Fathers, Do You Provoke Your Children?
Movies captivate our attention and allow us to experience realities we may often never have to face. Yet sometimes we are drawn into scenes that seem to be pulled directly from our own lives. One great movie can evoke belly laughter, while another pulls tears from our eyes. Others leave us angry as they depict injustice and evil in ways that are more appalling than a theoretical or political discussion on the topic. Matilda (1996) is one such movie.
Matilda evokes laughter, pity, anger, and much more as a sweet little girl with a love for learning faces bullies at home and at school. In one scene, Matilda questions her father’s corrupt used car sales practices, and she is met with a crushing reprimand:
Listen, you little wiseacre: I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m big, you’re little; I’m right, you’re wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Viewers are left to grapple with the force of these words as we see the look on her face. The weight of a father’s hatred bombards us as we see it from a helpless little girl’s perspective.
As extreme as Harry’s words are, movies like Matilda can push us to assess our own parenting. Do we squash our children by speaking to them in a tone not fit for the brutalist of convicts? Do we provoke and exasperate them with our rash outbursts? Do we use our cold, quiet, passive-aggressive jabs to put out the fire in their spirits?
God calls us to otherworldly fatherhood when he says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Elsewhere he says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Do you obey these commands—even when you’re exhausted and your children are out of your control? When you’ve had a rough day at work, does your family see this sort of fatherhood?
How is this possible? How can fathers truly live like this? Only by the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit helps fathers avoid discouraging our children. Christian fathers need to love their children and challenge them to live obedient lives while recognizing the thin line between necessary prodding and exasperation. As we walk by the Spirit, we strive to be sensitive to his promptings and wisdom. When the frustrations and trials of life push us beyond our limits, we have the Spirit of Christ present with us, still bearing fruit and helping us fight for our children rather than fighting against them. When the winds of life bend us, the Spirit of God keeps us from breaking and keeps us from breaking our children.
Walking by the Spirit helps us love our children, even when they grieve us. Instead of retaliating in bitterness and frustration, God enables us to bear with them seventy-seven times (Mat. 18:22). As the fruit of patience and self-control continually grows within us, we bring peace and joy to our homes. Our children feel safe, secure, and encouraged when they make childish mistakes and we meet them with the mercy of Christ. When seeking out ways to encourage them, our good and kind words remind our children of our faithful love for them and point them to the faithful Father in heaven who keeps covenant with his children and whose steadfast love endures forever (Deut. 7:9).
We can do none of this apart from the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit helps fathers avoid sinning in our anger. What are the most common occasions for fathers to exasperate their children? For some fathers, there is a major temptation to have fits of anger. By 7 a.m., we know the day isn’t going as planned, and our patience is already worn thin. As the day progresses, we can walk in the flesh and lash out at the perceived thieves of control and comfort, or we can be reminded of our finiteness and reliance on God. We can angrily berate our children for stepping out of line, or we can gently correct them and show them that grace-powered self-control is far more important than loud, harsh discipline.
For others of us, the temptation is to live with a constant low-grade pessimistic bitterness toward our children. We don’t lash out at them in constant little fits of anger, but we cut them with snarky comments and passive-aggressive jabs that everyone can feel even as we fake a smile. We can continually walk in the flesh and destroy our souls and our children, or we can plead with the Spirit to free us to love our children. Our bones waste away when we carry sin in our hearts (Ps. 32:1–3).
The Holy Spirit brings fathers near to God and our children. How can we walk by the Spirit and bear spiritual fruit unless we are spending time in daily communion? Fathers, the grace of God is flowing like a cool, crisp spring stream, and we need to continually wade in the waters of God’s presence and power to truly love our children in a Christlike way. Only when we reach the end of ourselves and cry out for God’s grace will we live out true, biblical fatherhood.
The gospel is for Fathers who have failed, too. We are imperfect men who trust in a perfect Savior, and when we fail, we have an advocate in heaven who is faithful and just to forgive us when we confess our sins. We have a gentle and lowly Savior who is the Way to the Father who loves perfectly. Even we who are prone to evil still repent and long to love our children faithfully. How much more will the perfect God of heaven show his steadfast love to those who have trusted in his Son?
Fathers, no matter where you are today, we have great hope. The God of heaven greets us with open arms and calls us to run to him. Christ hung on the cross with open arms, carrying our sin so we could come to his Father through him. The Spirit of God works to open our arms so we can love our children the way our Father in heaven loves us. Will you walk in the love and power of the Spirit today?
Chrys Jones (@chrys_jones) is a husband and father of four. He is a pastoral resident at Grace Church in Danville, Kentucky, and he writes regularly at dwellwithchrist.com. Chrys is also a Christian Hip-Hop artist and producer for Christcentric.