Selfless Self-Control in a Selfish Society
The communal life of Jesus’s followers described in the Bible comforts and challenges us. It comforts those who feel lonely and isolated and without social capital because it shows that deep connectedness is more than possible in Christ. And it challenges the current culture’s self-satisfied, self-actualized philosophy—in which anything or anyone that doesn’t fit our preconceived ideas about personal flourishing is passed on to the thrift shop—because it tells us that following Jesus pretty much has to involve other people, including people who are very different to ourselves.
Self-Control for Christian Community
Paul’s letter to Titus gives us a great example of doing relationally rich life together as God’s people. Paul’s instructions to Titus were designed to pull the Cretan Christians back from the selfishness of the society around them. For those who had decided to follow Christ, a new way of living was required. In fact, a new “self” was required—one that was shaped by the needs of others, not just one’s own desires. One that enabled and enriched community life.
Paul wanted Titus to teach “sound doctrine” (2:1), but this was no dry theology; it was practical. Self-control and selflessness were to be at the heart of the church:
Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. (Titus 2:2 –6)
Older men, older women, younger women and younger men: the common requirement for all four groups of people that Titus had to disciple was the quality of self-control. (In the case of the older women, Paul uses the word “reverent” instead, but follows it up with “not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine,” which sounds like self-control to me; it’s a prohibition against uncontrolled drinking and an uncontrolled tongue.) The term “self-controlled” appears again in verse 12. It’s also used in the list of attributes to be held by an elder in Titus 1:8.
Relational Consequences
Self-control just didn’t seem to be a Crete thing, at least among the pagans. Self-indulgence was more their schtick. Yet in the Spirit-enriched community of the church, godly self-control was to be the gravity that held together all sorts of relationships. I’d commend reading through the whole letter—it’s brief and punchy. You’ll see that orbiting this central quality of self-control are other personal and communal virtues (faith, love, steadfastness, hospitality, submission to authorities, gentleness towards others, courtesy). Self-control, and the lack of it, has a profound impact on our relationships with one another.
We can see the truth of this in so much of the isolation, polarization and loneliness in our Western communities today. A lack of sexual self-control splits up marriages and families. A lack of emotional self-control when dealing with errant neighbors or people who let you down (or cut in traffic!) leads to embittered relationships with even the most trivial acquaintances. A lack of physical self-control leads to the anger and violence that drives women into refuges. The absence of this fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23) has profound negative implications for society.
When Self-Control Goes Bad
It’s worth adding that the seemingly good can actually be just as selfish as uncontrolled and dissolute lifestyles.
We may get up early, train in the gym or run hundreds of kilometers, eat a strict diet, work hard and for long hours, remain disciplined in our sex lives, seek financial security, and write strict budgets. But this form of self-control can be just as isolating and as toxic to others as the Cretan lifestyle can be. We can be sexually pristine, drug-free, bodily toned, financially and relationally successful and utterly, utterly selfish—never concerned to put ourselves out for the sake of others.
Nowhere else has the self been elevated like it has today the West. Even self-care has been hijacked. Cultural commentator Tara Isabella Burton says:
The idea of self-care . . . is now often used to frame individual pleasurable actions, like taking a bubble bath or canceling plans, as morally worthy, even necessary . . . According to this newly prevalent gospel of self-actualization, the pursuit of private happiness has increasingly become culturally celebrated as the ultimate goal.
I do not want to diminish a healthy understanding of self-care. There are times when we need to de-frag and take the foot off the pedal of relational engagement. Even Jesus did this, and he instructed his disciples to do so too (Mark 6:31). But it was always about being refreshed for the tasks ahead, never the end in itself. It’s interesting that Burton uses the word “gospel” to describe the current popular idea of self-care. Because what we’re dealing with is an alternative good news to the gospel of Jesus Christ. And at the center of this new gospel is the self. It may be a dissolute self or a disciplined self, but it is always all about you! What you want, where you think things should go, what lifestyle you would most enjoy. And if someone else gets in the way of that, then you can cut them loose with a clear conscience.
Self-Control for Others
Godly self-control, such as we find described in Titus, is the opposite. It is about us restraining ourselves not just for our own sake but for the sake of other people. Self-control admits that, left to our own devices, we would not tend towards the interests of others but towards our own interests—and seeks to do better.
A lack of godly self-control—either through dissolute living or through self-focused disciplined living—can shred healthy community. But self-control for the sake of others? That’s an adornment of gospel doctrine.
This article is an adapted excerpt from Futureproof: How to Live for Jesus in a Culture That Keeps on Changing by Stephen McAlpine. (The Good Book Company, 2024).
Stephen McAlpine was pastor and church planter for thirty years, and he now writes and speaks on issues of theology, culture and church, in particular the increasing pressures on religious belief in the secular public square. He is married to Jill, who runs a clinical psychology practice in Perth, and they have two children.