The Church Is the Balm, Not the Knife
I’ve been a believer much of my life, and my heart is grieved by how few reconciliation stories I’ve heard. People often confide in me about wounds inflicted by another Christian—perhaps by church leadership, a friend, or a family member. Oftentimes the offender claims to be a believer, and the victim can’t understand why someone who claims to follow Christ would treat them so harshly. Surely, when pressed, the offender would claim to desire unity in Christ. In light of Scripture’s commands to live peaceably with each other (Rom. 12:18; Eph. 3:3), what Christian wouldn’t claim to desire unity? But praying for unity is simply a noisy gong if we aren’t open to actually doing what we can to right our wrongs.
Once, in a church I loved dearly, an elder thanked God on Sunday morning for “unity on the board,” when I knew full well that members of that elder board were at breaking points with each other. People were suffering from bullying and church abuse, and repentance was far from the table. But it was determined better to put on a facade of peace and sweep everything under the rug, better to cover up the mistakes and deal with the consequences later than to do the hard but right thing.
The sad truth is, situations like this are all too common. If we call ourselves Christians then we must stand for wrongs being made right. That means starting with what’s in our direct control: righting the wrongs we’ve personally caused.
The Way of Wisdom
In his letter, James addresses how to live out the Word and live well with each other. He writes about the heart and the tongue, emphasizing the importance of being “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (1:19). And later he says, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness . . . this should not be” (3:9). He then teaches about two kinds of wisdom: wisdom that produces humility and worldly wisdom that produces bitterness and selfish ambition (3:13–16). With godly wisdom we can use our words to build each other up, but with earthly wisdom our words come from selfish ambition and cause destruction—not only to others but also between ourselves and God.
When in conflict, a bitter and selfish heart finds it hard to thoroughly examine a situation and consider its own wrongdoings. Pride takes over and scoffs at the thought of apologizing. Our ability to listen first, speak slowly, and be slow to anger is diminished because pride tells us we’re right and they’re wrong.
“The world may mock this kind of humility, but Christ calls for it. ”
But Christians are called to humble themselves and seek God’s wisdom when in conflict. Thankfully, we can do this with the confidence that if we ask for that wisdom, God will generously supply it, helping our actions and words to be pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, merciful, good, impartial, and sincere (James 1:5; 3:17). Seeking wisdom from above will start us off with pure motives and a desire to sow peace, even if it means our own repentance. The world may mock this kind of humility, but Christ calls for it.
A Model of Humility
If we have a humble posture, it’s easier to maintain being open to reason and staying impartial. Often while the offended recount their story of hurt, pride has the offender already rehearsing their defense and probably a second attack. But James teaches and Christ models a greater willingness to acknowledge our own wrongdoings. And amazingly, God gives grace and exalts us when we are humble (James 4:10).
Though Christ didn’t wrong anyone or owe anyone repentance, he modeled the humility we need to pursue reconciliation with others. Just as drawing near to Jesus is the cure for our pain, drawing near to him also provides the courage needed to repent.
So, church leaders and fellow believers, we have no excuse to let people walk in and out of church each week burdened by various offenses. If we claim we want unity, we have to prove it.
“Christ humbled himself and endured deep trauma and betrayal.”
The reality is, many of us who have been wronged may not receive reconciliation in this life. Christ humbled himself and endured deep trauma and betrayal, and he didn’t receive repentance from everyone who put him on the cross. But through his experience and sacrifice he made a way to heal our mistreatment, abuse, and trauma when we are the ones who are wronged.
As God’s children, we receive all the benefits of his healing and redemption (Ps. 103:3–4). This doesn’t mean as soon as we turn to Christ we are stripped of painful memories and experiences. Our days may not suddenly feel sunny and bright. But when we are rightly related to God through the cross, we receive God’s forgiveness, favor, the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and hope for glory (Rom. 5:1–5).
All these things—as well as participation in a healthy local church and fellowship with other believers—are what God uses to heal us over time. While we’re on this side of glory, our healing from mistreatment takes on the form of sanctification and growth into more mature Christians, even as we hold onto hope for the day when we will be glorified and fully healed forever (Rev. 21:4).
Be Doers of the Word
Has someone ever brought an offense to you? Even if it was long ago, reconciliation still matters. If you offended someone, what will it hurt (besides your pride) if you listen to their story and are led to repentance? This is humility and wisdom at work, allowing our minds to be open to our own sinful attitudes and willing to be corrected with a goal of reconciliation. James tells us a whole “harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (3:18). Imagine the harvest of righteousness you can sow simply by stepping out to make peace.
It’s especially important for us to be willing to look at our closest relationships. Some of the best moments of repentance and reconciliation have been within my own marriage. So if you’re wondering where to start, consider those closest to you.
One of the most difficult steps I took towards reconciliation was reaching out to a close friend I’d lost in the midst of a difficult ministry experience. My family was severely wronged, and sadly in the midst of that the friendship was severed. After a year of not talking, I still worried about seeing her in public. Yet at the same time, my heart ached for our friendship, and I began to see areas where I needed to throw off my pride and seek her forgiveness for leaving things the way I did.
Finally, almost two years after the incident, I asked her to meet. She agreed. As I waited for her at a park, my heart raced. When she arrived, we started with a hug. Our conversation included apologies, forgiveness, catching up, and starting over. We weren’t sure what our friendship would look like, but we’ve continued to stay connected.
“Finally, almost two years after the incident, I asked her to meet. She agreed. As I waited for her at a park, my heart raced. ”
It wasn’t easy to swallow my pride and admit the places where I was wrong. But in the end, one of the most significant friendships I’ve ever had was restored, and I can now rest knowing repentance and forgiveness are the basis of our rekindled friendship.
Be the Balm
Church, we must be the balm for wounds instead of the ones who push the knife in deeper. If you’ve played a part in wounding a brother or sister, it’s time to let down your pride, repent, and seek forgiveness. And if you’ve been hurt by another believer and they don’t make things right, don’t let their pride stop you from seeking the healing arms of Christ. Find a trusted and mature believer who can walk with you toward healing.
In a world that’s hyper-aware of what we’re all against, let’s remember what Christians are for. We believe striving for unity in the church body is essential. We believe in the power of repentance and the hope of reconciliation. Christ took our shame and stripped us of any right to remain prideful. So let’s release the poison of pride and instead embrace humility, grace, and restoration.
Kelly Ottaway is a wife and mother in southwestern Ontario and serves at her local church in various areas. Kelly practices as a Licensed Professional Counselor at a crisis pregnancy center in Ontario and a private practice in Jackson, Michigan. She sends out a monthly newsletter and writes for a Christian infertility organization—Waiting in Hope. You can follow more of her writing here.