Recurring Memories, Repeated Forgiveness
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matt. 18:21–22)
I was in my seventh grade Sunday school class when I first remember hearing this Scripture. I tried to think of instances in my own life where I would need to apply it. A friend might borrow one of my shirts and not return it or spill something on it, staining and ruining it. That could happen once in a month or year, but not seventy-seven times in one day. I might overhear gossip about me in the hall at school but perhaps only once a day or once a week—certainly not seven times a day, seventy-seven, or even seven times seventy, according to other translations.
It seems like there is no plausible circumstance where one would need to forgive someone who had sinned against them seventy-seven times in one day. Jesus was evidently exaggerating to make a point—as many times as we are sinned against, we also need to forgive others.
As I look back over my sixty-five years, I am grateful for recurrent reminders of this Scripture in sermons, books, and personal devotions. I am not unique in having been wronged, in some cases egregiously. As the mother of a severely-disabled child, I have experienced painful stares and comments by strangers—and even unhelpful counsel from well-meaning Christians who have suggested that if my husband and I had enough faith, our son could get up from his wheelchair and walk. As a teacher and writer of curriculum, I have been plagiarized, even in the context of a Christian school. I have been slandered by a family member and had my reputation trashed by someone I tried to help financially.
These experiences have been hard, but Jesus offered some sobering words on the consequences of unforgiveness. Just after he taught his disciples to pray, “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors,” he went on to say, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:12, 14–15). I want to be forgiven when I have sinned against God or against others. Therefore, I must forgive others; my Lord has told me that I must. And more than that, I want the joy of knowing that I have been forgiven by God. Jesus died on the cross for the forgiveness of sin.
There have been many sleepless nights over the years when my mind would not turn itself off, replaying scenarios, conversations, and incidents in which I have been sinned against. At the time of a particular offense, I have often forced myself to forgive, whether I was asked to forgive the person or whether the person wasn’t aware of the offense—and especially if they dug their heels in and continued their hostility against me. But I find it easy to continue to relive an offense because self-pity can be addicting. However, the more I replay a scenario, the deeper the hurt and anger becomes, and before I know it, I have erased the forgiveness I had extended ten or twenty years ago.
I was having this experience recently at my usual 3 a.m. appointment replaying past hurts, when I made myself say, “But I forgive her. I forgive him. I forgive them.” As each instance of hurt seeped into my thoughts, I followed it with, “I forgive_____.”
That’s when I realized that perhaps Jesus was not just talking about seventy-seven separate hurts in one day, but the seventy-seven times our minds want to relive an offense. This made total sense to me, and it has been a very freeing insight. Rarely will someone commit an offense against us seventy-seven times in one day, but it is possible, and even likely, that we will go on to replay it in our minds seventy-seven times.
Jesus calls us to forgive for our peace of mind—and for our soul’s sake. The consequences of replaying past hurts and wrongs can be anger, bitterness, and depression. We can be so focused and caught up in ourselves, that we find it impossible to think of others, and especially to love and serve them.
How do we avoid becoming bitter? How do we stay pure in heart, not consumed with self-pity, hurt, and bitterness? It can feel impossible to stop negative thoughts invading our minds and replaying scenes when we were previously hurt and wronged. I think of how difficult this practice can be, not only for myself, but for friends and family members who have also been wronged in so many situations: the friend whose former son-in-law has abused his daughter and granddaughter; the academic whose work has been plagiarized; the wife whose unrepentant husband indulges in porn on a regular basis and laughs at her when she walks in on him; the parent whose child has suffered permanent damage because of a medical mistake; the pastor who has been the object of slander or for anyone who has had their reputation trashed on social media.
Unfortunately, forgiveness doesn’t erase our memories of past wrongs. But we can decide to forgive. Not once, not seven times, not seventy-seven times or even 490 times, depending on which translation of the Bible you read. We need to decide to forgive those who wrong us every time the memory of hurt or injustice enters our thoughts. Say it silently or out loud, “I forgive ______.” We must do this if we want to obey the words of our loving, forgiving Savior who knew it would be beneficial to us. For only when we exercise repeated forgiveness can we have peace in our hearts and souls as we journey through each day of our lives.
Diane Jones is a freelance writer, poet, and retired English teacher. She published A Dove on the Distant Oaks, a collection of poetry in 2017 that was reviewed in World Magazine. She is a member of Mount Airy PCA in Mount Airy, Maryland.