The Ministry of Small Talk
If we avoid small talk, we abandon the very field in which we have been assigned to work. Humility means staying close to the ground (humus), to people, to everyday life, to what is happening with all its down-to-earthness.” —Eugene Peterson
My former pastor's wife would describe herself as shy, but she had a passion to get to know people in the church so that they would feel seen and welcomed. She didn’t want her shy disposition to get in the way of connecting with others. She always kept a few questions in her back pocket that she could ask anyone at church to spark a conversation, create small talk, and get to know them better.
It's amazing to hear the stories of what God has done through her life and willingness to see small talk as a way to connect with people. But small talk tends to have a bad reputation these days, mostly for lacking depth or wasting time.
START SMALL
In a world where someone is always trying to get something from you, small talk can feel awkward, as you question the intentions of the one striking up a conversation. The awkwardness can also come from being taken aback that someone cares to engage in such a fast-paced world. We’re used to quick greetings that barely await a response.
Though I enjoy small talk, it can feel risky not knowing how the person will respond. Will they continue with the conversation or end it abruptly?
It’s important to remember that sharing or asking too much too soon can be uncomfortable for others, and it’s not likely that someone will share a lot about their lives right away. But you must start somewhere, right?
While small talk might not come naturally for everyone, it can be especially helpful if you see it is a way to get to know others.
SMALL TALK SEES OTHERS
A willingness to make small talk with someone at church says, "I see you.” Everyone walks into a church from different places. There’s the mom who’s spent from a week with children all day, or the single person walking into church being reminded of their loneliness. Then there may be the person who isn’t sure why they are there at all; walking through the church doors is the hardest thing they’ve had to do all week. Individuals from so many different backgrounds come to the same place, wondering if they will be seen or known.
They aren’t the first to have this longing to be seen. In Genesis 16, we learn of the Egyptian woman, Hagar, who was the servant of Sarai, Abram's wife. Hagar was instructed by Sarai to conceive a child by Abram, but when Hagar became pregnant Sarai wasn’t too pleased and chased her away.
On her journey she met an angel of the Lord. After sharing the distress caused by her mistress, the angel shared of the blessing that God would return to Hagar, multiplying her offspring greatly. The angel’s direct response to Hagar revealed that God saw her distress. In The Message, Eugene Peterson paraphrases Hagar’s response as, "You're the God who sees me!" When God communicated directly with Hagar through the angel of the Lord, she came to know his care for her on a more personal, intimate level.
Small talk is personal for me as well. It was through small talk that I came to know Christ. In college, a girl sitting next to me in class would make small talk about the things we had in common, the similarities in our majors, and the fact that we both worked at car dealerships. These were just a few commonalities we shared, but they led to deeper conversations. Later, I realized there was something we did not have in common and that was a relationship with Jesus. I would not have known if she had not seen me and connected with me.
“Our eyes are not just meant to be visual aids—they are also connected to our hearts.”
It's a wonderful feeling to be seen. Often in the church, we are so busy with our own lives that we don't truly see others around us. In the digital age that we live in, we are prone to skim. We do it with emails, messages, videos, and unfortunately with people. We move so fast, and often for no particular reason, we don’t pause long enough to see those right in front of us.
Our eyes are not just meant to be visual aids—they are also connected to our hearts. “Having the eyes of [our] hearts enlightened,” as Paul says, means we learn to see not merely what is in front of us, but learn to see with eyes and heart transformed into the likeness of Christ through the hope of the gospel (Eph. 1:18 ESV).
May we be more like God and learn to see others around us.
SMALL TALK CAN LEAD TO GOOD WORKS
Small talk is an opportunity to listen and learn more about another person. As we listen we ask the Spirit to lead us in how we might encourage them or be of assistance to them. It’s what the apostle Paul was referring to by saying, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Eph. 2:10 ESV).
In the story of Hagar, the angel of the Lord began with the basics of small talk before going deeper. He asked her, “Where have you come from and where are you going?” (Gen. 16:8 ESV). This led him to share all that God had for her, and I can only imagine how it changed her. Knowing that God saw her would change how she saw him in return.
“Sometimes God wants to use small talk to also bless us just as much as the other person.”
I’ve been trying to grow in being intentional with new faces at church. In one instance, I went to speak to a girl that I thought was new, and as we talked it turned out she has been at the church for some time though we had never crossed paths. She had been hoping to meet more people that were in similar seasons of life. It felt like a divine appointment for both of us. Later that week we were meeting for dinner, sharing our life stories, and encouraging each other.
Sometimes God wants to use small talk to also bless us just as much as the other person.
SMALL TALK REQUIRES FAITH AND WORKS
We see in small talk two ingredients working together—both faith and works (Jas. 2:17–18). We rely on our faith in God, praying for his Spirit to be at work in the lives of others despite our own nervousness and feeble words. At the same time, it takes discipline to practice this deed, as well as some preparation.
If you are anything like my former pastor’s wife, you too may need to have a few questions ready in your back pocket to get started. These are a few to consider, and as you listen to people’s answers, consider more questions that can help to know them better:
How long have you been attending the church? (If they are new, find out if they attended elsewhere before.)
In what area do you live? (They may be a close neighbor!)
How was the worship service?
How are you doing? (This may seem like a simple one, but it really does show that you care if you extend the conversation beyond a greeting.)
The thing about small talk is that you never know where it may take you. It could start with a couple of questions, but as you continue the conversation can eventually become deeper.
EXTENSION OF GRACE
Small talk may seem small, but in the church, it’s where sparks begin. It takes us out of our own worlds and brings our attention to what is happening in the lives of others.
Stepping out in faith to see others can make a huge impact in someone’s life. When we choose to see and care for those around us, we are walking in the good works God has prepared for us.
Could it be that God wants to use his people as an extension of his grace to others in this way?
Samantha Roberts is currently serving in Johannesburg, South Africa, where she serves on staff with a campus ministry as the Regional Women’s Coordinator. Samantha's heartbeat is discipling women and equipping them to live out God's calling in their lives. She is currently pursuing her MA in Theological Studies at Reformed Theological Seminary.