Leaving a Church Well
No one wants to talk about leaving their church. Your church is likely filled with people who introduced you to Jesus, encouraged you in your walk, officiated your wedding, and maybe even officiated the funeral of a loved one. In a church community, we find counsel, comfort, and friendship. Church is where we worship, and often where God meets us. Though it’s filled with broken people, church is amazing.
So, why would we ever talk about leaving it?
We should talk about it because it happens. As a pastor, I hate to see people leave my church, but in the welcoming of new members and the good-byes as people move on, I’ve seen a handful of really good reasons to leave.
Leave Because There Is a Gap in Core Convictions
If you find that you and your church are no longer teaching and believing the same things, something needs to change. That change may need to be you. Before you leave, open your Bible with a pastor and seek understanding and instruction on the gap you perceive. Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding, or there is an opportunity for you to grow and learn.
Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Churches can and do drift from truth and the gospel to which they’ve been called. If that’s the case, it’s time to leave. However, not every difference is a justification for division. To guide my discernment, I’ve found it helpful to break convictions into three tiers.
Tier 1 is concerned with the essential confessions of the faith. (There is one God eternally existing in three persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; Jesus is fully God and fully man; Jesus lived a sinless life, and died in the place of sinners on the cross, defeating sin and death; all people have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and can be saved by grace through faith in Christ alone.) If we disagree about these issues, I don’t believe you’re a Christian. If there is a tier 1 disagreement, the time to leave your church is yesterday.
Tier 2 consists of our biblical convictions. Your list may look different than mine, but for me, Tier 2 includes differing understandings of spiritual gifts, the order of the end times, practices of baptism and communion, church governance, discipleship structure, and a handful of other things. I have strong opinions about all these; however, I understand how someone else could disagree with me while still honoring the authority of Scripture. I want the church where I worship to align as closely as possible with my Tier 2 convictions, particularly baptism and communion, as those affect my practice of worship. However, if I found myself in a town where the only churches disagreed with me on some or all these convictions, I should still be able to find a place to worship, so long as we could find agreement on Tier 1 issues.
Tier 3 is based on preferences. We each have strong preferences that we can often confuse with convictions. Mine include worship style, preaching style, design aesthetics, and of course, coffee. If you can’t manage to freshly grind whole-bean, single-origin, light-medium roast organic coffee, and then brew it through an SCA-certified machine with properly filtered water, you probably don’t love me. Of course, that’s absurd. Coffee is a preference, and if my church changes its coffee brand or brewing technique, that is no reason to leave.
Leave Because Sin Is Not Addressed with Grace and Truth
Sadly, church staff, volunteers, and members still sin this side of eternity. If you don’t believe me, just spend a bit longer in a church. What makes a church unique is not the lack of sin, but rather how sin is addressed.
If “grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (John 1:17), it should exist abundantly in his churches. Truth means we do not look over sin. Sin is so evil that it took the death of Jesus to pay for it. We cannot minimize his death by minimizing sin. Grace means there is a pathway to redemption precisely because Jesus died for sin. We cannot minimize his death by denying its efficacy.
Churches are called to address sin with grace and truth. If you find yourself in a church that will not call sin what God calls sin, or will not work to restore sinners, it may be time to leave.
Leave Because the Church Is Dead
Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). If the people of your church are abiding in Christ, there will be fruit.
Now, to be clear, fruitfulness does not necessarily mean a large church or a wealthy church. Jesus loves a faithful, small, and weak church just as much (Rev. 2:8–11; 3:7–13). Fruitfulness means a church is making disciples who are increasingly mature in their faith (Matt. 28:18–20; Eph. 4:11–24). If your church is not interested in making or maturing disciples, it may be time to leave.
Leave Because God Is Sending You
God has been sending people out of churches on his mission ever since Barnabas and Saul were commissioned by the church in Antioch (Acts 13:1–3). This is certainly the best and most joyful reason to leave a church. If God has put his mission on your heart, and it is affirmed by your church, go forth boldly for the sake of the gospel.
Why NOT to Leave a Church
Just as there are plenty of good reasons to leave a church, there are plenty of bad reasons as well. Here are the three I’ve seen most often:
1. Disagreement over a Tier 3 Belief
It is fine to have your preferences, but your preferences should not rule you. Christians are called to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph. 5:21). This means setting aside our preferences for the sake of deep relationships and deep roots that lead to profound Christian growth. If you spend your earthly walk chasing the most dynamic preacher, the most powerful worship experience, or the fanciest church perks, you will miss out on growth.
2. Unaddressed Conflict
I get it. Conflict is awkward. No one likes it, and it is easiest to ignore it. But what if conflict is the crucible of growth? What if the discomfort you feel is iron striking iron? If you have been offended or sinned against, you are called to “speak the truth with [your] neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Eph. 4:25). If you never go to the brother who has sinned against you, you will never know the joy of having gained your brother (Matt. 18:15)
3. Deprioritizing Worship
For every person who chooses to leave a church, it seems there are a dozen who simply drift away. Comfort, kids’ sports, and personal hobbies all compete for our affections. These are good things when they’re submitted to Christ, but we will never experience the fullness of life God intends for us if we are separated from community. Guard your priorities. The best thing you can do for your health and joy is to worship the God who created you and invest in the community he’s given you.
How to Leave a Church Well
If it is time to leave your church, leave well. Set aside an intentional time of prayer, and if you’re married, engage in focused times of prayer with your spouse. Come up with a list of the reasons why you think God may be calling you to leave the church, and ask him to reveal whether these reasons are legitimate or not.
If, after a season of prayer, you still think God might be calling you to leave your church, invite a small circle of trusted believers to help you process the decision. This does not mean openly questioning the church in your Small Group or Sunday School class. It means asking two or three mature believers who know you well to help you privately process your concerns. Ask them to push back on your reasons if they see fit.
If, after consulting with trusted believers, you still think God might be calling you to leave your church, make it a priority to speak with your pastor. During this conversation, share your concerns, and show up with a heart to learn and listen. Your concerns may be the product of a misunderstanding. Listen with grace, seeking clarity. If your church has drifted from truth, is not addressing sin, or is not bearing fruit, God may not be calling you to leave, or he might be calling you to make a difference in your church. If your pastor agrees with the issues you’re raising and is trying to correct them, God might be calling you to stay.
If, after a conversation with your pastor, you still believe God might be calling you to leave your church, it is probably time to leave. If that’s the case, leave without slander or gossip. The church is imperfect, but Jesus loves her. We should too. Leave with a plan and timeline to get connected to a new church. Make a list of your priorities and begin your search the very next Sunday. Prayerfully set a target date for committing to a new church and ask someone to keep you accountable to finding a church within that time.
Ultimately, your goal should be to leave in such a way that you could joyfully return to your church without shame or awkwardness. We know we will be reconciled in worship of Jesus for eternity, so let’s live reconciled today.