Singleness and Same-Sex Attraction

Jesus defined marriage as a lifelong, one-flesh bond between one man and one woman, but he also spoke on the value of singleness.

Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it. (Matt. 19:11–12)

This valuing of singleness makes sense in light of Jesus’ last words to his disciples. God’s first command to humans was “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Gen. 1:28). But Jesus’ last command to his disciples was “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations” (Matt. 28:19). Wonderful as the call to parenthood is, the call for Christians is not first and foremost to make babies but to make disciples—and single Christians can be extremely fruitful disciple-makers.

A High View of Singleness

Jesus concludes his teaching on singleness by saying, “Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (19:12). This echoes his comment on marriage moments earlier: “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given” (v. 11). So Jesus offers a positive vision of both marriage and singleness as states which might be given to believers by the Lord.

Following Jesus’s lead, Paul taught an incredibly high view of marriage (Eph. 5:22–33). And yet, as a single man, he wrote:

I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should  marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Cor. 7:7–9)

Why does Paul value singleness so highly? He explains:

The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. (v. 32–35)

The point of singleness for Christians is not personal freedom to enjoy life without responsibility but whole-hearted devotion to Jesus. Paul is not advocating for commitment phobia or postponing marriage if you don’t want to be tied down just yet. He’s arguing for single-minded focus on the Lord. But must this kind of singleness be chosen? What about all the Christians who long to be married but have not had the opportunity?                   

Freedom with Biblical Limits                               

Since marriage is clearly defined both by Jesus and by Paul as male-female, Paul’s advice that “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (v. 9) cannot legitimately be applied to same-sex marriage. Same-sex marriage, from a biblical perspective, is a contradiction in terms.

The fact that a Christian might find something extremely hard does not necessarily mean they are not called to it. For example, when Paul was called to be an apostle, Jesus declared, “I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name” (Acts 9:16). So we cannot conclude that those who find singleness hard have not been given that gift. Many Christians will be single for all or for substantial parts of their lives, with varying degrees of difficulty. Lifelong marriage can be very hard as well, but difficulty in marriage is not grounds for divorce.

While Paul is clear that Christians can exercise freedom when it comes to whether they marry or not, this freedom is not without limits. For instance, Paul says that a Christian widow “is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39). Even within this limitation, Paul clearly doesn’t mean that a widow is free to marry literally any Christian man she wants. Married men and close relatives are also out of bounds, as well as single men who do not want to marry her. So, while Christians have freedom when it comes to marriage, it’s a freedom within substantial limits.

Some Christians who experience same-sex attraction may choose to marry. While some people are only ever attracted to their same sex, this is a relatively small proportion of those who experience same-sex attraction. I know both men and women who are happily married to someone of the opposite sex, while still at times battling same-sex desire. But while we must not tell Christians who experience same-sex attraction that they should not marry, we also have no biblical grounds for pushing them to pursue marriage or suggesting that if they just get married, their same-sex sexual temptation will go away. No Christian enters marriage with the promise that they will never again face sexual temptation.

This article is adapted from Does the Bible Affirm Same-Sex Relationships? by Rebecca McLaughlin The Good Book Company, 2024). In the book, Rebecca examines ten of the most common arguments used to claim that the Bible affirms same-sex sexual relationships. She analyses the arguments and associated Bible passages one by one to uncover what the Bible really says.