The Sex Talk Every Parent Should Be Having with Their Toddler
“What do they mean; ‘that man has a husband?’”
Our daughter was only six years old the first time she asked us about homosexuality. After all our careful screening of TV shows and library books, the topic came up because of a contestant’s backstory on a reality show our family has watched together for years. In spite of our diligent and intentional parenting, to ignore the sexual revolution is no longer reasonable or even possible. Our children are asking sexual questions earlier than ever before. “We need to speak more about sex, not less—to talk about it more frequently and sooner,” writes author Hannah Anderson. “And we need to speak about it in ways that affirm the holiness and celebrate the beauty of our God-given sexuality” (All That’s Good).
But for many frightened parents, what Anderson suggests is a daunting solution to an overwhelming cultural issue. While they may wish to provide clarity to their children, many parents are navigating a shifting sexual culture without a solid biblical foundation of their own. To top it off, their own personal experiences may have left them with shame, trauma and heartache. As sex education expert Megan Michelson has noted, “Because parents are afraid of this topic their instinct is to say nothing unless directly asked . . . and then panic.” This does not have to be your game plan! By starting to initiate these tough conversations while your children are young and inquisitive, you can lay a solid biblical foundation of sexuality.
Here are a few ways you can promote holy sexuality in your children.
Catechism
Catechism is a method of teaching the foundational truths of the Christian faith through the use of questions and answers. This highly effective method has been used for centuries to help teach children. The first “sex talk” you ever have with your children can look something like this:
Parent: Who makes bodies?
Child: God does!
Parent: How does He make them?
Child: Male and female.
Parent: Why does He make them this way?
Child: To reflect His image.
By teaching your children this type of simple and short catechism, you can form within them the foundation of biblical sexuality. This will help to lay the groundwork for future conversations about marriage, sexuality, romance, gender, sanctity of life, LGBTQ issues, celibacy, the purpose of humanity, and yes, even the gospel itself!
When sharing this catechism with your children, I encourage you to hold their wiggly bodies in your lap so that they can connect these words to their physical bodies. Recite the catechism together while they play in the bathtub, while they tumble around in the playroom, or while you have dinner together in the evening. Ask them questions about their bodies, “What does your body look like? What color is it? What shape is it?” and then reinforce, “God made that!” Ask, “Are you a boy or a girl? Isn’t it great that God made you that way?” While you help them brush their teeth at night, point to the mirror and say, “See how you can see the reflection of your image in the mirror? God says you’re a reflection of his image!” Repeat these things again and again to your children (Deut. 6:7) until they saturate the hearts and minds of your whole family, permeating your understanding of God’s plan for sexuality.
Good Practice
There are many ways to integrate the truths of biblical sexuality into your family’s daily experience. Start with one of the following practices, implement it with grace for yourself and your child, and once this practice becomes habit—add another. Remember, you’re both learning a new practice together!
“Knowing and saying correct anatomical names lets your children know that you can be trusted to give accurate information and that you’re a safe place to have conversations about sex. ”
Use correct names for sexual anatomy. Sexual body parts are God’s creation—as normal and natural as eyes and elbows—and as such should be treated with respect. When my first child was an infant, I was so unfamiliar with using proper names for sexual body parts that I would stand in front of the mirror and say “vagina” out loud to myself, just to normalize the sound of it. I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking that sexuality or any part of her God-given body was silly, shameful or gross (1 Cor. 12:22–24). Knowing and saying correct anatomical names lets your children know that you can be trusted to give accurate information and that you’re a safe place to have conversations about sex. It also protects your child from sexual predators who often exploit children’s vague ideas about their own bodies and sexuality.
“Naked is private.” Bodies are good and not something to be ashamed of (Gen. 1:31; 2:25). However, the reality of sexual sin in our world means that not all contexts are safe nor appropriate for nakedness. Teaching your children that “naked is private” instills two important values. First, nakedness is not meant for public display. Train them to change in private and to wear clothes that cover their private parts. These ideas protect them from sexual predators and equip them to navigate a world in which they can encounter sexually explicit media, while also showing them what it means to honor and safeguard their own sexuality. Conversely, nakedness is allowed in privacy, in the safety and security of loving and appropriate relationships. For example, in the privacy of a bathroom it’s appropriate for a parent to help a young child bathe. In the privacy of a doctor’s examination room—with the oversight of a parent—it’s fitting for a doctor to examine a child. There are moments when nakedness is not only permitted, but good. The long-term benefit is that if your children one day marry, shame-free intimacy can flourish in this appropriate context.
Foster consent. In the manner of Joseph with Potiphar’s wife (Gen. 39), we are responsible to both verbally and assertively stop sinful sexual advances. To develop this consistent response, allow your child to say “no” to unwanted, uncomfortable or painful physical contact. For example, one family taught their children to say, “This is my body. Stop!” whenever they encounter unwanted physical contact of any kind. If Dad is tickling too much, if Mom is combing hair in a way that is painful, or if Grandma comes in for a sloppy kiss, they can say, “This is my body. Stop!” If you give them a chance to role-play saying “no” in a safe context it will become easier for them to do so when they encounter it in sinful or unsafe scenarios later in life.
Everyday Discipleship
Sexuality does not exist on some separate plane where the Christian life does not “work” or apply, nor is it a looming threat to the kingdom of God. Everyday discipleship will ground your children in the richness of life with God, telling a winsome story of God’s love for them and declaring that God is truly the pearl of great price, worth any sacrifice (Matt. 13:45–46). As their own faith in God grows, they’ll be more inclined to trust God and surrender to His way.
“Everyday discipleship will ground your children in the richness of life with God, telling a winsome story of God’s love for them and declaring that God is truly the pearl of great price, worth any sacrifice.”
Read a storybook Bible. God’s plan for sexuality is to mirror Christ’s great love for the Church in a covenantal, sacrificial and joyful sexual relationship within the context of heterosexual marriage. This rich and nuanced understanding of sexuality is found in the overarching narrative of God’s magnificent plan of salvation. Choose a storybook Bible that tells this grand story. As you read it with your child, over and over, this divine love story will begin to take root. This will serve as a foundation that will allow them to more readily affirm the goodness in God’s plan for sexuality.
Cultivate community. Like the Hebrew families that shared a Passover lamb with individuals in the community without family (Ex. 12:3–4), so families within the church must open themselves up to be a blessing to the single brothers and sisters in the church. As your children experience this, they will learn that the church is a place to find love, friendship, and relational intimacy. Some of your children will grow up to experience singleness, same-sex attraction, or a celibate lifestyle. Help your child learn that life in covenant with God does not cut them off from a chance at love and relationships. Instead, it has the potential to connect them to a rich storehouse of community and intimacy within the family of God.
Model repentance. By modeling genuine repentance for sin, we show our children the path to walk when they face their own brokenness. Say “I’m sorry” to your children after getting impatient, let them hear you confess in prayer, and regularly express joy in the mercy of God on your behalf. As much as the idea may cause you to wither inside, there is no future reality in which your child remains sexually perfect. Sexual brokenness, at some point on our faith journey, is a part of every person’s story. Modeling repentance will help them believe that when they need to confess sexual sin, they will not be met with shock or shame—but with the welcoming grace of a loving Heavenly Father.
Knowing many of the consistent habits of healthy Christians can help to instill biblical sexuality into the hearts and minds of your children. However, if some of these practices are not currently part of your family culture, don’t be discouraged. Take the posture of a student, seeing yourself as a fellow learner along with your child. Ask God for the courage to begin, and for the strength to remain faithful in this discipleship process.
Aanna Greer is a writer, speaker, wife, and mother whose passion is connecting women to God and to each other. She is the author of Darling: A Woman's Guide to Godly Sexuality. You can find her on Instagram at @aannagreer.