How to Forgive

“How can I forgive them?” It’s a question spoken out of a yearning to release the one who has inflicted injury. It’s a question that is said out of hurt and sometimes anger.

How do we forgive the person who keeps sinning against us? How do we forgive the one who sins against us in a grievous way? How do we forgive the individual who sins against us and isn’t repentant?

And when I ask, How, I do not so much have the mere mechanics of forgiveness in mind—although I mean this too—but the resources of the heart that might enable one to forgive. Where do these resources come from? We need to know because forgiveness, we read in Scripture, is mandatory for a Christian. In his depiction of how we ought to pray, Jesus seems to bind our forgiveness from God with the forgiveness we offer others, saying, “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt 6:12).

Knowing that we might choke on that commandment, Jesus offers an explanation for the stakes of our forgiveness at the end of his prayer. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt 6:14–15). Yikes. There it is, in black and white. We must forgive the one who has offended us.

Now, to be clear, this is no spiritual tit-for-tat. Jesus is not saying that God will withhold forgiveness from us until we grant it to others. Rather, what Jesus is saying is that the forgiveness we receive from him is demonstrated in our forgiveness of others. Those who have received forgiveness will forgive.

Jesus is also not saying that forgiveness is the same as reconciliation. We might forgive someone, but their lack of repentance or change in behavior might mean that we are unable to trust them again. Jesus does not command that we reconcile with everyone (although, in Christ, that of course is our hope). But Jesus unhesitatingly does demand that we forgive.

But how can we muster forgiveness for everyone? Jesus tells one of the most unforgettable short stories ever told that points us to how we can possibly forgive those who have hurt us badly. The story goes like this:

Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.” And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, “Pay what you owe.” So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, “Have patience with me, and I will pay you.” He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. (Matt 18:23–35)

This is a stunning story. Jesus holds up a mirror to each of us who struggles with forgiveness and says, “Look here, brother. In this mirror you will find the prime offender, the one who requires a breathtaking amount of forgiveness. Who do you see in that mirror? That’s right. It’s you.”

Jesus says, “Look to the great reservoir of God’s forgiveness. From that deep well offer a scoop of forgiveness to those in need of your forgiveness.” Forgiveness isn’t something we have to find within ourselves, it comes from God himself.

So, let me ask you again: is there anyone you haven’t forgiven? Are you hanging onto something? Are you carrying the burden of unforgiveness? What does that look like? It can look like a lot of things. When you think of that person, you might feel the sharp pain of their injury. You might feel the cauldron of anger boiling in your gut. You might feel nothing. You’re completely numb toward them. All these emotions indicate unresolved issues of forgiveness.

I’ve seen adults unable to forgive their parents for their neglect, wives unable to forgive their husbands for pornography, husbands unable to forgive their wives for their disrespect, pastors unable to forgive their churches for mistreating them, and congregants unable to forgive their pastors for their abuse. Forgiveness has never come about with the mere passage of time (time does not, it turns out, heal all wounds). Forgiveness has never come about by minimizing the sin that was committed against an individual (words and actions actually hurt worse, not less, than those “sticks and stones”). Forgiveness has never come about by finding the good in the injury (looking “on the bright side,” does not eliminate the dark side).

If these popular modes of trying to find forgiveness don’t work, what does work? How do we move from unforgiveness to forgiveness when we are sinned against? First, we must count the cost. I often hear pastors minimize the debt that was owed the unforgiving servant. I think that’s unhelpful. Strangely enough, Jesus says that the servant is owed a sizeable amount of money. One hundred denarii is four months wages, or approximately $6,000. Jesus doesn’t minimize the debt owed to the servant. He wasn’t owed a quarter or a stick of gum; he was owed a lot of money! I wouldn’t quickly forget a time I shelled out 300 twenty-dollar bills to a person. Rather than pretending as though the cost were insignificant, Jesus invites us to grieve the loss and feel the pain of the injury committed against us. Too often, we try to minimize the cost of our forgiveness only to find that bitterness remains in the months that follow. That is because we haven’t counted the cost.

Next, Jesus directs us to God’s heart. The amount the servant was owed (one hundred denarii) isn’t the only amount in the text. So is the amount the servant owes the master: a whopping ten thousand talents! That equaled 200,000 years of labor, or $3.5 billion. Our debt to God is jaw-dropping. Take a moment to consider just how deep God’s forgiveness is for you. What debts has God released you from? What sins have you committed against your Creator? Consider the cost of that forgiveness. Spend time reading the accounts of Christ on the cross and see the love of your loving God who loved you so much he gave his Son to pay the price of your sins (Matt 27:27–55; John 19:1–37; Heb. 12:1–17).

For your next step of applying Christ’s words you might consider speaking to the one who injured you. In most cases it is a good and healthy thing to meet with the one who has sinned against you (the exceptions would include some cases of sexual, physical, or mental abuse). You might need a mentor, pastor, or counselor present. Come with a humble heart and tone, then share how they injured you. Share with them your desire to forgive them. When the one who has sinned against you is able to empathize and share their remorse, the road to forgiveness is far easier. Forgiveness is often thwarted because we are too afraid to share our hurt with our offender.

Some of the most beautiful moments I have witnessed as a pastor have been moments when a victim has lovingly and courageously shared their hurt with the person who sinned against them, and the Holy Spirit has brought conviction into the victimizer’s heart. The double-joy in such conviction is that I have seen such godly repentance lead to an ability for the aggrieved party to release bitterness. There is no guarantee that your hurt will be met with remorse, but one of the most courageous and godly things you can do, as one who has been sinned against, is to share your pain in love.

Next, ask a friend to pray that God would give you a heart of forgiveness. Be careful not to step into gossip. But be honest about how much you are struggling. Let them pray for you.

Finally, pray to God. Ask him to turn your heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Pray that he would grant you the ability to forgive where you feel unable to forgive. Be honest with him. Ask him to help you see even deeper his forgiveness of you.

A forgiving Christian is a forgiven Christian. A forgiving Christian is a released Christian. I pray that you are able to experience the depths of God’s forgiveness for you as you return that forgiveness to others.  


John Beeson serves as co-lead pastor at New Life Bible Fellowship in Tucson, Arizona. He attended Gordon College and Princeton Theological Seminary and is married with two kids. He blogs at The Bee Hive. He is the coauthor of Blogging for God’s Glory in a Clickbait World.