On the Other Side of the Church Split
Church splits are hard. When people who have walked life with each other for over ten years separate, it leads to a mountain of emotions and thoughts to sort and process. I’m speaking from fresh experience as a young pastor’s wife.
The heartbreaking drama of the last year beckoned my heart toward resentment, bitterness, and pride. I have been reminded that each day I must inspect my heart and eyes for the planks that lodge there. Here are four encouragements softening my heart and tugging my gaze to the Lord during this season of healing.
Love people deeply but hold them loosely. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). This truth motivates our service and rightly orients our deep care for the family of God. Because he loved us first, we can love others.
Love’s purpose isn’t to secure loyalty from people. We don’t love God’s people so they’ll be forever indebted to us. Do we welcome others into our home in order that they’ll feel guilty about speaking badly about us or feel they needn’t hold us accountable? No, the very opposite. Rather we should desire people to love us enough to help rescue us from sin. Never should we hope to hear only flattery from the people we serve.
Our love is meant to lead those we serve to a greater love of God, not of us. As ministry leaders, we can hold people loosely because we were never made to be the glue of the church. We’re not capable of fastening a living organism together. What a relief, Christ does the holding! “And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent” (Col. 1:17).
For ten years we knit our hearts together in love by worshiping together and serving one another. It’s all right to acknowledge the pain of losing the lifestyle of walking closely with these church members. One day we’ll all be stuck together in Glory and be glad about it! Until then, love seeks not its own, and expects nothing in return. And we’re never forsaken by the Head of the Body.
Forgive without being asked. Church splits stir up fires. Hurt is bound to happen, whether intentional or simply through the wounds of separation. Sometimes people leave, looking back over their shoulder, hoping to see fire. We all like to be dramatically justified in our decisions to dust our hands of a place.
But Christlike forgiveness requires no initiation from the transgressor and demands nothing in return. Forgiveness is not contingent on the other person asking for it. And thank the Lord, because otherwise our freedom would depend on the repentance of someone else. Corrie ten Boom said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” If Corrie could forgive people who killed her own family members, we can forgive someone for yelling at one of ours.
It’s never asked of us to punish each other. Grudge-holding is a miserable cage. Instead, we are called to move toward others. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18).
Forgive, restore, and keep watch on our own hearts. “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:1–2). These verses indicate that we are all prone to be tempted to think we’re above sin, but we know that we too need grace and forgiveness. As Billy Graham has said, “The ground is level at the foot of the cross.”
Rejoice when God is magnified. Hearing glowing reports of our friend’s new church can be painful. It’s a little like a breakup—our flesh doesn’t want to hear how people we’ve gone to church with for years have quickly found a new church home and how everyone is passionate about Jesus there. We might want to say, “Well I’m so glad you found a perfect church!” and then scour the church website for some heresy to make ourselves feel better.
No, instead we are called to rejoice when others rejoice (Rom. 12:15a). Even when we feel like a shoe that’s gone out of style, we should pray for their journey to know Christ deeper. And we should pray earnestly that the sheep are not isolated without a church home for long.
The goal is and always has been to follow Christ and stay faithful to his Word. We must humbly ask the Lord to show us our own blind spots and weaknesses. Although it may be hard to understand, perhaps God has led our ex-church members to a new location specifically for his good purposes. He redeems all kinds of things, even things that may look like unnecessary separation to us, for our good and his glory.
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, “Great is the LORD!” (Ps. 40:16)
Let our chief aim be calling all who love his salvation, whether members of our church or another, to say continually, “Great is the Lord! May he be magnified!”
Perhaps we have poured into someone for years, and now another church gets to see the fruit. Then we should praise the Lord, and perhaps this will keep us from wrongly exalting ourselves. Let us earnestly desire spiritual growth in each lamb and in our own hearts that are prone to wander as well.
While alone in prison and hearing reports of ministry from outside the jail’s walls, Paul wrote: “The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice” (Phil. 1:17–18).
May we rejoice when Christ is proclaimed to our sister or brother in the church the next block over. Maybe we only planted a few seeds and another did all the watering, but God saw the increase (1 Cor. 3:6). Good!
Trust Christ as the protective Husband. It’s so easy to grow defensive in the aftermath of a church split. But Paul didn’t in I Corinthians 1 when everyone was taking sides and choosing their man. “I’m of Paul!” “I’m of Apollos!”
Remember God will take care of his bride. He will build his Church. He is the Cornerstone. If his bride’s reputation is on the line, God will fight for her. When people leave with sharply worded letters or spread false rumors—we must remember God’s sovereignty. He promises to care and plan for his bride. He will present her spotless and blameless one day, even if people are unkind to her.
So we will love people and hold them, but loosely. Resentment can’t grow in unassuming soil. We will endeavor to forgive even without being asked. We will rejoice when God is doing something new in the people on the other side of the church split, even if the separation from us was a tool in it. And finally, we know God will have the final word. He’ll pronounce his bride blameless, and it will be because he held her together even in the fire.
Let us seek to say continually, along with the Church all over the world, “Great is the Lord!”
Abigail Rehmert writes to “ponder anew what the Almighty can do.” She is a pastor’s wife, blessed to serve alongside her husband in Idaho. Her favorite role involves nurturing their sweet toddler. Abigail enjoys opportunities to host, teach, and savor audiobooks (and espresso). You can find more of her word collection at abigailrehmert.com and on Instagram @atime2write.