Learning How to Stare
“Mommy, why can’t he walk?”
A boy, maybe four, stared at my son as I pushed him in his wheelchair toward the restroom.
I looked up to greet his mom with a smile, ready to help answer the question if needed. But her face flushed and she avoided eye contact. She pulled her son aside and squatted down to look him in the eyes. She held his arms, gently but firmly, speaking words too quiet for me to hear. I don’t know what she said. I assume she corrected him for asking an obvious question.
I wish I could undo the conversation because I imagine it created a new box in that little boy’s mind—an “I-shouldn’t-look-at-or-notice-people-who-are-different-than-me” box.
Learning to Stare
“Didn’t your mama ever teach you not to stare?”
For most of us, she did.
And I’m certain this caught-off-guard Mama had well-meaning intentions. She was doing what she sincerely thought was right and used that moment as a teachable one. In fact, in my pre-special-needs-mom days, I may have reacted in a similar way.
But now that I’m on the other side of the wheelchair—entrenched in the world of feeding tubes, daily medication, drooling, speaking devices, diapers past potty training days, and chronic, life-threatening health issues—I long to see more gospel-natured responses when kids notice people with disabilities.
What I’d like to propose is that what we’ve dubbed as inappropriate staring in our children might better be labeled as crucial, Christ-like observation.
Observing the Unfamiliar
Kids, by nature, are observers. The problem that often occurs is not in the noticing or staring. Consider this scenario:
“What I’d like to propose is that what we’ve dubbed as inappropriate staring in our children might better be labeled as crucial, Christ-like observation.”
A child looks. He studies the medical equipment or the unfamiliar behaviors coming from a person he hasn’t typically seen acting in that way. Maybe the observation is: that person is different than me.
Then the child tries to assess the new information, which might produce more questions than answers and lead to curiosity. It’s not uncommon for them to turn to an adult to help them interpret this new piece of information. It’s important in these moments that we’re prepared to have a conversation from a biblical worldview.
I’ll be the first to admit that before my son, I felt unsure of myself when trying to love those whose abilities were different than mine. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do a good job of loving them—I did—but I felt awkward and afraid of making a mistake, so I erred on the side of avoiding interaction in order to not mess up or offend. I was no more prepared than the panicked mother I met.
So how should we teach children to interact with people they encounter whose abilities are different? I think the most important place to start is with Christ.
Leaning in to the Uncomfortable
How did Jesus treat people with special needs?
Epilepsy. Blindness. Paralysis. Deafness. Non-verbal speech delays. In Scripture, we see Jesus interact with people with all of these special needs.
Society shunned them. The reigning theology of the day led people to conclude that their affliction proved they were under the judgment of God.
But when God himself stood face to face with them, he touched them, showed them he knew them and their deepest need, and healed them—physically and spiritually. He didn’t pretend he didn’t see them to avoid embarrassing them.
I am not saying there aren’t times when a person doesn’t want an audience. Mid-meltdown and incidents with bodily fluids might be legitimate times to avert one’s eyes—but it might also be a perfect opportunity to grab paper towels or catch a runaway toddler while Mom or Dad address the issue. My point is, most of the things that come along with special needs (wheelchairs, tube-feeding, drooling, etc.) is our norm, not an embarrassment.
Sometimes, however, I think we convince ourselves that ignoring someone different than us is the most loving thing to do, when perhaps it’s only an excuse to avoid the uncomfortable. Evidence of the Fall was all around Christ, but rather than avoid it, he plunged into this broken world, mending those in his path on the road to redemption.
Acknowledging Differences
Notice also that Jesus didn’t treat those in need like everyone else.
“Evidence of the Fall was all around Christ, but rather than avoid it, he plunged into this broken world, mending those in his path on the road to redemption.”
I know it can feel kind to try to overlook the difference of a person with special needs (I’ve done it), but doing so can have the opposite effect. It’s helpful to remember that saying everyone is equal is not the same as saying everyone is the same. If we pretend a difference isn’t there, we can isolate the image bearer even more and miss an opportunity to bridge the gap.
For example, my seven-year-old is still learning to walk and needs a crutch to do it. He can’t talk, eats very little by mouth, and is unable to function independently in a typical classroom setting. Saying he is just like every other seven-year-old would only further alienate him because “typical” is a label that doesn’t describe him at all.
Jesus recognized the needs of others and met them there because he saw all people for who they truly were—humans made in his image who fell short of the perfection he displayed with every breath.
So what should that unprepared mama have told her curious son? How should we teach our children to speak about and love others with special needs?
Cultivating Curiosity and Understanding
I can’t make blanket statements that apply to every situation, but here are a few principles to help start the conversation:
1. Have a robust understanding of what it means to be made in the image of God so you can help your child understand. These are not one time conversations, but things to be reiterated often:
God made us in his image
One consequence of Adam and Eve’s sin was the distortion of what started out as a perfect reflection
One way this distortion is portrayed is in disabilities and special needs
All people, special needs or not, reflect God imperfectly
When you get to know someone with special needs, it’s not hard to find his image stamped in their personality
2. Let your kids stare. Ask questions and speak to the person with special needs in a kind, respectful way. If your child is nervous, lead the way and set an example by greeting the person with special needs and their family. As opportunity presents itself, politely ask about things you don’t understand. One of my favorite things to do is to show kids how Caleb’s feeding tube works. Most kids find it fascinating and fun and some even want to help me push the syringe to feed him.
3. Don’t only talk about people with special needs when confronted with a situation where it becomes necessary. Be proactive. If you know there will be a child with special needs in your child’s class, at a party, or in your neighborhood, talk about it ahead of time. Encourage them to be a leader with their friends by being the first to reach out and including them as much as possible.
4. Give your child opportunities to be around kids with special needs. As a family, volunteer for your local Miracle League or some other program that involves people with special needs. See if your school has a program where your preschooler can be in a class with those who have special needs or therapies. Volunteer to help a child with special needs at church so they can participate in Sunday School or other church programs. The unknown is the scariest part of special needs. When a child becomes familiar with a classmate who has special needs, it becomes less intimidating. Caleb’s church classmates are used to his quirks. He’s not scary, he’s Caleb. New kids follow the cues of those who have been around him for years and generally, he’s well accepted by his peers.
Rejoicing in God’s Perfect Creation
Help your kids set the example. Notice the kid in the wheelchair. The kid that’s drooling. The kid that’s left out. And then say “hi.” Smile. Invite them to play in whatever capacity they can. Be prepared for discomfort. The person may have a meltdown or refuse your attempts at kindness. They may feel shy or not respond in a “socially appropriate” manner. Love them anyway. Teach your child now that a person’s response or their abilities do not impact their value as an image-bearer.
And then rejoice. One day, all God’s children will reflect him perfectly. This is good news because at the end of the day we all fall short and have a special need for his grace.
Praise God he has provided it in the incarnated image of God himself, Jesus Christ.
Desiré Miller married her best friend, Matt, fifteen years ago and they have four boys ranging from four to twelve years old. She is a graduate of Moody Bible Institute where she earned a degree in Bible Theology. She lives in the beautiful Ozark Mountains and enjoys serving in the women’s and children’s ministries at her church. You can follow her musings and her son’s progress at Pray for Caleb on Facebook.