How the Church Can Support Women with Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders
Motherhood isn’t always what we expect. Like many new mothers in the church, I knew that motherhood would be hard, reveal the depths of my sinful heart, and require increased dependence on God. What I didn’t expect were the terrifying intrusive thoughts and suffocating depression. After our first child was born, disturbing images of harm coming to my baby filled my mind, turning protective love into obsessive-compulsive disorder. Determined to avoid that kind of suffering with our second daughter, I prepared as well as I knew how, only to come face to face with a darkness and doubt I did not know existed.
“After our first child was born, disturbing images of harm coming to my baby filled my mind.”
I’m not alone. Twenty percent of new mothers encounter depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, bipolar disorder, or rarely, psychosis during pregnancy or the year following birth. Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) are more than just the average difficulties that accompany motherhood. Although well-meaning friends and family may assume a mom is simply overwhelmed or ill-prepared, PMADs are disorders: what women with PMADs feel is disproportionate to their circumstances. In the church, the value given to motherhood can make PMADs even more painful, because there seems to be no place to voice our misery.
Because PMADs affect one in five mothers, members of your church have experienced them, and some may be suffering from them right now. The sister with a baby in the pew in front of you may be depressed despite the smile on her face. The friend who is isolating herself may be unable to cope. Pastors, the anxious new mothers you shepherd are in need of your counsel and prayers. I have been that woman three times.
We may hide our pain in public and hesitate to share our struggles. We may feel ashamed, believing that no other woman resents her baby or that good Christian mothers can’t be this anxious. We may be unable to focus, making conversation and corporate worship difficult.
But we need the church as we wade through PMADs.
The design of the body of Christ makes her one of the greatest helps for suffering mothers. The church is equipped with both theological truth and compassionate care that can offer support for body and soul. While each woman’s needs will vary, there are three main ways the church can come alongside us as we suffer.
Lighten Our Burdens
Meal trains are a fantastic way to relieve a new mother’s stress. However, women with PMADs need more than meals. We need babysitting for counseling or doctor’s appointments. We need help with our older children. Dishes, laundry, and errands—burdens for all new mothers—overwhelm women with PMADs even more, especially if depression leaves us with no energy or anxiety makes us terrified to leave the baby alone. While some wish for an end to unsolicited advice, many mothers struggle with the plethora of parenting opinions and want gentle, humble guidance from seasoned parents.
“When my postpartum OCD made me afraid to be alone with the baby, my pastor’s wife arranged for women to keep me company without telling them the specifics of how I was struggling. ”
Practical support is vital for all postpartum women, but for those of us with PMADs, it is even more necessary. Yet not everyone helping us needs to know the details. When my postpartum OCD made me afraid to be alone with the baby, my pastor’s wife arranged for women to keep me company without telling them the specifics of how I was struggling. While there are unique aspects of PMADs, much help can be extended by healthy churches doing what they already do well: bearing the burdens of its suffering members.
Weep with Us
Biblical encouragement is necessary while recovering from PMADs. But at times, even attempts to give us strength from the Word can be discouraging.
Although PMADs enrich the spiritual lives of some women, drawing them into deeper dependence on God, many of us struggle to pray or read Scripture, and not just because our hands are full. In light of our suffering, God’s promises seem trite and unbelievable, even upsetting.
In the depths of postpartum depression, I distrusted God’s goodness so much that the gospel brought me no hope. I didn’t like God. Why would reconciliation with him be good news? Jumping ahead to imperishable hope was painful during suffering that felt endless. In those times, I needed someone to lament with me, not cheer me up. That lament, though it voiced questions about God’s faithfulness, also kept me from giving up on him, because I could be honest about my doubts, rehearse God’s character, and then wait for him to act.
Leave room in your church for mothers to struggle, because we are. Ask how mom is doing, not if the baby is a “good baby.” Allow us to voice our shocking feelings. Pray aloud for us and read the Psalms of lament to us. Weep with us over our sorrows. Hold our hands while we share our fears. Text us during the week specifying how you are praying for us. Let us know that we are loved and heard even when we are unwell.
Equip us to Fight Back
Healing from PMADs takes a long time. We cannot simply pull ourselves out, but the church can help us fight well as we recover. This happens when you relieve our burdens and weep with us, but timely application of theological truth to our specific concerns is also vital. While heavy theological work is best done outside of suffering, inside of it, we need truth, not platitudes.
From the pulpit and in the pew, help us remember the value of daily faithfulness in motherhood.
Give us a robust theology of sin, so that we are not caught off guard by our own sin—or our children’s.
Acknowledge the difficulties of life in a fallen world, so that we can see that some of what we fight is not sin but the curse at work, the increased toil of childbearing.
Remind us that we can be free from guilt and shame because Christ’s atonement covers our sin.
Strengthen our ecclesiology so we know that it is right, not shameful, to need help.
Let us know we are not expected to be perfect mothers, even in the church.
Tether us to truth so that as we process intense emotions, we do not let them rule us.
While our questions and struggles need to be addressed theologically, we also need the church to know that the root cause of our PMADs often has a physical component. Although practical, spiritual, emotional, and theological support help and at times may completely alleviate PMADs, supplements, medication, sleep, and nutrition are often necessary aspects of healing. Help us think wisely and biblically about our options and be gracious about the choices we make in Christian freedom.
“By loving a struggling member of Christ’s body, the church can make a huge difference in her life. I know, because it has for me. ”
As you seek to support mothers with PMADs, be patient. Our mood may not improve when the baby gets older (even when he sleeps through the night). But the church can walk alongside us, helping us become more like Christ and more aware of God’s goodness through our suffering. You may feel like you are not doing anything. You may want to give up because we take so long to recover. You may not even be sure a mother has PMADs. But by loving a struggling member of Christ’s body, the church can make a huge difference in her life. I know, because it has for me.
Kyleigh Dunn is wife to Ezra and mother to three young girls. A three-time survivor of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, she seeks to spread awareness of them in the church and apply theology and biblical encouragement to moms experiencing them. Kyleigh has a certificate in Women’s Transformational Leadership from Western Seminary and certificates in biblical counseling from the Institute for Biblical Care and Discipleship. She blogs at thesojourningdunns.wordpress.com and can be found on Instagram or Facebook.