How to Turn Your Pastor’s Grief into Joy
During a recent prolonged sickness, I spent several nights with minimal sleep and one night with none at all—a trial that catapulted sleeplessness near the top of my “Strongly Dislike” list. Sleeplessness brought on a deep, gloomy cloud that fogged up my thoughts while I lingered hour after hour in somewhat scary, ill-health, with not a glimmer of dawn peeking through the blinds. The lack of rest felt almost suffocating.
I think many pastors experience a similar dark and looming fog even while wide awake in the middle of the day. Long ago I attended a pastors’ conference intended to encourage, only to feel a gloomy pall haunting the place. More than a few of these men were profoundly discouraged, if not depressed to the point of quitting. I am sure many would have gone home, resigned their spiritual post, and gladly pumped gas for a living if it would have paid the bills.
Spiritual care and leadership have always been hard; Jesus and his disciples knew this well (Matt. 17:17; 2 Cor. 4:7–10; 6:8–10). Our Lord’s cry of ministry weariness and his longing for circumstances to be better (Matt. 17:17) comforts us by showing that discouragement doesn’t necessarily reveal sin or doubt. It may simply remind us that pastoral care of human souls will weary even the best of men. Pastors are jars of clay who sometimes become dry and brittle while being sunbaked by others’ needs. I should know. As a pastor of nearly forty years, it has often happened to me.
Discouraged and Weary Pastors
The year 2020 with all of its still-rippling effects hasn’t helped. Pandemics, politics, and polarizing ideologies have unsettled nearly all of us. Incessant quarreling over masks and mandates, together with a wholly inadequate attempt at “virtual church” has tested pastors’ wisdom, patience, skill, and strength beyond anything known before. Having previous church rhythms and commitments unsettled, many church members seized the moment to try something different. I heard today that only one of three church members is attending the same church as before the pandemic. If that is true—or at least approximating the truth—pastors (and churches) are suffering departures and losses at an alarming and soul-draining rate.
Of course, adverse ministry conditions—together with the storms of fierce persecution—are the norm for many the world over. But pastors in our time and place are not familiar with such conditions and their alarming effects. A George Barna study has revealed the scope of the crisis. According to this 2021 study,
38% of pastors have given serious thought to quitting in the past year,
almost 50% of those under age 45 are thinking about it, and
most polled pastors say they usually “feel” less than “good,” with only 33% being spiritually, physically, emotionally, vocationally, and relationally “healthy.”
Barna concludes, “Now is the time for the Christian community to come alongside their pastors to pray and support them so they can continue to lead in healthy ways.”
Yet the opposite is happening. More than ever, social-media empowered voices pile criticism on pastors, blaming them for everything that is wrong in the church. No doubt some of the criticism is deserved (I should know). Pastors like me make mistakes; indeed, too many to count. But the hyper-critical mentality of judging pastors in the worst possible light that is so prevalent in our culture today has grieved many a pastor beyond the bounds of fairness or love.
“The overwhelming majority of pastors have poured out their love to see truth proclaimed, people saved, lives changed, and heaven filled, and it has cost them dearly, leaving many asking with Jesus, “How Long?””
Please don’t misunderstand. There is no place I would rather be than with my church family. I love their singing. I love their faith. I love their faces. I love their greetings and hugs. I love their fellowship. I love their spiritual hunger. I love their prayers. I love their devoted service and spiritual gifts. I love teaching them and being taught by them. I love their love. They make me happy.
And yet, the discouragements and sorrows are real. Any honest and faithful pastor will admit this is so. The overwhelming majority of pastors I know are sincere believers who have laid down their lives for the bride of Christ; but they are hurting. They have poured out their love to see truth proclaimed, people saved, lives changed, and heaven filled, and it has cost them dearly, leaving many asking with Jesus, “How Long?”
How to Make Your Pastors Happy
Despite all such adversity, pastors are to be joyful and eager in their work (Heb. 13:17; 1 Pet. 5:2). They must keep from grudging and grumbling ministry and cultivate enduring joy. While they may and will be “sorrowful,” they must learn to be “always rejoicing” (2 Cor. 6:10) and ever content (Phil. 4:1–13).
So what can congregations do to help? They can begin by noticing that the same texts that call pastors to joy call congregations to a responsiveness that makes it easier for that joy to happen (Heb. 13:17; 1 Pet. 5:5). There are commitments that each of us can make to inspire joy in a pastor’s heart. New Testament authors offer at least seven ways to make pastors deeply happy.
Cultivate a willing disposition to follow your pastors’ teaching and leadership. There is a connection between spiritually humble sheep and spiritually happy pastors. Both Hebrews and 1 Peter urge congregations to be submissive while urging pastors to be eager and happy (Heb. 13:17; 1 Pet. 5:1–5). Congregations shouldn’t be blindly subservient, but they should cultivate an eager attentiveness to hear God’s Word (James 1:18–21; Acts 17:11) and a readiness to follow pastoral leadership with a cheerful disposition.
Seek a grief that leads to repentance. True pastors are not guilt-mongers. But they are holy men of God who are called at times to preach a Word that convicts and corrects (2 Tim. 3:16; Tit. 2:15). They take no pleasure in the tears of the saints, but there is undeniable joy when the Word brings about a godly sorrow that leads to repentance (2 Cor. 7:8–9). Members serve the joy of their pastors when they mourn their sin and find grace to change.
Walk in step-by-step practice of the truth. John, the pastor-apostle, had “no greater joy than to hear that [his] children [were] walking in the truth” (3 John 1:4). In this he speaks for nearly every pastor I know. Good pastors preach the truth and feel soaring joy when people walk in it, living their lives daily in keeping with that truth.
Be humbly single-minded in the mission of the gospel. Paul writes, “[I want to] hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel. . . . complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Phil. 1:27; 2:2, emphasis added; also see Phil. 1:3–5). Paul’s joy was fully completed when his people were mission-united. Competing agendas that are not gospel agendas grieve a pastor’s heart. Tangents lead to tears. But when people join gospel mission with a whole heart, they will hear their pastors sing!
Prioritize face to face relational presence in your church. Again, John writes, “Though I have much to write to you, I would rather not use paper and ink. Instead I hope to come to you and talk face to face, so that our joy may be complete” (2 John 1:12, emphasis added; see also 1 Cor. 16:17–18 and Rom. 15:32). There is great two-way joy in face-to-face ministry and in-person life. Absentee believers sadden the hearts of those called to care for them. Face-to-face Christians are a shepherd’s delight.
“Absentee believers sadden the hearts of those called to care for them. Face-to-face Christians are a shepherd’s delight.”
Seek to refresh the saints. “For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you” (Phile. 1:7; emphasis added). No doubt Paul derived joy directly from Philemon’s refreshing love for him (Phile. 1:20), but in verse 7 Paul’s joy is in Philemon’s refreshing love shown to the saints. Philemon made Paul happy by refreshing the hearts of God’s people. I know the feeling. When one of God’s children refreshes others with kindness and love, my heart soars. Your pastor’s heart will too.
See, hear, and make much of Jesus. John the Baptist was a pastor of sorts, a preacher who rejoiced in seeing Jesus increase in people’s attention and affection, while he decreased (John 3:29–30). This is the same spirit that animated Paul’s ministry. He rejoiced when Jesus was preached and people made much of the Savior (Phil. 1:12–18). This is how to make your pastor happy: live a Jesus-filled life. Make much of Jesus. Hunger to hear his Word and to know him more, love him more, share him more, sing of him more, and proclaim him more.
None of these happiness-inducers is linked to money or power or prestige or control but to the welfare and well-being of God's people to the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. This isn’t a pitch to make my life or your pastor’s life easier or more comfortable, prosperous, or popular but to make your pastor’s heart happier in the things that matter most.
Please Make Me Happy
I was surprised when I first noticed New Testament writers’ appeals to their flocks to make them happy. It seemed so self-serving. But in fact they do make these appeals, and that under the inspiration of the Spirit for our edification. They asked others to make their joy complete—an unblushing request that others make them happy!
In a day such as ours when pastoral failures both real and imagined are trumpeted far and wide, and when pastoral discouragement both real and deep is all too common, we would all do well to find a better way forward. It is a way marked by abounding joy and intentional joy-giving love. Why not make it your weekly aim? If your pastor is a faithful man who labors to love Jesus, love the Word, and love people, then make it your ambition to complete his joy. I assure you that he needs it.
Not only is this what the Lord requires of us all, it is also what will be to everyone’s advantage (Heb. 13:17). There’s nothing to be gained by a cranky pastor or cantankerous congregation, and there’s everything to be gained by a reciprocal, humble love that seeks to complete one another’s joy. When shepherds and sheep aim to make each other happy in the Lord, everybody wins!
Tim Shorey is married to Gayline, his wife of 43 years, and has six grown children and 13 grandchildren. In his 40th year of pastoral ministry, he helps to lead Risen Hope Church, in Delaware County, PA. Among his books are Respect the Image: Reflecting Human Worth in How We Listen and Talk; 30/30 Hindsight: 30 Reflections on a 30-Year Headache; and his recently released An ABC Prayer to Jesus: Praise for Hearts Both Young and Old. To find out more, visit timothyshorey.com.