A Conversation with My Brother About Ahmaud Arbery
Hey, fam. What’s good?
How you doing?
Me? I’m good. Just calling to check on you. I know the Ahmaud Arbery thing has been heavy. I saw your post on IG. How you doing with all that?
Yeah, I know.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it’s crazy. I literally don’t understand how in THESE United States of America in 2020 that this is possible!
No, you’re right. I don’t know why I’m so surprised either.
I guess it just seems like, with each passing incident, the disregard for your personhood (our personhood) becomes more and more blatant. First, it was Trayvon in a hoodie at night. Now, it’s Ahmaud on a routine jog in broad daylight.
Exactly! In most cases, you can give the person the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, there isn’t any to give.
It does feel like a modern-day lynching! A white man sees a black man he suspects did something wrong. He grabs his son, grabs his guns, and goes to get ‘em.
Yeeaaaahhh. I don’t know what to make of that video either.
That’s when it all becomes more . . . more . . . what’s the word?
Nah, not “hateful.” True, but that's not the word.
No, not “depraved.” There you go with them big seminary words again.
Sickening. That's the word. Sickening . . .
(Silence.)
It like legit makes me sick to my stomach that someone was just rolling behind Ahmaud in their truck while he was running.
Yeah, this video wasn’t like someone wrestling to pull out their phone to record an act of injustice. This felt targeted . . . planned.
Uhhh, this sucks!
(Silence.)
Yeah, I got text messages too.
I don’t know what to do with those texts either, bro. I appreciate the concern and don’t want to discourage them, but it felt like they were more grieved for me than grieving with me.
Right. Don’t just acknowledge that you know that I’m hurting—hurt with me. Be mad and outraged with me.
Haha. True. We probably confuse the mess out of them. Don’t mean to, but it’s hard.
You’re right. Every black person doesn’t need the same thing.
And, that’s why relationships are important. That way, you can ask me for what I need in moments like these, rather than following one black person’s recommendation on Twitter.
Hmm . . . How am I? Good question. Bro, I don’t know. I tried to distance myself at first. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but my social media feed and text messages from friends forced me into it.
I know. It’s a defense mechanism. That's been my M.O. every time something like this happens, though. I’m always trying to put distance between myself and the victim.
With Mike Brown and Eric Gardner, I was angry, but I held onto the illusion that I was safe because I’m not a black man. But then, Sandra Bland. And even then, I tried to create space by telling myself, I know better than to address an officer that way.
But then there was Atatiana Jefferson, and then there was no place to hide. I live in a neighborhood like hers. I open my back boor when frying fish or if I cook the bacon too long . . .
Bruh, stop! I can cook!
Back to my point, though, if you don’t mind!
Haha! You get on my nerves!
Thank you. Apology accepted.
But yeah, I saw myself in Atatiana. Her hashtag could’ve easily been mine: #yanaconner.
(Silence.)
And, that’s why I thought to call you. When I see Ahmaud, I see you. And I imagine you see yourself, too. You run about three to five days a week. I hate that tying your shoes to go for a run is going to be added to the list of things that trigger you.
Did you run on his birthday?
Nah, I didn’t run either. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Me, too. I might run it later.
I pray we don’t have to wait for God’s justice for Ahmaud. I know we’re still waiting for justice for Trayvon, Eric, Sandra, Mike B., Philando, Tanisha, and now, Breonna Taylor. I fear the consequences of these men not being convicted.
Right! If they aren't convicted, we’re not safe. Everybody will be out here calling a murder a "citizen's arrest."
But if we have to wait, I pray that God would continue to give us the grace to commit our way to the Lord, trusting that he will execute justice on behalf of all the oppressed. (Ps. 37:5–6; 103:6).
I know you’re angry. That’s appropriate. Be angry. Don't try to rush yourself to happy feelings. I’m right here with you, and so is God. He didn’t create you in your fearfully and wonderfully made brown skin to be constantly viewed as a threat. The triune God didn’t make us in his image so that we would have to fight for our humanity daily. Our Father is grieved and mourning with us.
Can we pray together? I’ll go first, and you can hang up. Cool?
Father, this sucks. I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I knew we were sinful, but moments like this reveal how depraved, as my brother said, we really are.
Father, your Word says you are the God of all comfort. Would you comfort us with every kind of comfort we might need to walk through this pain? We confess that we don’t know what we need and ask that you would faithfully provide. You are the God of all grace! And, you have called us to your eternal glory.
We can’t wait to be done with this world. Really. We’re ready for you to throw the whole thing in the trash and usher in the new heaven and new earth. But until then, Father, will you restore our weary souls? Will you establish our identity even further in Christ and not the narrative of this world? And not just for our sake, but others as well. Every time something like this happens, your image is defiled in both the victim and the offender.
We need you, Lord. We need your help to continue to move forward as your people in this fallen and racist world. Help us, Lord.
In Jesus Name, amen.
Amen.
I appreciate you too, fam.
Haha. Right. In the words of Tupac, "Keep ya’ head up."
Love you, bro.
Yeah, miss you, too! I can't wait 'til Rona will let us be great again!
Bet! TTYL.
Bye.
Yana Conner is a proud St. Louis native residing in Durham, NC. After fifteen years of full-time ministry in both the parachurch and church context, she still can’t get over the fact she gets to dedicate her life to making disciples. She recently graduated with a Master of Divinity in Christian Ministry from Southeastern Theological Seminary and serves as an Associate Campus Director at the Downtown Durham Campus of the Summit Church. You can follow her on Twitter (@yanajenay).
