The Freedom of Marital Commitment
While my grandfather remembered the attack on Pearl Harbor, and my mom remembers the Kennedy assassination, I was born after these events and thus have no memory of them. But I will never forget the tragic events of September 11, 2001, just as you will never forget the COVID-19 pandemic. I woke up early on 9/11 and turned on the television to catch the news before heading to class. One of the twin towers was on fire because it had been hit by a plane. In a short amount of time, the other tower was hit, and eventually they both collapsed, resulting in the deaths of nearly 3,000 people. This memory is forever etched into my heart and mind.
For the next few weeks, my wife and I tearfully watched the news coverage night after night. Our hearts broke for the husbands who lost their wives, the children who would grow up without fathers, and the friendships that abruptly came to an end. Like everyone else, we grieved that so many people needlessly lost their lives.
But we did not grieve for the buildings. Sure, we may regret how the New York skyline has changed with the loss of the Twin Towers, but we did not grieve the destruction of the buildings as we grieved the loss of lives.
Why am I bringing up such tragic events in a book on relationships? The answer is quite simple: tragedy reveals what we value most. When the passengers on Flight 93 discovered that their plane was hijacked, they instantly called their friends and family to express their love and to say goodbye. No one made a call to check their bank account, or to find out the final score of a sporting event. They all called to connect one last time with their loved ones for one simple reason: Relationships matter most. And we all know this when we take the time to reflect on it. In fact, you know this firsthand because of the quarantine from the COVID-19 pandemic. Wasn’t the hardest part being away from your friends? Didn’t you yearn to be with them? More than anything, my kids told me they missed being with their classmates, teammates, and friends. My guess is that the same was true for you.
This same truth can be seen in movies. Take the Marvel film End Game. While the Avengers struggle mightily to defeat Thanos, the movie is compelling because it is about characters we care about and can relate to. We root for Captain America to get one last dance with Peggy. We root for Hawkeye to be reunited with his family. And we root for Iron Man to become the husband, father, and mentor (to Spider-Man) that he yearns to be.
Great movies are about human drama and relationship. The Rocky movies are not just about boxing, but about the relationship between Rocky and his wife, son, friends, and his mentee, Adonis Creed. The classic film Titanic was so popular not because it was about a sinking ship, but because people resonated with the love story between Jack and Rose.
Scripture teaches that God made human beings for relationships with Him and with other people. Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden. He had perfect health, a perfect environment, and could work and play with the animals, and yet God declared that it was not good for Adam to be alone (Gen. 2:18). Why? The first reason is because God gave humans the task of multiplying and filling the earth (Gen. 1:28), and Adam could not do this without Eve. But second, God also made humans to be in relationship with other human beings. We are not meant to live in isolation. We are made to live in families and communities with other people.
Thus, since we are made for relationships, we can only be free through commitment and faithfulness. This may strike you as backwards! After all, we live in a world of endless options. From consumer products, to music, to streaming television, you can seemingly have what you want, when you want it, how you want it, and with whomever you want. So, in terms of marriage, why commit to one person for life? Why limit yourself?
I live in Orange County, and it often seems people have little commitment to anything. People switch schools, sports clubs, and churches with barely a second thought. The philosophy seems to be: If you find something better, take it.
Having options can be good, but when there are unlimited options, people become less willing to work through conflict—especially in something as important as a marriage or relationship. After all, there might be someone better out there.
As I mentioned earlier, my wife and I have been married more than two decades. I love her dearly and cherish our relationship. Yet there have certainly been times of frustration, conflict, and disagreement where it felt as if it would be easier to walk away. Yet no matter how I may feel, walking away is not an option. I meant my vows when I first gave them, and I stick by them today. And so does my wife. Our commitment to each other gives us the confidence—and freedom—to know that we can and will work through difficulties. Commitment helps us transcend conflict.
The value of commitment is also true in the dimension of sex. Our world proclaims endless options as the path to sexual freedom. But in reality, sex is actually most satisfying when there is trust, love, and commitment. In a committed, loving relationship partners don’t have to be anxious about sexual performance, worried about comparison, or concerned about contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Instead, married couples are free to experience the joy of sex as God designed it.
But if sex requires the commitment of marriage, what about singles? If they can’t have sex, how can they possibly be free?
A single person who wants to honor the Lord will not be sexually active. But singleness offers a different kind of freedom than marriage. In fact, the Apostle Paul says it is good to be single! He even wished others would be single like him (1 Cor. 7:7-8).
What freedoms do single people have that married people don’t? For one, they are free from definitions and expectations culture forces on them about sex and relationship. Second, married people are anxious about pleasing each other, says Paul, but singles can be free to focus on serving the Lord and loving other people.
A young single man named Roberto likes to compare himself to Gandalf. Why? He said, “I am not married, so I do not need to stay in one place. So, God can send me wherever He needs me to go.” Rather than seeing his singleness as a curse, he sees it as a blessing. Like Paul, he views being single as a kind of freedom rather than a restriction. Thus, he finds his joy in loving and serving others.
The point is not that singleness is easy. It’s not. Neither is marriage. The point is that God invites us to embrace a different kind of freedom than the kind offered by the world. God invites each one of us—whether male or female, single or married—to the freedom that comes from committing our lives to loving other people in relationship. This is the only path to experiencing the truly rich life Jesus proclaimed.
Excerpted with permission from Chasing Love by Sean McDowell. Copyright 2020, B&H Publishing Group.
Dr. Sean McDowell is a gifted communicator with a passion for equipping the church, and in particular young people, to make the case for the Christian faith. In addition to his role as Associate Professor in the Christian Apologetics program at Talbot School of Theology, Biola University, Sean travels throughout the United States and abroad, speaking at camps, churches, schools, universities, and conferences. Sean is the co-host for the Think Biblically podcast, which is one of the most popular podcasts on faith and cultural engagement. He has written, co-written, or edited more than twenty books and has a leading apologetics blogs at seanmcdowell.org.