When Death Divides Us
I was blindsided. I’d heard countless horror stories detailing the exact situation I found myself in, yet I had never imagined it would happen to me.
My mother was dying, and I had (perhaps naively) expected this to be an opportunity to bring the rest of the family closer together. Instead, sinful desires and selfish opportunism rose to the surface. While we came to the conclusion as a community that it was time to remove her from life support and let nature take its course, behind closed doors blame, gossip, and slander ensued. Oftentimes, I was the target.
What sort of guidance does Scripture give us in such a situation? Quite a bit, in fact.
GOING THE EXTRA MILE
These words from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount helped me navigate the season when my mother was dying:
“But I tell you, don’t resist an evildoer. On the contrary, if anyone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. As for the one who wants to sue you and take away your shirt, let him have your coat as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to the one who asks you, and don’t turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you” (Matt. 5:39–42).
These words were like a balm to my soul during a time of double loss. When internally I was mourning the impending death of my mom, externally I was navigating vicious attacks and demands from family members. I was seeking to be blameless in the situation. Even though some of my extended family had me in their crosshairs, I did everything in my power to stay above reproach.
When access to my mother’s possessions was requested, I allowed others to take anything they wanted without questioning their motives. I have my own suspicions about what their motives were but chose to “believe all things” as an act of love (1 Cor. 13:7) and to pursue being blameless myself.
LOVING YOUR ENEMIES—EVEN WHEN THEY’RE YOUR FAMILY
Later in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said,
“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven. For he causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same?” (Matt. 5:43–47).
What immediately stands out to me in these challenging words from Jesus is the focus on familial relationships. Family is a good thing. God’s design is the family unit. However, most of us realize how messy family can be at times.
In light of Jesus’ sermon, what do you do when those acting as your enemies are, in fact, your flesh and blood? When those that are persecuting you are your brothers and sisters?
I learned these words are particularly poignant for just this situation. We have a unique opportunity to pray for them, to empathize with them. Particularly—like in my situation—when they aren’t believers.
What could be causing my family to act out in sinful and damaging ways? More than likely, they were motivated by fear. Losing someone is disorienting and uncertainty is scary. Processing grief is difficult for a believer. How much more for those who don’t know God or have the assurance of eternity in paradise?
Thinking back to when I was an unbeliever allowed me to empathize with them and protect myself from responding sinfully. It allowed opportunities to extend grace and forgiveness (Matt. 6:14; Mark 11:25).
There was no guarantee they would receive it or that the relationship would be restored, but God’s promises are beautifully displayed when we trust the promise contained in this command. When acting blamelessly and motivated by love, we may lose many earthly relationships.
Yet, by loving and forgiving our enemies (in this case, family!) we exhibit and prove that we are a part of a better and stronger family—God’s family. And the entrance into God’s family is forgiveness.
God forgave us when we were once his enemies (Rom. 5:10). We invite others to enter in as well by extending forgiveness to them. We pray for them because Jesus prayed for his murderers on the cross (Luke 23:34). Lost people act lost and don’t realize the damage their actions have. My mother’s family didn’t know what they were doing.
KISSES OF AN ENEMY
Proverbs gives us a sobering reminder that often those who wish us the most harm are closest to us: “the kisses of an enemy are excessive” (Prov. 27:6b). How do you navigate a hospital waiting room knowing that the “family” sitting with you is plotting ways to use your tragedy for their own gain?
You look to Jesus, who himself was betrayed with a kiss (Luke 22:48). He navigated the high-pressure last days of his life and dined with his betrayer knowing full well what the future held (Matt. 26:25). Instead of repaying evil with evil (Rom. 12:17), he looked to his Father for comfort and guidance (Luke 22:42).
Seeing those of my own bloodline use the death of their family member as an opportunity for selfish gain was a situation ripe for my own sinful tendencies to rise to the surface. Anger. Wrath. Bitterness. But it was also an opportunity to inspect my own heart and see my own need for a savior.
When others would slander, gossip, and assume the worst about my motives, it truly was a blessing to inspect my own heart (Ps. 139:23) and see whether there was even a sliver of truth in their accusations. For that, I can see the good God intended for me (Rom. 8:28), even in the midst of agonizing loss and evil.
After all, my Savior can relate completely to these trials and temptations.
CLOSER THAN A BROTHER
Though he was sinless in every way (Heb. 4:15), he was rejected by his own (John 1:11) and despised by those he came to save (Is. 53:3). For those of us trusting in him, we will experience persecution and opposition from a hostile world (Matt. 10:22; 29–31), but there will be reunion and communion with the God that we once considered our enemy.
From time to time, our own families may very well turn against us for pursuing Jesus’ righteousness (Matt. 10:35–36). But through Christ’s death, we experience not division and separation from God, but eternal life and relationship with him.
I can’t know if these relationships will ever be restored. But I do know my relationship with God has been and it is secure in the hands of Jesus (John 6:39). For Jesus is the kind of person who sticks closer than a brother.
Sean Nolan is a GCD Staff Writer that grew up in New York’s capital region. He married the girl that told him about Jesus and they have three children together. After three years pastoring in the suburbs of Baltimore he is returning to Albany to plant Engage Church.