Christian Leaders Have the Tough Conversations
I couldn’t believe my ears! I had been working with this pastor for a few years, and over that time, we had built a solid and open relationship. One day, he told me he was seriously considering leaving the church. I was shocked. He shared with me that one of his elders was giving him a very difficult time and thought perhaps it was time to move on.
I told him that I, quite frankly, didn’t understand. Most everyone I knew at the church loved and respected him. I suggested he sit down with this elder and get to the bottom of the issue.
Almost apologetically, he told me that he was not very good at conflict and could not, or would not, confront this elder and have the tough conversation. What eventually happened was that this elder decided to leave the church, so this pastor stayed put. I would like to say that this fear of having tough conversations was rare, but sadly, it’s quite common.
Many leaders are prone to act cowardly. Yes, I did just say that! I have said it for a number of years. I have had people challenge me on it, but at this point, I’m sticking by my guns. I must add, though, that when I say many leaders, I am thinking of many leaders in churches where I have been involved in one way or another.
Many (maybe most) of the leaders I have been associated with shied away from tough conversations. They would rather quit and move on than deal with tough issues and difficult people, as the above-mentioned pastor.
Leading with loving integrity means having difficult but necessary conversations I have seen more than my share of sloppy and unacceptable work in Christian ministry because leaders don’t want to lovingly and truthfully confront staff and volunteers.
I have had leaders that I coach complain about the work ethic and standards of people who report to them. Still, they don’t want to have the critical, difficult, and value-changing conversation with said worker/team member. Sometimes, people are let go and never told why because such a conversation would have been too painful and uncomfortable.
Some seem to play the hide-my-head-in-the-sand game, hoping it will disappear before they come up for air. Others live in total denial that there is a problem, can’t believe there’s a problem, don’t want to believe there’s a problem, or would rather move on than face the problem (many do).
Christian churches and organizations are being ripped apart by not dealing with a problem person or by not resolving conflicts. Still, others have no experience or model in dealing constructively with conflict that is costing them or may cost them their leadership edge. Recently, I read of a father who was the CEO of a company that employed his son, who was being groomed to eventually take over the company.
On a particular day, the father saw his son berating an employee in public in an unacceptable way that violated company values and human decency. The father immediately invited his son to his office and told him he wore two hats: boss and father.
The father said: “I am now putting on my boss hat and telling you that you are fired, as we have talked about this behavior of yours on numerous occasions.” After that, the CEO told his son he was putting on his father hat and said, “Son, I understand you just got fired; how can I help you?”
I don’t believe that anyone actually loves confrontation either giving or receiving it. But it is nonetheless necessary if any group, church or organization is to remain healthy.
If you are a leader or on the team of a leader, and strongly disagree with something being done or said, you should speak up. Speaking the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 tells us. We don’t want to be so truthful that we are not loving, but neither do we want to be so loving that we are not truthful.
Here are two key verses that give me a great deal of insight in keeping a balance between love and truth:
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ. (Eph. 4:15 ESV)
Love and truth form a good leader; sound leadership is founded on loving integrity. (Prov. 20:28 MSG)
There are many things excellent leaders do and do well. Having difficult conversations has to be at the top of the list.
Here are four practical thoughts as you seek to be lovingly truthful with people and trust the Lord as you initiate those tough conversations:
1. Pray for the courage to confront and collide. Prayer is always a good place to begin—pray for courage and wisdom to exhibit tough love when necessary and not shirk the responsibility.
2. Avoid either/or and maintain both/and. It is almost never a matter of being loving or truthful but being loving and truthful in what you say, when you say it, and how you say it.
3. Organizational culture affects a willingness to have tough conversations.
Some organizational and church cultures make it more or less difficult to have honest conversations. With His help, we want to build cultures that are safe and open, where sharing what you perceive to be the truth will not be held against you. We want to build cultures where you don’t have to walk on eggshells, constantly looking over your shoulder. When there is genuine trust team members say what needs saying. If people are not uncomfortable from time to time, then there’s a good chance that good decision are not being made.
1. It won’t get easier if you procrastinate. The longer you wait to have that conversation, the harder it will become to simply do it!
2. Effective, God-honoring leaders are willing and know how to have tough conversations. Part of leadership is doing certain things which are not pleasant or easy to do. Ongoing conversations with team members are critical to fruitfulness and solid productivity. Team members need to have clarity on what they have been tasked to do and to hear when they are doing well and when they are not.
My experience has taught me that many people get no conversations because their boss is super slammed most of the time or has too many direct reports to get regular time with team members to affirm/encourage by dishing out atta-boys. But there is also the need to be honest and courageous enough to have the tough conversation when things are not going well in such areas as:
Work performance is not up to expected standards
Bad attitudes negatively impact the rest of the team
Corporate values are being regularly violated
Tardiness or lack of punctuality affects the team
A number of years ago, I wrote these words on a small card: “Have the courage to confront and collide.”
I wanted the Lord to teach me and give me the courage to confront when I didn’t want to and was extremely fearful of what might happen. I also wanted not to be afraid to collide with someone in a discussion rather than quickly apologize for offending or disagreeing with them and backing off—especially with a superior or someone I deeply respected. I was tired of fear and timidity ruling my life and leadership.
God’s leaders have God-sized dreams and are trusting God for the seemingly impossible.
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