words, let’s seek to choose the way of the wise rather than the fool.
Lara d’Entremont is a biblical counselor in training, and her desire in writing is to teach women to turn to God’s word in the midst of their daily lives and suffering to find the answers they need. She wants to teach women to love God with both their minds and hearts. Lara is married to Daniel and they live in Nova Scotia, Canada. See more of her writing on her website, Twitter, or Facebook.