The Truth that Transcends Sexual Trauma
When I was five years old, I was repeatedly molested by my mother’s boyfriend. At the age of twelve, I was raped and lost my virginity. These experiences distorted my view of sex, of course.
I carried a lot of bitterness towards my mom for both incidents that happened to me. For divorcing my dad and bringing her boyfriend to our home and for not catching on sooner. I blamed my sister for not being there for me whenever I was raped. I was angry with both men for using me as a sex object for their sinful sexual gratification. I blamed myself for not screaming or running away.
But ultimately I struggled with how God could allow me to go through any of it. I envied girls in my church who were virgins and had trauma-free upbringings. I’ve spent nights in the shower asking God, “Why me?”
As a result of these past scars, I used to live in fear. I could be afraid that harm was lurking around every corner, even when it was a bright and beautiful day. Maybe you can relate. Your trauma may have left you feeling dirty, guilty, or ashamed. Maybe you’ve felt like there’s no place to go with your hurts and fear.
If that’s you, I have great news: You can transcend your trauma with God’s goodness in Christ. Let me explain.
THE LORD IS NEAR
My childhood sexual trauma distorted my view of sex. I willingly had sex outside of marriage from the age of fourteen to nineteen. It wasn’t until God opened my eyes to the gospel at age nineteen that I came to believe that no man can satisfy my need to be loved. I realized Christ would never fail me the way my alcoholic father had failed me.
While this is wonderfully true, it has taken time to live into this belief and reconcile my trauma with God’s goodness. I wrestled with the question, “Do I have to forgive my assaulter? What if they never asked for forgiveness?”
“Your heart may be broken. Your spirit may be crushed. But you are not alone.”
If you’ve ever asked God similar questions, know that he welcomes them. The Bible tells us that we can run to him with these doubts and fears and expect grace (Heb. 4:16). The Lord is near to us in our pain. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Your heart may be broken. Your spirit may be crushed. But you are not alone. God is nearer to you in your pain than you could ever imagine.
THE FREEDOM OF FORGIVENESS
It’s hard to forgive a person who has deeply wounded you for life, who has stolen something so precious from you at such a young age. I struggled for a long time in fully surrendering all of my pain and hurt to the Lord.
When you forgive someone, you’re choosing not to hold their offenses against them. The fourteen-year-old boy who raped me never sought my forgiveness for the harm he caused me. I had to make a decision with the Lord whether I was going to truly forgive him or live in bitterness for the rest of my life.
I chose to forgive him, in obedience towards Christ (Matt. 6:12). I know I can fully forgive my abusers because I have been fully forgiven by God. It has freed me completely. That doesn’t mean I forgot what happened to me, or that I no longer feel the pain from his offense. It simply means I choose not to dwell on it.
Jesus was the only perfect person to ever live, yet God allowed him to experience the utmost evil by being crucified for our sins. But Jesus didn’t die in vain. There was a purpose for his death—salvation for all who would believe in him.
“Whenever God allows evil in our lives, it isn’t without purpose.”
In the same way, whenever God allows evil in our lives, it isn’t without purpose. At the cross, we see the heinousness of sin and God’s complete love for us (Rom. 5:8). This truth has comforted me when I to wonder why I had to endure such pain. In those moments, I recall the cross and it brings me hope in my sufferings.
Whenever memories or triggers come up, we have the power to choose not to focus on them. Martin Luther said it best: “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”
But how do you keep your memories from building a nest in your head? You have to understand God’s sovereignty and our responsibility.
TWO CRUCIAL TRUTHS
God is sovereign over all, and we are responsible for our sin. This is critical to grasp if we are to overcome the thoughts that plague us.
Let’s start with our responsibility for our sins. We tend to diminish our sins sometimes and compare them to other people’s. It’s hard for us to grasp the true ugliness of our own sin. But the Bible says in Romans 3:10 , “There is no one righteous, not even one.”
Our sin is so offensive to a Holy God that it deserves to be punished. We all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory, so we all deserve to face the wrath of God in hell (Rom. 3:23). Our sin equals death, but God offers us hope and life through Jesus Christ (Rom. 6:23). On the cross, Jesus bore the full wrath of God on behalf of those who would turn from their sin and trust in him for salvation.
“Whether or not someone faces earthly justice for their actions, pedophiles, rapists, molesters, and every other sinner, will face heavenly justice—either in hell or by the death of God’s Son on the cross.”
Whether or not someone faces earthly justice for their actions, pedophiles, rapists, molesters, and every other sinner, will face heavenly justice—either in hell or by the death of God’s Son on the cross.
God was not responsible for my molesters’ sin against me, nor did he cause him to sin. We know this from James 1:13: “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted by evil, and he himself does not tempt anyone.” To think otherwise is incorrect, because it goes against the very nature of God.
He simply allows evil at times, just like when he allowed Joseph to be sold into slavery by his brothers.
GOD MEANT IT FOR GOOD
In Genesis 50:19–20 Joseph confronts his brothers, who once sold him to Egyptian slave traders, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”
Joseph understood that God was sovereign; that he was in charge of everything, good and bad. Therefore he understood how to release vengeance to God (Rom. 12:19). Ultimately, he trusted in the just Judge—not himself—and left his brothers’ fates in God’s hands.
“We cannot control others’ sinful actions toward us, but we do have the power to choose whether we sin or overcome it.”
I was tempted to play the victim in my life because I had been wronged. I thought that, because this evil happened to me, it gave me the right to act the way I do. I thought that, had my trauma never happened to me, I wouldn’t be this way, and therefore it’s not my fault. I used my hurt to justify my sin.
We cannot control others’ sinful actions toward us, but we do have the power to choose whether we sin or overcome it.
Jesus is the Son of God. He lived a perfect and sinless life. If anyone had a right to play the victim, it would have been him. But we know that Jesus, although treated unjustly, entrusted himself to a faithful creator (1 Pet. 2:23).
THE TRUTH THAT TRANSCENDS TRAUMA
The one triune God is fully omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. He did not become less of any of these three when I was molested at five years old. We cannot let our emotions keep us from believing the truth.
God was in total control of my situation as well as yours. Today I can confidently say Romans 8:28: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.”
I don’t have to fully understand why God allowed my pain. I only have to believe that he will use it for my good and his glory. Because of what Jesus accomplished for us on the cross, we who believe are holy, righteous, and pure in the sight of God.
The gospel frees you from seeing yourself as your abuser’s victim. You don’t have to feel ashamed or guilty for what happened to you any longer. You are released from the bondage of sin. You can transcend your trauma.
You and I are now children of God, redeemed by the blood of Christ. No longer slaves to sin, we are free in Jesus.
Ashley Valdez is a wife and mother of three. She is currently pursuing her certification in Biblical Counseling with ACBC. Her passion is to disciple younger women. She is currently a member at City Life Church in Austin, Texas.