Go Deeper with Your People
It was that lull we dread in one-on-one conversations. Internally panicking, I stumbled over my words and asked a question slightly connected to what we’d been discussing, but my forced question was fairly out of context.
I wanted to get to know this new friend more deeply, but I struggled to know how to get there. I sat wracking my brain for anything other than, “Any big plans for the weekend?” Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation. Have you been there—stuck between the desire to know someone and the feeling of being completely unequipped to get there?
No matter what our personality is—outgoing or homebody or otherwise—we glorify God when we step beyond what is familiar. We are to “love God and love people,” whether or not it’s comfortable. Equipping ourselves to have meaningful conversations with all people is one way to carry out Christ’s command to love our neighbors.
Speaking Meaningfully Matters
Building relationships matters because God created people to live with a “togetherness” mindset. Community is seen throughout Scripture. Israel was a nation—a community—governed by laws meant to help them live in harmony and unity. And the church is the body of Christ. Paul says, “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you,’ nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you’ . . . that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Cor. 12:21–26). We need each other, so let’s get to know each other. We all benefit greatly from being willing and equipped to build relationships through meaningful conversation.
We are also called to know unbelievers well because they are our neighbors, too. Just as we see in the parable of the good Samaritan—as Christians, we must care for our neighbors no matter who they are and we must treat them how we want to be treated (Luke 10:25–37).
Building meaningful relationships establishes us in a place with people where we can thrive more than is possible on our own. In my counseling intakes with clients, I always ask, “What kind of support do you have?” My heart aches for those who struggle to name even one person they can call on for help. Sadly, people often lack trustworthy and safe relationships, let alone a community. We need people we can call on in times of joy and times of need. It makes a world of difference when people know they have support.
Meaningful relationships with those in our community guarantee us a helping hand, a listening ear, and a shoulder to lean on. We rejoice and weep together. When relationships don’t surpass small talk, we miss out on the life-giving joys of knowing someone deeply and being known deeply. When we know others deeply, we can care for their spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental needs more effectively—just as they can for us.
And meeting peoples’ needs to build a relationship is incredibly valuable, even when the necessary actions (such as dropping off a meal or giving someone a phone call) feel unnatural. Learning each other’s love languages, needs, desires, hobbies, etc. . . . allows us to more fully bear one another’s burdens, do good to one another, uplift one another, and have hard, but fruitful conversations (Gal. 6:2, 10).
Recently I’ve come to know two of my neighbors better. One of them lives right behind me. We’ve been living by each other for three years now. And to my shame, I only learned her name recently. In the same conversation I also learned that her husband died a few months prior. I felt awful that I had no idea that had happened. So, the next time I was out for a walk, as uncomfortable as it was for me, I walked up to her door and said, “Hi again, I just wanted to meet you from this side of the fence.” We chatted for a bit, and she met my new baby.
She and another neighbor around the corner have both lost their spouses within the last couple months. Imagine the opportunity I have to show them the love of Christ during this season. Our time here is but a breath, so if we keep our eyes on eternity, stepping into uncomfortable situations doesn’t seem so hard.
When we look to our ultimate example in Christ, we see him go deep. He spoke to peoples’ hearts, and he showed them life. He talked about hard things, cried, and communed with people (John 3; 8; 11:1–44; Luke 10:38–42; 19:1–10). So perhaps “real talk” with people is actually one way we bear God’s image. If we strive to be like Christ, then we strive to show people how much they matter to us by engaging in real conversation with them. Our words hold weight and have the power to communicate value and worth to others. Asking questions like, “What’s been hard lately?” might feel vulnerable, but how do you feel when you’re asked that question? Don’t you feel seen, heard, and valued? Like someone wants to understand you? Caring questions are joy for sorrowful or lonely souls.
Action Steps for Going Deeper
It’s hard though, isn’t it? Sometimes when I hear someone say, “Christ did this or that,” I think, “Well, he was Jesus. I can’t do that. It’s too awkward.” But that’s often a lie. Looking to Christ ought to be an encouragement and confidence-booster to move deeper with people, not a hindrance. We can ask for wisdom in these situations, trusting God will generously give it (James 1:5). In addition to seeing Jesus as an example, believers are given the Holy Spirit. We can ask the Holy Spirit to guide us, trusting that Christ meant it when he said the Helper would always be with us (John 14:26). Consider saying a prayer upon arrival at a new friend’s house or in the midst of conversation. For example, “God, I don’t know this person well, and reaching out to him feels really uncomfortable. But you know him better than anyone. Please give me a calm heart and words and actions to care for him, and may you make our time together fruitful.” Truly, the Holy Spirit is our greatest tool.
I know in my own life, social media, time constraints, fatigue, and other responsibilities hinder me from reaching out. I’ll admit, on the days I don’t work, I relish my children’s naptime for writing, gardening, or housework (and often a 15-minute power nap). But every time I sacrifice my to-do list to connect with someone, the time is productive in a relational way.
In fact, recently I invited a young woman over for a visit during one of her school breaks. She came for dinner, and she just lived life with us that evening. It wasn’t fancy or tidy—we had overcooked chicken, toys were sprawled throughout the house, and the kids interrupted us throughout our conversation. She stayed while I put kids to bed. When she left, I thanked her for just being a part of the household that evening.
This illustrates a way to ease beyond small talk. When we spend time with someone in the midst of real life, we notice needs, hobbies, and other interesting things about them that can spark conversation. We don’t need big budgets or tidy houses to spend time with people. We just need to be open to them witnessing our stage of life—with all the good and all the hard.
Here are some of the most helpful questions I’ve found to help develop close relationships: What does a day in your life look like these days? What’s been good or hard for you lately? How can I best pray for you and serve you? These questions observe and address where someone is in their present context and circumstances.
Then there are more general questions that help you get to know someone: Where did you grow up? What was your childhood like? What are your hobbies? When did you come to know Christ? What was your church experience like growing up versus now? Really, the list is endless. (And there is no shame in conversation cards!)
Words Can Give Life or Destroy
Remember that God is the Creator of the tongue and language, and he gave us great power in our words. This is a gift, if we use it for good. Consider Proverbs 18:21, which tells us that our tongues hold the power to be destructive or life-giving. We all know the feeling of being cut down by someone’s words (or lack thereof). Let’s build each other up and be intentional to use our words for good.
Spending time in Scripture will teach us how to use our tongues well. Don’t fear that awkward lull in conversation. Silence will probably happen more than once as you strive to know people well. Use the lull as a moment to ask the Spirit to help you, and then trust that he will. God loves to bless his people when they start with prayer and are intentional to pursue relationships that seek to go deeper.
Kelly Ottaway is a wife and mother in southwestern Ontario and serves at her local church in various areas. Kelly practices as a Licensed Professional Counselor at a crisis pregnancy center in Ontario and a private practice in Jackson, Michigan. She sends out a monthly newsletter and writes for a Christian infertility organization—Waiting in Hope. You can follow more of her writing here.