When You Feel Inadequate
I sat in the front of a twelve-passenger van, my feet on the dash, anxiously reviewing the list of things that could go wrong on our first camping trip with our seven-month-old.
The van rattled along as we transported our son, a dog, and bags of food to feed twenty people. My mind raced. Did we have enough? Would the baby sleep through the night? Would the propane run out? The anxiety around this trip made me also think about my latest creative endeavor: writing—and how that part of my life was brimming with stress as well.
I looked at my husband as we drove through California’s farmlands into the mountains.
“Are you sure I should keep writing?”
He kept his eyes on the road, his voice steady and clear. “I think you should.”
I took a deep breath and looked at the vineyards around us as we ascended the mountains. I thought of all the great authors, blogs, and books in the world. When I thought of a writer, I thought of C.S. Lewis or JRR Tolkien—certainly not myself. I thought of all the other responsibilities I had and the ever-shrinking amount of time I had to do them. How could a new mom make a difference in the world of writing?
My questions and insecurities started with writing, but many more questions swirled like a looming tornado in my mind. Would people look down on me? Would I expose too much of myself and my family? Who determines my worth?
Small Choices Have Value
We arrived at the campground, and I hopped out of the van, eager to unload. But worries still boggled my mind. Would we run out of food? Will everyone like the food? I grabbed bags of groceries, amazed at how just a few ingredients could feed so many people. Despite forgetting the can opener, we still managed to throw together some noodles, diced tomatoes, and ground beef for the church members who joined us for our weekend in the mountains.
Throughout the weekend, there were small pockets of downtime. I’d pull out a pen and find scraps of paper to journal my thoughts and create in the margins. I’d write a sentence and then tend to my baby, hoping his toy rattle would entertain him for a few more minutes. I’d pull out my Bible and try to read a few more verses before the next cry would pull me away.
Sharing Small Scraps Has Value
As I read the Gospel of John, I came across another group trying to feed a crowd. In John 6:9, Jesus was also at a mountain, but he had 5,000 people to feed, 250 times more than I did! “Here is a boy here with five small barley loaves and two small fish—but how far will they go among so many?” asked Peter. Philip, being the analytical disciple, declared “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!” They were out in the mountains with no solution. No Costco, Sam’s Club, or Panera around. But then, a little boy arrived.
Perhaps he overheard the conversation. Maybe his mom taught him to share. Perhaps his stomach grumbled while he handed it over.
Perhaps you feel like the little boy with five loaves and two fish. Maybe you’re wondering how your meager offering makes a difference for everyone else. Or maybe you’re feeling like Andrew, a disciple of Jesus, who had seen God’s miracles but still wondered if he could provide for so many with so little.
But that little boy offered what he had; he didn’t keep it in his bag. He willingly surrendered it to Jesus.
And it makes me wonder: Am I willing to give my meager resources to Christ? Is God’s church willing to surrender what we have to Jesus?
I am learning that I don’t need 5,000 loaves of bread or 5,000 pounds of fish. I am learning to give what I have—learning to give my time graciously to my son, my family, and my community. The Lord can multiply my time—the few minutes I have in the morning and the brief moments after bedtime. I can offer a smile to a friend, a hug to my spouse, or a meal to a loved one and each has value. Each choice may seem insignificant, but there’s value when we do it for Christ. Yes, sometimes it’s scary to give so freely, but God remains in control, and he has a plan. And he can use situations that seem scary to test and grow our faith. “He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do” (John 6:6).
Inadequacy Abounds
Maybe you feel like Moses, who also felt inadequate. Moses also had concerns about feeding one million people, but God provided (Ex. 16). Similarly, new widows, Ruth and Naomi, needed food to survive and didn’t have ample means to provide for themselves. Ruth stepped out in faith and approached Boaz despite the risks. God blessed her faith by providing an income and a new family for Ruth and Naomi. He provided for them even though the situation seemed desperate.
In the New Testament, another widow gave her small mite to the Lord, and he commended her faith (Mark 12:41–44). It wasn’t about how much faith she had but who her faith was in. She trusted the Lord with her small amount and wasn’t ashamed despite others giving much more.
We must be willing to give what we have to the One who can multiply every ounce of our resources. Obeying in faith is the call we all have: to give our resources to Christ and trust him to do what he desires with them. He will provide because he cares for you. When you feel inadequate, bring your worries and your resources to him. He uses ordinary offerings for extraordinary purposes. Our focus must be on obedience, not outcomes.